by Dr. Wilson And Friends
© February 2020, LD Wilson Consultants, Inc.
All information in this article is for educational purposes only. It is not for the diagnosis, treatment, prescription or cure of any disease or health condition.
WARNING: Do not let your daughters date in high school at all. These days, it is extremely dangerous for them. Seduction and date rape are serious problems for all women on all dates. Dating with sex or any touching is also hazardous due to the high incidence of sexually-transmitted diseases today in all age groups, even young teenagers.
Many sexually-transmitted diseases are difficult to heal with medical methods. Fortunately, a complete development program, and particularly Development, can get rid of them, but it takes a lot of work and time. For details, read Healing From Rape.
Five Types Of Men
Daters – Avoid Them
Stages Of Dating
A Dating Story
Why Are So Many Women Raped On Dates?
How To Date
What To Do When Starting Out
What To Do When You Are Asked Out
What To Do During Dates
Down Sex Versus Regular Sex
What To Look For In A Prospective Marriage Partner
Body Odors And Compatibility __________________
This article is for women. We may someday write a companion article for men.
Dating usually means meetings or arrangements with a person of the opposite sex for various purposes. Two types of dating are:
1. Courtship. This is when man and a woman get together specifically to learn about one another for the purpose of finding a marriage partner.
2. Casual dating. This is getting together mainly for fun, out of boredom, to meet people casually, or to have sexual relations, rather than dating to find a marriage partner.
Casual dating is particularly dangerous for women. Hazards always include rape, seduction rape, pregnancy, other violence, and acquiring sexually-transmitted diseases. You don’t have to have sex to get herpes or a dozen other diseases that will be with you for life. He just has to stick his finger in your vagina “for fun” or just give you one kiss.
Remember, most people are infected with sexually-transmitted diseases and you are better off not touching them at all!
Casual dating is also a waste of time, and usually bad for your health. This is because it often occurs at night when you are better off sleeping. Also, on dates you may not be able to control what you eat, or worse, you will be induced to drink alcohol, smoke marijuana, and engage in other unhealthy behaviors.
Other hazards are riding in cars with inexperienced or bad drivers, or worse - with intoxicated drivers late at night.
BASIC SELF-DEFENSE FOR WOMEN
The following may sound super intense and difficult to do. The truth is it is well worth the trouble and much of it is not hard to do.
THE FIVE TYPES OF MEN
When a woman encounters any man in any circumstance, not just dating, smart women must try to figure out which of the following categories he is in. This is for your safety:
1. Safe men. These are not that common, sadly, in our post-Judeo-Christian society. These men are protectors of women and have strong Judeo-Christian values. They would never harm you in any way and many of them would put themselves between you and an attacker even though they are strangers.
We need a lot more of these men or women will never be safe.
2. Loose, but decent men. There are quite of few of these men around, but you have to be sure they are decent and not in the other categories below before you marry or even date one of them.
These men have a somewhat weak value system, but they do not tend to harm women. If one puts his arm around you and you say no, he will stop at once.
You are generally safe around these men. However, they do not see themselves as protectors of women, which is how men ought to view themselves.
3. Opportunists. If a woman is open to sex, these men will take advantage, figuring he is not harming anyone if she agrees. These men tend to be friendly and seductive, but not too aggressive. They are quite common. They do not make good dates or husbands because you cannot trust them.
4. Predators or seducers. These are men looking for sex. They will come close to raping “if it helps” to convince a woman to have sex. There are plenty of these men around. Sometimes you can tell them by the way they look you over or the way they approach and speak to you.
5. Professional rapists. They are very difficult to handle because they are seasoned professionals, may work in teams, and have carefully planned their exploit.
They are women’s scourge. The only hope against them is to avoid them by staying out of sight and out of public places. Even carrying a gun or having a big dog often does little to stop them. Hiring a squad of bodyguards is about the only defense.
BEFORE GOING ON ANY DATE
- Try to check out your date. We say try because it is not easy. Ask him for names of friends and his place of work and call these people and places.
- Do phone dating for 6 months before going out with anyone. If he doesn’t like it, he’s most likely a predator.
- If there are any possible problems, go slow. We don’t say to run away because sometimes the red flag is false. However, it is far better to just keep phone dating or for a while meet only at a coffeehouse where you sit away from him so he can’t put his hands on you.
- Often, your gut instincts are correct. So listen to them.
- Always plan your dates. Never just agree to “go out” or “hang out”.
Going to parties is terrible. Movies, concerts and attending sporting events are also bad. Any situation in which you are confined with your date is bad.
How about walking together in a crowded shopping mall or meeting at some other location with plenty of people around such as coffeehouse. Drive your own car there rather than ride with him.
Remember, the goal is to get to know someone to find a husband. Casual dating just causes diseases, and can be worse and cause seduction and rape.
- Beware. Dating books and dating websites are often run by predatory and raping men. A dating book may say it is written by a woman, who may be a psychologist, but that can be completely phony.
PREPARING FOR ANY DATE
- Always carry a cell phone that is programmed with the following:
1. The police or 911.
2. The number of a friend who is usually home and who is willing to come and pick you up in a hurry, or who can at least call you a taxicab. Riding in taxis is not nearly as clean or safe, but is better than being stranded on a bad date.
- We suggest that all women carry a small handgun. More and more women are doing this. Women are the largest group of new gun owners in America.
Make sure the laws of your nation and state or locality allow concealed carry of weapons. If they do not, work to change the law. Never vote for “gun control” because it is terrible for women. The right to own and use guns is a women’s right.
The gun can be a short-barreled, lightweight weapon, but it must have more than one bullet.
Practice. You must be prepared to use your gun if a problem arises. Practice what to do with a friend, preferably a big, strong male friend, at home before going out. However, you can practice with a female friend if that is all that is available.
Where to keep a gun. Do not just throw the gun in with your makeup or cell phone. You do not want to have to fumble around for it if you need it. The gun should be in a holster where you can reach it easily. It can be in a fanny pack, however. Just make sure you can reach it quickly and easily.
NO-TOUCH DATING. Insist upon this BEFORE going on any date. Otherwise a woman is definitely not safe for many reasons.
Many professionals will put an arm around you to feel for a gun. Seducers, of course, use touch to arouse you or distract you. Touch is also used to unzip your pants or open other clothing. If a date objects to this policy, he is at least a predator or worse.
If anyone puts a hand anywhere near your gun, you are often justified in using it because most likely he is trying to take it away.
Before you go on a date, turn the safety off on the gun so it is ready to use.
If you are right-handed, carry the gun nearer the right side of your body. Insist that your date walk on your left side. That way, if he grabs you, he will likely grab your left arm and you can reach for the gun. Do the opposite if you are left-handed.
Never tell your date you are carrying a weapon. He’s liable to take it away.
If your date asks what the pouch is that you are carrying, make up an answer. If he is too curious, leave at once. Predators and rapists today look for guns on women.
When to use a gun. A rapist often pulls his jacket aside and shows you he is carrying a knife or a gun. He may whisper, “Just sit there” (in a theatre or even in a crowded shopping mall). He may say, “Just keep walking with me” or “Get in the car”. This is the time to use your weapon right away, before he uses his. You have just been mortally threatened. Do not hesitate.
Other threats. If a man just puts his hand on your thigh or crotch, usually, you give the man one short, stern, clear warning to stop, and then use the weapon. If he puts his hand over your mouth so you can’t yell, use the gun.
When you pull out the gun, keep it away from him and aim and shoot quickly before he can stop you.
At close range, never just show the gun without shooting. He will tend to grab it. The only time you can just show the gun is if the attacker is more than about 20 feet away and can’t grab or kick it out of your hand.
