by Dr. Lawrence Wilson
© November 2020,
LD Wilson Consultants, Inc.
What To Do If
You Cannot Forgive
Logical Reasons To Forgive?
Why Is It
Sometimes Very Difficult?
What If I Am
Stuck In Unforgiveness?
Locked In Unforgiveness
Forgive, Or Can Only God Forgive?
is one of the most important mental processes imaginable. The Bible suggests that we must forgive
seventy times seven times - Matthew 18:22. We take this to mean that forgiving is a life-long process,
and very important.
To forgive means:
decision to grow in faith and trust that only God, or the Creator, understands
the reasons why incidents occur.
let go of hating, resenting, blaming or feeling angry toward someone, or about
a situation or incident.
conscious decision to give up any present or future claim to victimhood.
cancel a financial debt.
Forgiving is also an attitude. A forgiving person is one who does not tend to judge people or
situation and does not hold on to grudges and resentments.
Forgiving is also a special physiological
process. It is the process
whereby a person is freed from all ill feelings about a person or
important is to know what forgiving does NOT
mean or imply. Forgiving does not
the incident or situation.
Forgetting the incident or situation.
Condoning the incident or situation.
Pretending the incident never occurred.
That one must remain friendly with anyone.
That one must stay in a relationship or other situation with anyone.
Allowing others to take advantage of you, either now or in the future.
Acceptance or tolerance of another person or situation in your life. For example, you may have to testify
against the person and send the other person to jail for life or to the
electric chair for the death penalty.
You can still forgive, meaning release
of all feelings of anger and resentment.
THE PHYSIOLOGY OF FORGIVENESS
client of ours who experienced severe abuse has studied forgiveness extensively
in herself. She reports that forgiveness is actually a rearranging of the
neural pathways in the brain. She also reports that one passes through several
biochemical patterns during the forgiveness process.
may be difficult to identify using hair mineral testing because they may occur
too quickly to detect. However, she reports the following:
1. First, the sodium/potassium ratio decreases. This is a pattern that we call “into
2. The sodium/potassium ratio then stabilizes, usually at a low
level. One must feel some fatigue
and often frustration and fear at this stage.
When one has completed the previous stage, the sodium/potassium ratio rises
again and may rise too high for a time.
This is often a time of anger, which is associated with an elevated
When one has processed the anger and allowed it to subside, the
sodium/potassium ratio decreases to a normal range and one is complete with
forgiving the incident or situation.
She reports that one may have to go through this process a number of
times if one has experienced multiple rapes or other traumas.
process or healing cycle is helpful to know about because it can explain why
one’s mineral patterns change in unusual ways for a time.
ARE THERE LOGICAL REASONS TO FORGIVE?
first glance, when one is harmed in some way, it seems only logical to react
with anger and resentment.
However, there are reasons to forgive that most people have not thought
of. They are:
1. The law of cause and effect. This
law basically states that “What goes around, comes
around”. The Bible expresses the
same idea: “As you sow, so shall you reap”.
may say that this is just blaming the victim, who already feels terrible. Shame on us for suggesting it!
However, most holy books of ALL religions on earth accept the law of
cause and effect. So perhaps it is
not blaming the victim and perhaps there is no victim.
law applies to the souls. Souls
live for thousands of years and inhabit many bodies. It is certainly possible that in a past time, your soul
engaged in unseemly behavior, so now it is being “evened out”. One cannot disprove this point of
is even possible that one is not “guilty” of any wrongdoing, but is living on
earth and got caught up with the fate of the planet at this time. This is a sort of collective version of
the law of cause and effect.
2. Perhaps one needed to learn one or
more lessons. Facing adversity is often a rapid way to learn
lessons. Hopefully, one learns
lessons from all experiences, even horrible ones.
example, the lesson might be to learn about rape, or poverty, or lying, so that
in the future you can better assist others who experience the same type of trauma. It may be a kind of training exercise.