Always assume he knows much more about weapons than you do because it is often true. Most rapes are by professionals.
Also, many professional rapists do not work alone. This is why it is always best to leave at once if you sense trouble.
When you shoot, aim for the chest and fire one shot. If he does not collapse, he may be wearing body armor. Then you have to aim for the head.
Empty the entire clip into him. One or two bullets can miss. If you suspect that a date is wearing body armor, leave at once. It is not normal. Sometimes you can smell it on a person.
Never just aim to wound him in the foot or elsewhere. Anyone who tries to restrain you means business, so you must respond in full. In most nations, you will not be put in jail if you kill in self defense.
Most important – do not take chances just because you have a gun. This is a common mistake.
In other words, do not think that you can go to parties or on a date on his boat because you are carrying a weapon. Guns are of limited usefulness and certainly not enough to keep one safe. Observe all the safety rules for dating in this article.
What to wear on a date.
- No dresses. It is much too easy for predatory men to stick their hand up your dress while you are sitting in a movie, concert or sports event. A long dress is better, but then you can’t run. Non-sexy pants are much better, preferably with no zipper in front and a drawstring that you triple knot before your date. You must be able to run your outfit.
- NO clothing that is too tight, flowing or something else that impedes movement or gives someone the ability to easily grab your clothing to keep you from running away.
- Smart women keep their hair very short. Long hair is very easy to grab in order to restrain you.
- Always wear running shoes, and never sandals, boots and definitely not flip flops. This is so you can run. Some women think that boots are best because you can kick the person. Think again! Unless you are a trained fighter, it won’t work. Boots are not designed for running and you can trip more easily in them.
- Do not carry a purse. A small fanny pack is best to hold your wallet, phone and other necessities. You want both hands to be free all of the time.
You don’t want your date to be able to grab your purse that contains your car keys and phone. Also, many women leave their purse in stores, theatres and elsewhere, which is no good.
TROUBLE ON THE DATE
- If he sticks his finger near your vagina, even on your leg, get up and leave. He is a bad dude and a predator. If you have a gun, now is the time to give a short warning and get ready to use the gun if he does not comply.
Don’t try to remove his hand because he may grab it and squeeze it so hard it hurts, while telling you to sit down and relax or he’ll hurt you worse.
Get away as fast as you can and call for a ride home. Do not be embarrassed if you are in the middle of a movie isle or concert hall and you have to inconvenience dozens of people. That was probably his plan all along so you would just put up with his filth.
He will likely follow you out, so plan on this and ideally stay close to a big man or woman and ask for their help!
If he restrains you, grabs you, squeeze your hand or any other body part, YELL!. Don’t stop yelling until help arrives and you are safely away from him.
If you can reach your cell phone, immediately push the single button you have programmed for the police or 911. If there are people near you, tell them to call the police because you are being held against your will. DO NOT BE SHY ABOUT THIS! It could save your life.
This problem occurs very often, even if you have checked out your date carefully.
In general, avoid people who date a lot. Usually, they date for casual sex. Many live in large cities. Many work in certain industries such as the financial or medical industries, where rape is common and employees are often told to date this way.
Some of them are bisexual. All have loose morals. They tend not to be interested in a committed relationship. Instead, they hookup on dates.
We call these people wrecked. It means they are quite ill due to sexual fluid loss, infection with sexually-transmitted diseases, and too much blending of their essence with that of strangers. They spread filth and disease, which is one goal of the Rogues.
STAGES OF DATING
Dating may be divided into several stages. These are:
1. Pre-dating. This has two aspects: researching your date and agreeing to the conditions for dating.
2. Early dating. Ideally this is done by phone for safety, or perhaps meetings in crowded public places only.
3. More serious courtship. This is when you and the other person are truly considering marriage.
These stages are discussed in detail later in this article in the section entitled THE STAGES OF DATING.
This is a very serious problem with dating for women. It occurs often because:
1. Certain attitudes and expectations regarding dating.
Male attitudes that cause problems:
- “All is fair in love and war.”
- “It’s all about the conquest. Fun means getting her into bed.”
- “Anyone who accepts a date really wants sex. That is what dating is for.”
- “Everyone is having casual sex these days.”
- “My penis is hard. It must mean she wants me, or we are in love.”
Female attitudes that cause problems:
- “Men just want one thing. If you want to date, you go to bed with them.”
- “It is time for girls to have the same sex fun as the boys.”
- “Sex is just a form of love, and no big deal.”
- “If he really cares for me, he will want sex. If he doesn’t want sex, he doesn’t care for me.”
- “Real men are sexy, and I like the drama of the conquest. All power to him.”
- “I’m really turned on or wet or hot. It must mean that we’re supposed to have sex.”
- “I guess everyone has sex on dates, so why shouldn’t I?”
2. Carelessness. Some women don’t check out their dates carefully enough, don’t have high enough standards, or have standards but don’t adhere to them.
3. Men’s tricks. Many men know dozens of tricks to cause a young woman to become sexually aroused, take off her clothes, lie down, space out, lose her inhibitions, or just to not think things through carefully.
Most women do not realize how well “prepared” most young men are to get any woman to have sex.
4. Hormones. Both young men and young women have plenty of sex hormones that encourage sexual activity.
5. Cultural and media influences today. Modern mass media teaches young people the lie that all sex is good, healthy and fun. This is one of the basic lies taught by the rogues.
The media also teaches the lies that there is no reason to be afraid of sexually-transmitted diseases, that abortions handle pregnancies easily, and that women are just like men. This last one is the worst!
6. Easy arousal. Many women, especially teens, are very sensitive and easy to arouse sexually. Once aroused, many lose control of their bodies, become frightened, and often agree to sex. Some boys and men know all about this, and know exactly how to arouse a woman.
7. The freeze response. A woman who is frightened for any reason often “freezes up”. This means she goes silent, and may go along with whatever is asked of her. This leads many women to go along with a request for sex when she does not want it.
Predators understand this phenomenon very well, and use it against women all the time. They may grab a woman’s arm, for example, and squeeze it tightly as they ask her for sex. They may also stare intently at her, as if he will attack her if she says no to sex. She gets scared and freezes up, which he takes as a “yes” answer.
The freeze response also occurs accidentally, at times. In these cases, neither the man nor the woman understand it. When she goes quiet after a request for sex, he often wrongly assumes she wants sex. In reality, she is so scared and fearful for her life that she cannot speak. Often, she will do whatever her date wants - just to stay alive.
8. Setups. Some dates are totally phony and just setups for rape. This happens often. Rapists know that date rapes are hard to prosecute in court. After all, the woman agreed to go out with the man. Also, there are usually no witnesses, so it is his word against hers.
For example, we do not recommend having dinner at a man’s house unless you know him very well. It is just very easy to drug the food.
9. Vulnerable. Many women put themselves in vulnerable situations on dates. Here are just a few of the ways this occurs:
- A woman may dress scantily to show off, for fun, or to impress the date. He may even buy you the outfit that he thinks is “just amazing” on you.
- On most dates, the couple is alone in a car, at a home, or elsewhere.
- The couple may attend parties where they do not know the people well. This is one of the very worst risks of dating. Often, the entire party is a setup to get you to have sex. The punch may be spiked, or there may be other men there to ‘help’ hold you down.
- You may intentionally or secretly consume alcohol or drugs, which makes you easy prey.
- You may go on a date at the beach or on a boat where you undress or wear very little clothing.
- You may want to have a little “fun”, which means kissing, touching, hugging and other behaviors that can quickly lead to sexual arousal and loss of bodily control for a woman.
- You are often out late at night when you are tired and not thinking clearly. “Nothing good happens after 10 PM” is a valid saying.
10. Signaling. Women can unknowingly signal a willingness to fool around or have sex on a date, even though she is unaware of it. This leads to confusion or a “green light” that ends in rape.
11. All the other reasons rape occurs. These include that women are attractive, physically weaker than men, smaller than men, cannot run as fast as men or fight as well as men.
Talking rape. This is not physical rape. However, at times a woman has told her date that they will not touch and will not talk about sex.
However, he starts talking about it anyway. He knows that if they talk about sex, he can talk a certain number of women into having sex.
When she objects, he threatens her in some way and keeps talking about it. This is intimidating and very scary for a woman. She may end up agreeing to have sex out of fear.
This is a major problem with dating for women. To seduce means to lure or entice someone into doing something she really does not want to do – in this case, having sex.
In other words, while rape is forced sex, seduction technically is about getting a woman to set aside her inhibitions and standards, or to change her mind and to agree to sex.
We say that all seduction today is rape. The reason is that dating is not a level playing field. Men have tremendous advantages over women. As a result, women are always easy prey for seduction.
Let us explain the reasons for this. They have to do with the differences between men and women.
Some of these are mentioned in the section about rape above, such as that women are physically weaker, smaller, and more attractive. However, there are many more reasons why seduction of women is often easy. They are:
- Women are much more fearful than men. They will often go along with a request for sex out of fear. At times, men misunderstand this. Usually, however, men just like it.
- Women are more sensitive than men. They are easy to arouse sexually, easy to get drunk or stoned, and easy to flatter or upset.
- Women often do not think as clearly as men. This can be due to premenstrual syndrome, too much copper in the body, low zinc, too much yeast that produces a little alcohol in the brain, and other reasons. As a result, many women dress poorly, put themselves in situations that can be exploited by seducers, and do not think through situations as well as men.
- Some women are arrogant, especially if they are pretty. They think they are in charge, or have the upper hand, when in fact they do not.
- Women’s clothing today is often not heavy enough and is easy to remove.
- Women are more loving than men, who, as a group, are more selfish and cunning. As a result, women are more trusting and are often deceived by men, who lie more often than women, as a group.
- Women are sadder than men, in general. This has to do with their body chemistry and health problems such as a slow oxidation rate. It makes women much more vulnerable to seduction on dates.
Charmers. There are men who are very persuasive when it comes to seducing women to have sex with them. These men can get any woman sexually excited, often in a matter of minutes with a combination of methods. No one is safe from them.
The only options for dealing with these men are 1) avoid them completely and never go out with them, or 2) always have strict standards and never relax them, no matter what! This is the best. If any man excites you, tell him to phone you and do phone dating for 4-6 months before even considering meeting him.
Methods of seduction
Seduction can be done in at least seven ways:
1) Physical seduction. This includes tickling, kissing or stroking the body to induce sexual pleasure, hoping the woman will want or at least agree to more of it.
2) Emotional seduction. This might include when a man begs, pleads, or even cries to get a woman to feel sorry for the man or have compassion for him, or “have a heart” and go to bed with him. This trick works very well on some women.
3) Mental or ego seduction. This is very common, and consists of heaping insincere praise and flattery upon a woman. Many women are easily sucked into this game. It is designed to get her to give up her standards and rules in order to get even more flattery when they have sex.
4) Social seduction. This involves bringing in other people and using peer pressure or group pressure to get a woman to agree to have sex. This is common at parties and on double dates that are really setups for seduction.
5) Creative or work-related seduction. This is used in some companies, for example, to convince a woman that having sex is just part of “being on the team” and is a way to bond with the “team”. Rewards may also be held out to her, such as a promotion or a better salary.
6) Intellectual seduction. This is using beliefs and ideas such as ‘communal sharing’, ‘diversity’, the ‘right to pleasure’, or ‘free love’ to convince a woman to have sex.
7) Spiritual seduction. This is the use of religious or spiritual arguments to entice a woman into having sex. Gurus and even some church leaders do this, at times.
Very rarely, seduction occurs accidentally. Usually the couple is kissing or touching. Both become sexually aroused, and they decide they are “in love” and that they should have sex.
This is somewhat repetitive, but most important to understand. Factors that make seduction and rape easier for predatory men are:
1. Women are biologically programmed to attract male attention and to reproduce. This involves hormonal interactions, odors, appearances, spoken and written words, voice tone and much more. Seducers and rapists are often adept at using this fact about women to cajole and convince women to accept dates and then to have sex.
2. Women’s bodies are very sensitive and ticklish. Predators know this and often have dozens of ways to begin a tickling session that ends with sex or rape.
3. Women are more sentimental than men and many respond to kindness and favors from men such as going out for a fancy dinner, receiving flowers or a box of candy or even a lovely evening gown that he would like her to wear on a date. Many women also respond to flattery, praise, teasing and similar tactics that seducers, predators and rapists use to entice women to go out and then to agree to undress and have sex.
Good men, by the way, often do not understand these aspects of female psychology. As a result, they may appear to be boring and gauche on dates, compared to the predators and seducers. Women need to know that a man who is shy, and does not flirt, touch or flatter her is not necessarily less interested in her or stupid.
He is just different. He is also usually much safer to be around and a much better man to date and marry than the touchy-feely, flattering, sexy-smelling men.
ACQUIRING SEXUALLY-TRANSMITTED DISEASES WITHOUT RAPE OR SEDUCTION
This is very common and can be due to kissing, hugging or even holding hands.
PSYCHOLOGICAL DAMAGE FROM DATING
Many women have other bad experiences with dating. For example, some are not treated well on a date, and it often leaves scars in a sensitive woman.
HOW TO DATE
Most young women just start dating without giving it much thought. We suggest a very different approach. We will divide how to date into three steps:
A. What to do first when you are thinking about dating.
B. What to do when you are asked out on a date.
C. What to do during your dates.
Here are details.
A. WHAT TO DO FIRST WHEN THINKING ABOUT DATING
1. Read this entire article at least once. It will acquaint you with dating - its purposes, stages, dangers, and more. Especially beware of the dangers of dating today, which are somewhat different than in the past. Therefore, your parents’ advice, or that of older people, may not always hold true.
2. Make your list. This is your list of what you are looking for in a partner. It is a critical step, so do not overlook it. Parts of it may be difficult, but do your best with it. You will be very happy that you did. For the details, see the section below about The List.
3. Set up your dating rules and standards. This is necessary, or you are easy prey for seducers and rapists who often use dating as a way to lure young women for sex and rape. If you don’t believe this, you are not very aware.
Sadly, many women do not have rules for dating. Instead, they say they are “open”, “will see how things go”, “just want to relax and have fun”, or are “not sure” how to dress or behave. These women are much more likely to have negative experiences with dating. Here are the rules we suggest:
A. Decide you will always wear “the dating outfit”. The outfit is a bra, no low cut blouses, and wear a cross even if you are not Christian. Do not wear tight, sheer, see-through or mesh clothes. Do not wear zippered pants or a dress of any kind or length. Always wear running shoes. Ideally, tie up your hair.
You may say “Boring”. However, this is for safety and it helps. It sends a pretty strong message, and that is the goal.
B. Wear a promise ring all the time in public. This is a thin ring worn on the fourth finger of the left hand. It is smaller than a wedding ring. It can be of various materials and designs.
It tells the world that you do not have sex before marriage. It is a symbol and a reminder to you, as well as to your date. It is not meant to keep men away, but rather to communicate your intentions about dating.
C. On dates, always avoid drugs, alcohol, or anything that impairs your physical or mental functioning. This includes staying up past about 11 PM. End your date earlier if you need to go to bed earlier, as many women do. Set this up before going on the date so it does not look like you want to go home because you are just bored.