3. Perhaps what occurred was needed
to help someone else. This is certainly possible. Souls help each other. And once again, it is impossible to
4. Perhaps the event or incident
saved your life. This sounds odd, but you cannot
disprove it. For example, if the
event or incident had not occurred, you would have been somewhere else and
would have been run over by a car and killed.
This is possible. The
author has been told this occurred a number of times in his life.
5. The universe is mysterious.
Holding on to resentment presumes that you fully understand exactly what
occurred and why. In truth,
however, there is much that no one understands. So holding on to resentment is actually a form of arrogance
or egomania that is best discarded.
WHY IS FORGIVING SO IMPORTANT?
1. Resentment kills.
Holding on to anger and holding grudges wears out the adrenal glands and
the thyroid gland. Eventually, it
weakens and can destroy the entire body and mind.
2. Resentment leads to compensatory
behavior that will get in the way of living your life. For
example, resentment often causes overeating, living on junk food or so-called
“comfort food”, smoking cigarettes or marijuana, staying up late watching television,
viewing pornography, or other habits people use to “forget their pain.”
3. Resentments often lead to severe
frustration, hostility, neuroses and even psychoses.
Neuroses are alterations in your perception of reality. Psychoses are actual breaks with
reality in which a person makes up their own reality because true perception of
reality is not acceptable in some way.
incidents and situations often give rise to nightmares, post-traumatic stress
disorder or PTSD, anxiety attacks or panic attacks.
These are called breakthrough
disorders. What occurs is that old grudges and resentments can break
through into waking consciousness when you least expect it.
Another breakthrough disorder that can occur is regressing. Under
stress, a person who holds an old grudge or resentment suddenly begins to act
like an immature, enraged and sometimes violent 10-year-old or even 2-year-old
5. Holding on to resentment and
judgments ruins families, marriages, careers, and other life achievements.
6. Failure to forgive others can block one
from receiving forgiveness for one’s own transgressions.
7. Failure to forgive oneself often
leads to an inability to forgive anyone else.
FOUR STEPS OF FORGIVING
1. Desire. One must truly desire to forgive. This is essential or forgiveness will not occur.
Intention means focused and ongoing desire. Otherwise, desire tends to fade away and be replaced with
new desires each day, week or month.
3. Allowing. Once
you have set your desire and intention to forgive, one must relax and just
allow the unwinding of all judgments, grudges, anger, hatred, and
resentments. This is a very
difficult step for some people because the feelings that come up can be very
ugly or unpleasant.
Many clients report, for example, that when they choose to forgive a
rape they feel like murdering people!
For some people, this feeling is totally unacceptable.
One day you may wake up furious, and the next day you may just want to
cry. To get through the process of
forgiving, one must allow these feelings to surface. Just observe all feelings without suppressing or wallowing in them and
they will pass. Observe
the feelings as though they are clouds passing by in the sky.
4. Surrender. This
is a continuation of allowing on a larger level. It means to relax completely, do your best to enjoy the
process of forgiving, and not to try to control it.
Practicing these four steps is not just a matter of saying “I forgive
you”. It is a deep psychological
process. However, anyone can do
it. For more on the four steps
above, please read Four Steps To Action on this
WHY IS GIVING UP RESENTMENT AND ANGER
SOMETIMES VERY DIFFICULT?
1. Being afraid that forgiving means
I must be friends with someone who I don’t like and maybe even stay in a
relationship with this person. This is not true. Reread the definitions at the beginning
of this article.
2. One has unusual electronic
implants in the seventh energy center area of the brain. These
make forgiving more difficult. We
know this sounds odd, but it is true, in some instances. If you follow a complete development
program and ask us about it, we can help remove these. This makes forgiving easier.
3. Resentment feeds your ego. It
makes you feel so superior and better than that other jerky person. Look out for this hidden reason why
many people hold onto resentments and grudges.
4. Resentment (the word means to feel again) has become part of your personality
structure or identity. Letting
go of anger can be frightening because it can leave a void or an emptiness in your personality. If you are not that “angry person” or that “victim”, then
who are you? You are God’s child
and you are God’s love in human form.
That is who you really are.
5. Giving up resentment may take away
your energy. This is more common than one might
imagine! The reason this occurs is
have been living on the energy of resentment. It is a real energy, although it is pathological. If you give up your resentment, you may
not be able to get out of bed in the morning! This is an important reason why following a development
program can help one forgive – it restores natural energy production.
have been told by your counselor or someone else that you
“should” remain angry and resentful about a situation or incident. You
may have been told that you have “a right to be angry”. This is common psychobabble today, and
WHAT IF I AM STUCK IN UNFORGIVENESS?
Here are some suggestions:
1. Read this article a number of
times. This can help the ideas to sink in deeply and help you to
become more committed to forgiveness.
A psychological principle is: That to which you commit, you will achieve.
2. Ask daily in prayer that you be helped with forgiveness. The answers may come in unusual ways because
prayer has a mysterious power.
We find that forgiving requires a healthy
relationship with the Creator.
At this time, we don’t understand exactly why this is true. However, we find that our clients who
are having trouble forgiving do not like God or the Creator, and this appears
to block forgiveness.
way to change this is to say out loud “I
willingly choose to forgive ______ and I ask God to bless ______.”
This can help correct your relationship with the Creator, who always
loves you unconditionally, but who gives you free will and gives others free
will, as well.
3. Follow a development program. This
can restore your natural source of energy. It will also help you mentally process correctly. Most people’s brains are malnourished
This program (not diets or just taking vitamins, or other programs)
helps your mental clarity, your memory, and your ability to process
traumas. Removing toxic metals has
an amazing effect all by itself, and this is just one consequence of a
To begin a program, contact one of the Approved
Practitioners listed on this website.
You can also begin with the Free
Program. However, this is an
introductory program only. Most of
the time, it will not be effective enough just doing it yourself without
4. Change your perspective. For
example, perhaps there was a reason or lesson for you in the incident or
situation. Holding anger and
resentment about it is thus not appropriate or helpful.
Ask what might be the lesson of the incident, rather than just look at
how horrible it was.
5. Look into a program called Total
Forgiveness. It is a Christian-based, tough-love
program aimed primarily at women.
It consists of a set of video programs and a seminar for those who need
it. To find it, type Total Forgiveness into your computer
LOCKED INTO UNFORGIVENESS
Some people seem locked
into an attitude of unforgiveness. If that is your situation, reread the
section above about Why People Don’t Want To Forgive.
Also, the development program will usually help break the lock. It may require different procedures from
the ones you are doing, or a more intense application of the program.
We are researching whether the newest procedure, the hydrogen peroxide
implant procedure, can help with this problem and we believe it can. We recommend doing this procedure for
half an hour daily for at least a month and perhaps longer if you find yourself
locked in unforgiveness. For details, read Peroxide
Implants For Women or Peroxide Implants For Men.
FORGIVENESS VERSUS JUDGMENT
An interesting fact is that forgiving is only needed if you form a
judgment about a person or situation.
For example, if you are hit by another driver on the
highway, but you do not take it personally and do not form a judgment
about the person or situation, you will not need to forgive the other
person. You will let the incident
JUDGMENT VERSUS DISCERNMENT
A topic related to the one above is the difference between judgment
and discernment. Judgment has a “final” or “conclusive”
quality about it that makes it stick in your brain. This is what causes the block in
consciousness that is called resentment or hatred. This hatred, in turn, is what upsets and harms you, and
creates a need to forgive.
Discerning means just noticing the truth without emotional
attachment. This carries much less finality and condemnation. Discernment is more like just having an
opinion. It need not be final,
conclusive or judgmental. It is
more “in the moment”. It may be
compared to the way a ship slips noiselessly through the water, or a bird flies
silently through the sky.
The bird makes decisions in each moment where to go. However, it leaves little or no trace
and has little or no emotional attachment to these decisions.