D. When the day of the date arrives, if you are very tired or not feeling well for any reason, reschedule your date. Do not be embarrassed about doing this.
E. Some women must not date just before their period because their mind does not function well at this time of the month.
F. Date seriously, not for ‘fun’ or just because others are dating. Casual dating always gets young women and some young men into trouble that often lasts a lifetime. Part of serious dating for safety is that if you realize that someone is not for you, move on and do not get attached.
G. Program 911 into your phone as “1”. It may not stop a rape, but it might help if a date starts threatening you.
H. Begin and continue with a complete development program. This will sharpen your mind, give you more energy, and make you more attractive. It will also get rid of toxic potassium and the “amigos”, which seem to feed the projections of the ego that get young people in trouble. It will also help your self-esteem. All this can help dating tremendously.
B. WHAT TO DO WHEN ASKED OUT ON A DATE
A. Before dating, research your date carefully. This is very important. It requires a short phone call with him. It is not a date. It is purely information gathering.
To do this, you write down his phone number. Then, use someone else’s phone to call him so he does not get your phone number.
On the phone call: Get his name, address, all phone numbers, work address and phone, names of all close family members, and names and addresses of parents. Ask where he grew up and where he went to college. Also ask if he is a member of church or synagogue, or any other affiliations that you can check.
Then get off the phone and check out the truth of everything he told you. Look up names, addresses, phone numbers on the internet.
Try to catch him in lies. If something does not “add up”, you might need to call him again and ask him to clarify it with more details. If you value your life, take the time and trouble to do this, even if seems burdensome or like spying. It is not spying! You are trying to figure out if you would spend the rest of your life with this person!
Beware! Do not tell him much about yourself. He could use it against you, for example by telling you that he has the same values and interests as you do when it is not true.
Only if the information checks out, go on to the next step.
B. Before dating, communicate your conditions for dating. For example, we suggest the following conditions for dating:
1. There must be complete honoring and respecting of you, at all times. For example, if you want to go home at any time, he takes you home right away.
2. We will phone date for 4 months, followed by meetings in crowded public places only for another 4 months before having any other types of dates.
3. We will only do no-talk no-touch dating. This means the man may not touch the woman’s body at all on dates. This includes kissing, arm around the waist or neck, and even holding hands. It may seem drastic, but it is the best way to avoid problems.
If a woman allows any touching, she can easily become excited sexually. Predatory men can then often seduce her or talk her into having sex.
No-talk means there will be no talk about sex, about having sex, or about touching. The reason for this is that a clever man can, at times, easily talk a woman into having sex.
You needs to be prepared to go home at once if touching or sex talk begins. Have the phone number of a reputable taxicab company programmed into a cell phone, for example, so you can call a cab and get home quickly.
No-touch, no-talk dating is one of the best safeguards for women against seduction.
4. He must make his list before the first date. Tell him the outline of the list, and that you will share these lists with each other on the first date.
5. We will plan ALL dates beforehand on the phone. Do not just “go out” with him. Just going along because your date wants to go to a party or somewhere else is always dangerous.
Also, do not go on a date if your date won’t tell you where he will take you. If he says, “It’s a surprise.” Say “No thank you”. Also, if he changes the agreed-upon plans for the date, ask to be taken home at once. Get out of the car if you must - it is usually a setup for predation or rape.
6. We will avoid all parties unless you, (the woman) knows everyone who will be there. Parties are among the most dangerous places for a young woman.
7. We will not spend a lot of time with his or your family. This may sound unusual, but it is important. Sometimes meeting the wonderful Mom or Dad confuses you because their son or daughter may not be that great. So be polite, but don’t get too involved in the other person’s family in the early stages of dating.
8. We will avoid beach dates, boat dates, or any date where you will wear less clothing or have to change clothes at all.
9. We will not meet “friends” of his you don’t know well except in public places. We know this is drastic, but it is helpful.
10. Other. For example, you may want to limit dating, at first, to daytime only and not while you are pre-menstrual.
When presented with these conditions, if your date says he’s no longer interested in going out, that is a good thing. You did not waste time with him, and you may have avoided a rape.
If the research checks out and he agrees to your conditions for dating, and everything also feels safe and healthy, then you can begin phone dating.
The rebound, a hazard at this stage of dating. This common dating trap occurs when you are feeling sad or lonely. As a result, you agree to go out with someone who does not meet your standards, or you agree to do something on a date that you would not ordinarily do.
This trap causes a lot of rapes and other problems. Don’t lower or compromise your standards, ever.
C. WHAT TO DO DURING YOUR DATES
A. THE FIRST DATE. This is a phone date. This means you set up a time when the two of you will spend an hour or even two hours talking on the phone. This is much safer for women than starting off dating in person.
On this date, you will share your list with him, and he will share his list with you.
When you get his list, read it carefully and think about whether this person is compatible with you. It is critical that the person shares your basic values. If needed, ask for clarifications and question anything that does not make sense.
Pay attention during this time! Do not drive the car, watch TV, or shop at the same time, for example. You are getting valuable information about a potential partner.
When the date is over with, go online and check out what he has told you for lies or exaggerations. Think about his list and yours in order to determine whether to continue dating him.
Choosing your past. When dating, a pitfall is choosing your past. Here is how it works.
If a person seems to be just like you right from the start, beware. Also, if a person seems a little unusual, do not immediately dismiss him.
The reason is that when a person is just like you, he often represents your past, or that which you know. Your future, however, is unknown to you and therefore unfamiliar. Therefore, if a man represents your future, he may seem a little unusual.
The way to handle this trap is as follows. Provided that you feel safe, give the man a second and maybe a third date. Try to be open-minded and see if you are liking him more. This is a common theme in Hollywood movies, and it is sometimes the truth.
B. THE SECOND, THIRD AND FOURTH DATES, AT LEAST
This is the time to continue to discuss your lists. You are deciding whether to get serious with this person. Do not be distracted by idle conversation!
Most people have some differences in their lists, and these need to be discussed. Some differences will be found to be less important or negotiable. Others will be found to be very important, and may be quite fixed
C. GOING OUT TOGETHER
If the boy passes your tests and you both are still interested in each other, and you have phone dated for at least 4 months, then you are ready to meet in person for a date. Here are some rules and suggestions:
A. Ideally, do all your dating during the day – not in the evening. The reason is that you are more tired at night, and less sharp and this is much less safe. Always be home by 11 PM, and preferably earlier.
B. Begin by meeting him briefly in public places such as a coffee house. Do this for at least 3 or 4 dates.
Go there yourself and leave yourself. Do not get into the man’s car or go anywhere with him. This will reduce the possibility of a date rape and is very wise advice. Continue to check out what he tells you about himself to see if he is lying.
C. If he passes the coffeehouse test, then hopefully he is safe to be around.
D. Getting To Know You. An excellent idea for a date is to sit together with the woman sitting on the lap or in front of the lap of the boy, who has his legs spread apart. This may sound a little sexy, and that is intentional. However, its purpose is very important.
The purpose. Many men and women, and teenage boys and girls, want to smell, feel and touch their dates. They say this is the only way to tell if they are truly compatible. They say this is why they have sex on dates.
This is not the only reason for sex on dates. However, it is true that your mate needs to be compatible, and a lot of it has to do with smells and feelings. Just talking with no touch is not good enough for many people. So here is a solution that avoids sexually-transmitted diseases, unwanted pregnancies, embarrassment and rape yet puts two people in close touch.
Procedure: Sit on a couch or comfortable chair, but not on a bed. The man will sit behind the woman, either sitting on his thighs or sitting between his outspread legs, facing the same direction as he. In other words, both are looking in the same direction and he is staring at her hair, which is somewhat sexy.
He may put his arms around her, but not on her breasts, thighs, vagina or other places she knows are very sensitive. No tickling is allowed. The purpose is to smell each other and to feel the other person’s energy. Most people can do this when in this position.
The couple must remain in this position for at least half an hour, and often one hour is best. They can get up and stretch if needed, but they need this time to settle down with each other and relax and feel into the other person’s energy, feeling and odors. Often, this will give each person enough information that they can make a decision that this person is either acceptable as a mate, or not so. It is a fascinating and ancient dating or courting practice designed for safety, modesty and yet intimacy.
It is safer for the woman because she keeps her clothes on and does not face the man. Instead, she has her bony spine toward him, which is much better protected and less sensitive.
Arms. A rule is that her arms must be free at all times. He can hold her, but he may not hold her arms down. In this way, she can bend her arms and hit him hard in the face, neck, chest or groin with her elbows is he gets fresh and takes liberties with his hands. She can also step on his toes hard in this position, and she should train herself so she is ready to do this at a moments notice.
For the man, this is also a safer date. He is not exposed to sexual diseases, performance anxieties and other problems that men face when they think they must have sex on a date.
What to do together in this position? Options include:
- Watch a television show or movie
- Play a card game or board game
- Talk or listen to music together
- Cuddle up (He can rest his head on her back and neck, and she can lay back a little against his chest if they wish.)
- Eat together, and even feeding each other if they are careful. We don’t recommend drinking liquids together because of the possibility of spilling.
- Even double date this way, although this is not quite as good because one is trying to get to know one’s date, and outside conversation will be distracting.
Sexual aspects. We must be very clear that this date is not intended for sexual pleasure. It is intended to put two people in close contact so they can feel, touch and smell one another. To achieve this, here are the rules, which are a must!
For the woman or girl:
- No smelly body care products allowed. No scented shampoo allowed! This is very important. Also, no cologne, no lotion, no deodorants or anti-perspirants allowed. However, they can shower with non-smelly soap and brush their teeth with toothpaste before the date.
- She must wear pants, and not a dress.
- No clothing with a rear zipper or rear buttons (too easy to undo),
- No see-through clothing
- No squirming around that stimulates his penis.
- No loose or sexy talk
- No kissing or rubbing his body
- No experimenting. For example, she must not say something like “Try rubbing my chest”. Scratching her back is okay, but even that is not good and not the purpose of the date.
- Instead, notice how he smells and how he feels against your body or close to it. Also, notice how you feel at the end of the date when going home and when going to sleep that night. This is what counts!
For the man or boy:
- Once again, no smelly body care products such as soaps, shampoo, deodorant, cologne, aftershave lotion, anti-perspirants or other.
- He can hold her, but her arms must be free to go up and down without restraint. This is also very important for her safety and so she can relax.
- No kissing or rubbing (sorry!). However, he can rest his head in her hair or on her neck.
- No groping, pinching, touch or massage, especially of delicate areas (chest, thighs, and groin). He can hold her around her waist lightly, and never tightly so she is in pain. Also, no rubbing her thighs with his legs or arms.
- No sexy talk
- No experimenting, such as saying “Rub your fanny back and forth so I get a thrill”.
- If, at any time, she says she wants to go home, he must release her and let her go at once.
- He needs to notice how she smells, and how she feels against his body or close to it. Also notice how he feels at the end of the date when going home and when going to sleep that night. This is what counts!
The goal. Your future mate should feel very good during and after this procedure. If he or she does not feel good to you, most likely you are not that compatible, even if you like each other in other ways.
Example of negative reactions are you may not like his or her odor. You may get a headache after a while. You may become very tired, have an upset stomach or be achy.
OTHER DATING PRECAUTIONS
- Decide you will leave immediately if you sense something is wrong or suddenly don’t trust your date. For example, your date may say something that “rubs you the wrong way” and makes you realize this is not the person for you.
If you feel at all scared or uncomfortable, ideally leave at once. Many dates are set-ups for rape.
Beware, listen to your gut, and don’t hang around if you sense a problem. Many women are very sorry they gave a date the benefit of the doubt. Better to leave at once.
- Sexual signaling. Even if you tell the other person you are not interested in sex on your dates, some women say or do things that send a sexual message to the other person. This is called signaling.
Examples of signaling are dressing sexy such as wearing shorts, sleeveless blouses, or any tight or sheer clothing. Other examples are playing with the hair or wearing a lot of makeup. Others are unbuttoning the top button of your blouse, or unzipping a dress a little, or any undressing at all on a date “just for fun”.
Other examples are not wearing a bra, especially if you have large breasts, staying out late, or going on overnight dates such as camping or trips. Still others are flirting, sexy dancing or touching, lying down on a bed, especially on your back, rubbing your body against the other person’s body, staring at a man’s genital area, or talking about subjects such as sexy movies or books.
Signaling is tricky because:
A. Female bodies, in particular, are automatically very sexy. Very little, or even no effort is required on your part to send sexy signals to a date.
B. Signaling can be an accident, such as a button on your blouse comes undone or a zipper is down and you don’t see it.
C. You may not think something is signaling, but he may think it is. It could be your cologne or deodorant, or the way you are wearing your hair, or even a color you are wearing.
D. Signaling can be unconscious.
You can minimize signaling, but it is hard to completely avoid it. It can be helpful to talk about it with your date, especially if he thinks it is a problem.
- Listen to parents, friends and others who love you. For example, if your father, or your priest or rabbi does not like the man you are going out with, please listen. Slow down, ask more questions of your parents or whomever does not like the person. Find out why he or she thinks you are not compatible with your date.
Really listen. Do not “blow them off” as being old-fashioned or prejudiced in some way. Really listen hard!
- Ideally, ask your parents, pastors, or wise, older friends to take an interest in your dates. Perhaps ask if you and your date can meet them for dinner together and just talk. In other words, don’t go it alone if you have a wise friend or parent who can help you evaluate a potential partner.
This can also help avoid several common problems with dating:
1. If you have hidden resentments against your parents, then many young people seek out dates that seem to be the opposite of their parents. This is always a trap. Try to let go of resentment or hated for your parents, even if they are or were very hurtful to you. To help, read the articles on this website entitled Forgiving and Forgiving Parents. Life always gets much better when you forgive your parents, in particular, and perhaps others who you feel have hurt you,
2. Projection. This is a psychological phenomenon in which your mind projects or puts a quality onto your date that is not really there. As a result, you overlook or do not see the truth about the person.
For example, your date may remind you of your older brother who is a wonderful person. It could be his hair, his deodorant, his build or something else that makes you think this way. So you project this onto your date.
The problem is that your date is not your lovely older brother, and could be harmful to you. So if you notice yourself identifying your date with someone else, stop yourself and remember the truth.
- Think things through carefully, and do not act emotionally. This is sometimes hard if you feel “in love”, but it really pays off.
- Get counseling, if needed. The trouble with this is finding a good counselor. Use your judgment and be careful, because many counselors are liberals who advocate lots of sex, homosexuality, and other ideas that don’t work well.
A Christian counselor is usually best, even if you are not a Christian. They are more grounded, more centered, and have much better values.
A TEENAGE DATING STORY
The additional dating rules below were written by a sad girl who went on a date, and was given a drug in her drink. She was tied to a bed, and that is all she remembers. When she came back to consciousness, it was all over. Her head hurt, as did her back.
Her beautiful body was sprawled on a bed in someone’s apartment and she hardly knew where she was. She staggered to her feet and her belly hurt badly. She was bleeding a little, but she was numb so she didn’t feel it.
She heard several boys in the next room giggling about “how great she was”. What were they talking about, she wondered. She still can’t think well, many years later. Rape can ruin your life.