This is the same as saying there is no judgment. One just keeps moving forward.
III. RELIGIOUS ASPECTS
is an important topic in most religions.
Here are a few comments about this aspect of forgiveness.
CAN HUMAN BEINGS REALLY FORGIVE, OR
CAN ONLY GOD FORGIVE?
appears that this is not clear from reading the Bible. Here is why:
- The Lord’s
Prayer states “Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass upon us”
– Matthew 23-24. This
implies that human beings can and should forgive.
- The New
Testament also contains the famous statement of Jesus, “Forgive them, Father,
for they know not what they do.”- Luke 23:34. This statement might imply that Jesus was not able to
forgive and that only the Father can forgive.
However, it is also possible Jesus had forgiven them, but asked that they also be forgiven by the Father in Heaven.
1. If I forgive, must I avoid this
person, or must I remain friendly with this person? This depends
upon the situation.
For example, if the one you have forgiven is an ex-marriage partner
and you have a child together, you may need to stay in touch with the person
for at least 15 or 20 years, and perhaps longer.
If you forgive your boss at work for some incident, and you decide to
continue working at the same job, then you may need to smile a little and be
polite. However, in other
situations, there is no reason to keep in touch at all.
2. Must I never speak of the incident
ever again? You can speak about it again, and often much more
easily. However, if you have forgiven it, you will no longer
dwell upon the incident.
Forgiveness is an internal
letting go process. Speech is outward expression. What matters is to forgive
internally. Then the words will
come out properly.
If you don’t forgive, the words or lack thereof will always be
incorrect, and tinged with anger and resentment.
3. Should I feel sorry for the
person, or for myself, and do I need to let that go, also? Forgiveness means letting go of the person, incident or situation
completely, so there is no room to feel sorry for the person, or for yourself.
In fact, if you indulge in feeling sorry for the person or situation,
you will likely be drawn back into it.
It usually means that you never really forgave perfectly in the first
Many people say, “I forgave the person or situation, but then I
slipped back into anger or fear.”
This usually means the person never forgave fully.
4. Is there a relationship between
forgiving others and forgiving oneself?
Yes. Forgiving oneself helps one forgive
others. Forgiving others helps you
5. Don’t I have a right to be angry
if someone wrongs me? The answer may depend upon what you mean by a right. If by a right you
mean a special legal privilege given by God, or by the government, then there
is no right.
If, by a right, you simply mean permission, then yes, you may be as
judgmental as you wish for as long as you wish. However, this does not make holding grudges and resentments
a wise idea.
6. Does “following the rules” ever
force us to judge? For example, when a child disobeys the rules,
should not the parent judge the child and take action. Otherwise, won’t the child grow up to
be a spoiled brat?
The answer is that one can teach and punish a child without judging or
holding resentment. One can simply
say that a rule was broken (without saying that the behavior was “bad”) and
therefore a time-out or punishment is warranted. This is punishment without judging.
If a parent holds a grudge against the child for the child’s behavior
or words, this is not correct and the parent needs to practice forgiveness to
release the judgment about the child’s action or words.
7. Is there
some act or sin so horrendous that it cannot be forgiven? Some religions say there are unforgivable sins. However, we believe that all sins can
and are forgiven by God.
8. Is holding on to dislike about a crime
or incident different from being unforgiving? Yes. It is perfectly okay to dislike certain
behaviors. However, this should
not cause an emotional and a glandular reaction in the body. If it does cause an emotional feeling
or response, then one is holding on to anger or resentment about it that one
needs to release.
We consistently find that people who cannot forgive become stuck when
the follow the development program. They get to a point where if they follow the diet, take certain
supplements or do the procedures it brings up terrific anger or
At other times, the program brings up terrible fear and anxiety. Whatever the emotions or thoughts, they
often can only be resolved by forgiveness, and nothing else. This is how important forgiving is for
For more details, read, Forgiving Your Parents.