For this reason, we do not recommend that young women date one-on-one in high school or even college. Most are too young to be discerning about finding a mate, and dating just to fool around and have fun is fraught with danger. However, if you insist on dating in high school or college, here are some additional rules to avoid a rape:
RULE 1. Bring dad or another male chaperone along on your date. This may sound like a complete kill-joy, but it is not. Even if it is, it is best. If you cannot get your father to chaperone you, find another male adult, whom you absolutely trust to go with you and your date.
Do not be embarrassed about this one bit! Another idea is to bring along your big brother who really loves you and would never let anyone hurt you. Bringing along your dog is better than nothing, but not very good. It is too easy for someone to just lock up the dog somewhere.
RULE 2. Never go on a date alone in high school, particularly. That sounds restrictive, but it is a good rule. Instead, go out with your family or perhaps with a group.
RULE 3. Do not hang out with a group of boys. This is not safe, even if a “nice” boy you know says, “We are all going out for ice cream or a bike ride. Would you like to come along?”
This can be difficult, as all teenage girls like to be popular. It is a trap in all cases, however, and can be a setup for a gang rape.
A gang rape can start out benign. The boys are tickling you a little, and everyone is having a good time, including you. Suddenly, a boy decides to go a little further. He unbuttons your blouse or unzips your pants.
Soon you are naked and one of them jumps on top of you. They take turns raping you. What started out as fun is now a horror. You can’t think straight and you are never the same ever again.
RULE 4. Especially keep boys out of your bedroom, and never go into their bedroom or even to their houses. Be careful, as many boys will lie to you that their parents are at home, or that their brothers and sisters will be there, and so on.
If you have a teenage brother that brings his friends over to your house, keep your body well covered up and preferably stay far away. This can be another setup for rape.
Even playing board games or shooting hoops with your brother and his friend is not good without a parent present. The friend may dare you to show a little skin if you lose the game, and joking can easily turn nasty if you don’t agree to it.
RULE 5. Date only serious boys. One of the biggest traps for girls is dating just for fun. Many girls want to date the “fun guys”, the “football players”, the “soccer jocks”, or even the most intellectual guy in the school or group – just for fun.
It is very tempting because if a popular guy asks you out, it is “an honor”. Saying no is hard and may diminish your popularity at school or with friends. They will tell you that you are crazy not to go out with the best-looking boy in the school, or the smartest guy, or the richest boy who has his own boat or sports car.
Say no, please, unless you are thinking of marrying him some day! If you are thinking of marrying him, then invite him along with your family to go on a picnic or to a movie. If he says no, then he does not truly like you and is just in it for the sex – so stay far away.
This type of boy or man often has an arrogant attitude. He thinks he such a wonderful guy, and you are so honored to go out with him, that you should “put out” (have sex) as a result. If you do not do so, he may force it and his buddies will defend him if someone questions him about what happened.
What will you miss by dating this way? Not that much. You may miss some overnight camping trips, and some parties and concerts, perhaps, although even those might be possible to attend if you bring a parent. Most important, you will avoid a rape, in most cases. Please think about it.
THE STAGES OF DATING
Stage 1. Early or Superficial Dating
This phase can be skipped, can be short, or might last for a number of years.
The goal. The goal is to meet and get to know superficially a number of people as part of social maturing. Another goal is to meet a prospective marriage partner and to begin courting.
Sexual aspects. This stage should involve NO SEX and preferably no touching or talking about sex at all. This is quite important and every girl and woman should make this a hard and fast rule. Avoid any boy or man who won’t agree. Also, if the talk or touching starts on the date, ask to go home at once. Do not wait!
This can be difficult because many boys and men who ask girls on dates are “players”. That means they have had sex with a number of girls, and have become good at seduction and even rape. Even if a teen or adult woman stresses to her date that it is no touch-no-talk dating, he may not abide by this.
Beware - these boys and men are usually all diseased. Even just kissing them on the cheek or holding their hand can give you a disease that lasts a lifetime.
These are important reasons for girls to avoid all dating in high school and perhaps even in college. This gives the nice men time to mature. Then they may ask you out on dates and you will be safer and happier with them.
Stage 2. The change to courting or casual dating.
After one has met a number of people and has an idea what one is looking for, people make a decision. Ideally, one finds a prospective marriage partner and begins a courtship. This process is discussed in detail later in this article.
The other decision is to continue superficial dating or adopt the “dating lifestyle”. This is where one is not interested in a marriage and just dates people for social or sexual reasons. This is extremely dangerous for women. The dangers are explained below.
BEWARE: Some young women go on dates because they have a craving for sexual fluid and/or they want charging. They need to have sex to get these, even though it is risky. To understand these behaviors, read Sexual Fluid Craving and Charging.
Courting is a tried and true method of finding a marriage partner. It is not the same as just dating. Compared with just dating, courting is:
1. More formal (see the courting contract below).
2. Has a specific goal.
3. Usually does not involve having sex, at least not in its early stages.
STEPS IN COURTING
1. Trade basic information with the other person. This is done using the list. See the section below about the list.
2. Talk about your lists.
3. Get together and spend time together in a number of settings to get to know the person well.
4. Test the other person in various ways in real-world settings to really see if the person believes and acts as they claim.
5. If all goes well, go steady with the person. This is explained below.
6. If all goes well, get engaged. The rules for this are also explained below.
7. If all goes well, get married.
THE LIST (VERY IMPORTANT!)
Anyone interested in marriage or a committed relationship should make a list of what you are looking for. Below is the outline for the list. It may seem very long and detailed, but there is a good reason for it. For example, it intentionally forces you to think about your mental and spiritual life, which many people ignore when they are courting.
The list is similar to the questionnaire people fill out with online and other dating services. It is designed to quickly show if you and another person are at least superficially compatible. It will save a lot of time when courting, and it will prevent a lot of disappointment and heartbreak later on:
PART I - Physical Life
1. Physical survival desires. This includes such things as money, houses, cars, having children, and safety issues. For example, read Survival.
2. Physical sexual desires. This includes how often, what kind and how you like sex. If you are not sure, that is okay, but we strongly suggest only have Down Sex, not regular sex. This is much gentler, more intimate and much healthier. It also gives the woman much more control.
3. Physical power and control desires. This has to do with who will make final decisions if you disagree, and the Sexual Order.
4. Physical social desires. This has to do with interactions with family, relatives, friends, and co-workers. It also has to do with your ideas about travel, outings and similar social activities.
5. Physical work and creativity desires. This has to do with your plans or desires for jobs, careers, hobbies such as music or dance, and other creative activities.
6. Physical learning and wisdom desires. This includes your desires for higher education, reading, studying, and learning things.
7. Physical and community spiritual desires. This includes your desires regarding joining and attending a church or other spiritual or religious groups, practices or other activities.
PART II – Mental or Brain Life
8. Mental life and death desires. This includes basic principles you desire to live by. It should include the 10 Commandments of Moses, the Golden Rule, and other values you hold dear and intend to adhere to.
9. Mental emotional desires. This includes your ideas about attitudes such as helping others and radiating love into this world.
10. Mental power and control desires. This involves your views about the ego, self-discipline and other mental control issues.
11. Mental social desires. This is similar to #4 above and includes your desires regarding involvement with family, friends and associates.
12. Mental teamwork and creativity desires. This has to do with your views about cooperating with others in organizations such as political party affiliation, community service and other groups.
13. Mental knowledge and wisdom desires. This is similar to #6 above, but has to do with your desires about learning in a deeper way or more concentrated area such as history or geography.
14. Mental spiritual desires. This is a culmination of all that has gone before on the list. This may seem vague, but it is important to summarize what you have said earlier, if you can do this. It helps focus the list on the most important aspects for you.
PART III – Beyond The Brain/Development
15. Spiritual life and death desires. What is most important to you as a spiritual or a developing being? One answer, I hope, is that you intend to continue following a complete development program to promote rapid development, healing and long life.
16. Spiritual emotional desires. This is about how you wish to give from fullness and serve God or serve the universe.
17. Spiritual power and control desires. This is about tuning into guidance in order to be of the greatest service. There are a number of ways to do this.
18. Spiritual social desires. This is about connecting with your “spiritual family” and letting go of others who are not on your level or wavelength.
19. Spiritual work and creativity desires. This is about spiritual work and creative activities that you want to do or in which you wish to participate.
20. Spiritual knowledge and wisdom desires. This involves the kind of knowledge and wisdom that you desire to acquire during your life.
21. Spiritual culmination desires. This is about your overall service to the planet and to humanity. It can also be about your desire to develop yourself to be a mighty instrument of God.
THE COURTING CONTRACT
This is an agreement on the rules for courting. It should be written down, or at least clearly stated and understood and agreed upon by both people.
1. Courting is goal-oriented toward marriage and nothing else. We agree to tell the other person if we are no longer interested in a possible marriage. If one or both are going out together due to boredom, loneliness or other motives, this is not a courtship.
2. A courtship will go through stages. At first, the two people may go out with others. At some point, they will then decide to go steady and will stop going out with others. Later, if all goes well, they will become engaged. Finally, if all continues well, it will end in marriage.
3. A courtship is always about honoring another person. Anything less is not a courtship. If either participant detects anything less than honoring, he or she must end the courtship.
4. Sex. Preferably, there will be no sexual intercourse until we are married. This is explained below.
5. Children. If sex occurs, we agree not to produce a child during the courtship. If we do, it will be the woman’ responsibility to either have the child, perhaps give the child up for adoption, or have an abortion.
The man will not be responsible financially or otherwise. We know this is rough on the woman, but ultimately it is her body and it must be her decision how to handle this occurrence.
6. Contact with family and friends. We agree to have little contact with each other’s families and friends, at least during the early part of courtship. This is because family and friends can influence our decisions too easily, and this is not helpful, especially early in courtship.
7. Confidentiality. We agree to keep out relationship essentially private and not spread it around town or spend hours discussing it with our friends. Some sharing with family and friends is inevitable, but we agree to no gossip.
8. Time limits. Ideally, courtships should not be too short or too long. Either extreme usually means there are problems. The courtship should last between 6 months and 2-3 years.
A short courtship means you will not have a chance to really get to know the other person. This is always risky, although this might seem overly cautious.
A very long courtship means that one or both of the partners is not interested in marriage for some reason. That reason should be sought out and resolved. Either there is a problem that has not been discussed, or the entire courtship is phony or a lie.
9. Integrity Agreement. If a dispute arises between us due to accident, injury, pregnancy, acquiring diseases or other, and we cannot resolve it ourselves, we agree not to consult attorneys due to cost and complications.
Instead, We agree to first consult a mediator whom we both agree upon. If voluntary mediation is not successful, we agree to binding arbitration. This is to prevent legal costs and complications that often arise today.
10. Complete agreement. This is the entirety of our agreement. That is, there are no other hidden agreements or agendas.
11. Amendments. We may amend or change this agreement at any time. Both of us must agree to the changes.
RULES FOR STEADIES
1. No dating other people.
2. No sex with others.
3. No close friendships with members of the opposite sex unless you bring in your steady so that both of you always meet together with the friend.
4. No weekend getaways or “flings” with friends of the same sex or opposite sex.
RULES FOR THOSE WHO ARE ENGAGED
1. Wear an engagement ring.
2. Decide this is your husband or wife. If you cannot do this, there is something wrong and the engagement should end.
3. All the rules for steadies.
KEYS TO SUCCESSFUL COURTING
- Participate in many activities and situations together. This is to get to know the other person as well as possible.
- Stay detached emotionally. Try not to get too involved with the other person.
- Note how you feel around the other person. This is very important and often overlooked. You should feel very safe, happy and feel loved around the other person. You should not feel unsafe, worried, judged, sad, depressed, lonely, or other negative feeling.
Some ups and downs are normal. However, in most cases, these feelings will either get better with time, or get worse with time. Try to feel which is occurring in your situation. If the feelings are not right, it is a sign that the courtship is not working out, no matter what else is occurring in the relationship.
- Note how the other person feels around you. He or she should be upbeat and happy. If this is not the case, something may be wrong.
Ask each other loads of questions about everything. This is not being nosy. It is needed with courting. If the other person does not want to tell you where he or she was last evening when you called, it is definitely a red flag, no matter what else he or she says or does.
- Do not avoid talking about difficult issues such as a rape, an illness, a family problem, money problems, and others. Some people think they will just wait until they are married to tell the other person. This is not fair to the other person and often leads to problems in a marriage.
- Expect some differences of opinion and other problems to surface. Courting is the time to work these out and resolve them, not after one is married.
- Have Absolutes and Negotiables. Absolutes are items you insist upon and will not change. They might include your religion, for example. Negotiables are feelings, ideas or lifestyle factors that are not as important to you and can be adjusted to blend with your prospective marriage partner.
- Note personal and body honoring. Look for dishonoring language, looks, gestures or actions. Often these are present, but overlooked.
- Note professional honoring. Your prospective partner should honor your work or career, as well.
- For women – look for a mentally and emotionally strong, honest and direct man. This is difficult for many women. They may not realize it, but many women are looking for a sugar daddy.
This is a man who will go along with what she wants, and perhaps a man who is not as smart as she is. In truth, ladies, you are much safer with a strong man who loves you dearly and will not let you get away with anything!
Also, look for a man of high integrity and a protector of you, including protecting you from his own lower impulses. For details, read Integrity.
- For men – Look for an emotionally strong and intact woman. She should be able to speak up if she is unhappy in any way. Look for a person who is direct and of high integrity.
However, also look for a blender. This is important for a woman, also, but most important for a man. A blender means someone who wants to join with you deeply on at least several levels – physical, emotional, sexual, social, creative, intellectual and spiritual or religious. A husband or wife need not be of the same mind as you on all levels, but you should agree and want to be together on many of them.
A blender is a “we” person. This means she thinks and says - we do things, we think this or that, we go places, etc. The emphasis is on we, not on the activities.
A blender also means someone who is willing to make some major changes in her life, if needed, in order to blend her life with yours. This has to do with The Sexual Order, a somewhat controversial topic but an important one for any marriage.
Finding a blender can be a tall order because the women’s liberation movement has taught modern women that they need not blend with a man for marriage or for anything else. In part for this reason, many women are afraid to blend with a man, or secretly hate men and don’t want to blend.
Yet blending is a secret to a good marriage and it is natural for women to blend with a good man. Marriages do not tend to work as well when the man blends with the woman.
- Finally, try to catch the other person in lies. This sounds very negative, but is very important. The life of the other person should be an open book and everything should “add up”. If it does not, ask more questions and listen carefully to the answers.
- Some kissing and hugging are fine. The other person should always treat your body gently, respectfully and lovingly.
Avoid sex during courtship. The reasons are:
1. Sex always skews your judgment. Down sex is better, however, because it is less passionate.
2. Having sex tends to move things along too fast.
3. Pregnancy among daters is common, and alters the relationship a lot.
4. Physical damage such as acquiring diseases complicates the courting.
5. Emotional damage such as embarrassment or other feelings complicates the courting.
6. Mental damage such as feeling used and perhaps abused complicates the courting.
7. Spiritual damage means mixing and contaminating your pure energy with that of another person who is not your spouse. This may sound odd, but it occurs in all cases of having sex with anyone. It complicates the courting, sometimes deeply.
If you decide to have sex, at least wait until you are engaged or going steady.
- Keep family and friends out of the relationship, for the most part. They tend to have too much influence in many cases.
- Very important areas to note are beliefs and behavior about money, diet, family, life goals, and general behavior.
- Look for any red flags or any kinds. This may sound obvious, but people in love often overlook problems that were there all the time.
GROUP ACTIVITIES INSTEAD OF ONE-ON-ONE DATING
Often, instead of one-on-one dating, a safer option for girls in high school, college and beyond is to have a group of friends with whom you socialize. This can be a church group, a community group, or a group formed around something else.
Advantages of groups of friends are:
1. More choices. Women and men can consider a number of potential partners easily, without having to date them all.
2. Communication. Communication among the men and the women can give all of them a better idea of who is interested in whom, and perhaps who might make the best partner.
3. Taking the lead. If a girl or women is interested in a particular boy or man, it is easier to be assertive within a group. In other words, she can spread the word that she is interested, and it will encourage him to reciprocate.
4. Positive peer pressure. Being in a group often puts pressure on the boys and the girls to behave well. If they do not, word of it spreads quickly and they may be forced out of the group.
5. Common interests. Often, all members of the group share common interests, such as their religious orientation, an interest such as hiking or bicycling, or something else. This is generally a good way to meet a suitable mate.
6. Supervision. In some situation, such as church or synagogue youth groups, there are one or more adult leaders or supervisors who can act as role models, instructors, monitors and police, if needed.
Possible problems with groups to watch out for are:
1. Crowd psychology, also called mob psychology. Studies show that people in a group often do things that they would not do if they were by themselves. For example, by herself, a high school girl might not agree to go camping overnight with a boy.
However, if 5 or 10 other girls decide to do it, the hesitant one may decide that it must be okay, even though it is really not okay. This is a common and potentially serious problem with groups.
2. Peer pressure. This is different from crowd psychology. Peer pressure is when one or more members of a group attempt to persuade another member to go along with their ideas or thinking. They may put a lot of pressure on the target person to change his or her ways and conform to the ideas and activities of the group.
To use the example from the section above, if one girl doesn’t want to go camping overnight with boys, other girls and boys in the group may put a lot of pressure on the hesitant one to do as they want her to do.
3. Bad supervision or leadership. The leadership of some groups, even church groups, may not be adequate or even healthy. Parents can easily be deceived about this. For example, if a girl tells her mother that the leader allowed something to happen that should not have occurred, the parents must listen.
4. Bullying, harassment, hazing or other negative behavior. Occasionally, groups can attack a person whom they perceive as different, or whom they perceive as more pure than they. This can be nasty and even dangerous. One should leave at once if this ever begins.
5. Personality conflicts. At times, two or more in a group may not get along.
This is when two couples go out together. It is safer than one-on-one dating provided that:
1. The two couples always stay together.
2. You must know the other couple. Going out with a couple you do not know and a date you don’t know well is as dangerous or more dangerous than going out with one person.
DOWN SEX VERSUS REGULAR SEX
This website advocates Down Sex rather than regular sex. The reasons are that it is much healthier and it actually causes early Development of a human being. Regular sex always depletes the body a little bit, even if you don’t feel it. Here are comments about how down sex fits into dating:
- Down sex is not for everyone. It is for deep healing and is not quite as “exciting” as standard sex.
- Down sex is not well known, so it is not part of dating in most people’s mind.
- Down sex is okay on a date, though one must have the time for it and one should explain ahead of time what it is and how it works.
- We advise the same cautions that one would take on any date if one is considering down sex.
WHAT TO LOOK FOR IN A PROSPECTIVE MARRIAGE PARTNER
This is always a difficult time for both men and women because one is about to make one of the most important decisions, if not the most important decision of your life.
It is always wise to consult with older people, especially ones who are happily married and not just those who are divorced or single. Marriage is not for everyone. However, it can be the most satisfying relationship possible for a man and a woman.
FEELING SAFE, A CRITICAL ISSUE FOR WOMEN AND MEN
Women and men must feel very safe physically and emotionally with their spouse-to-be. This is not the same as the usual excitement and uncertainty of any new relationship.
However, if you do not feel quite safe, do not get married. Wait, at the very least, and see if the situation changes. There are several reasons for this:
1. Feeling unsafe often tells you that you are not ready, the other person is not ready, or the other person is not the one.
2. Feeling unsafe is not healthy in any way. Women and men need to feel totally secure that their partner is theirs, (and not too shared with old girlfriends or male friends, or family of origin, or work, or school, or beer parties, or anything else.)
3. Women, especially, are more vulnerable in marriages to rape, and physical and emotional abuse.
4. You need to feel that the other person really wants to be with, appreciates and loves you for who you are. You need to feel that the other is not going to put you second to the family of origin, friends, work or anything else.
OTHER THINGS TO LOOK FOR
1. Someone who is grounded, centered, and is his or her own person.
Red flags: One who is often distracted, thinks illogically, or is enslaved to others in some way.
2. Someone who wants an intimate relationship with you as your wife or husband, and whom you want to live with as husband or wife.
Red flag: Looks at other people, flirts with others, goes out with others, secretive about their private life, or wants their own friends of the opposite sex.
3. Someone who honors and respects you, and whom you respect and honor.
Red flags. Does not keep appointments, handles or speaks to you roughly or harshly, does not apologize quickly when he or she makes errors, or talks badly about you to others.
4. Someone who has and wants a lifestyle very similar to yours.
Red flags. Bad habits such as the use of alcohol, marijuana, cigarette smoking, too much television, staying up late at night, or others. Ideally, you want someone who thinks exactly like you, or very close to exactly as you do.
5. Someone who has similar goals to you.
Red flags. Someone who seems to be moving in a different direction from you, no matter what they say they want.
6. Someone who shares your beliefs and ideas.
Red flags. Makes comments that indicate that he or she has beliefs different from yours. This can be subtle. A person may say he or she agrees with you so that you will marry him or her, but over time, their real beliefs will come out. This is an important reason for having a courtship period of at least 6 months and ideally longer.
7. Someone who shares your values.
Red flags. Makes comments or acts in ways that indicate the person does not share your values.
Race. In addition, statistics indicate that marriages between people of the same race work out better. This is not prejudice. It is just statistical fact.
Other factors seem to matter less, such as age differences, how much money a person has, or their family background.
BODY ODORS AND COMPATIBILITY
Some people are very attuned to body odors. Not liking a person’s odor can stop a marriage, and that may be okay. However, if you understand odors a little, you might realize why you are uncomfortable with a person and you may be able to help change the situation.
For example, a person’s odor often has a lot to do with diet and health. This can definitely change if one follows a development program.
As an example, removing sweets from the diet can help immensely with a yeasty odor. In other cases, changing an odor that is due to one’s health may require a few years on a development program.
Odor also has to do with one’s thoughts and attitudes. This can also change rapidly if a person changes an attitude quickly, but it often takes a few years or longer to change attitudes.
Ideally, marry someone whose body odor you like, or at least someone whose odor is not objectionable. Know that most women have a somewhat yeasty odor, which is somewhat sour and bitter. This is due to their slower oxidation rate and higher copper level, which gives rise to more yeast in the body.
Most men smell somewhat stale or musty. This has to do with male hormones. Men and women who eat a lot of meat or have poor digestion often smell stinky like rotten meat. This improves if they bathe a lot and use lots of soap, and if they improve their diet and digestion. For much more detail about odors, read Odors And Health.