by Dr. Lawrence Wilson
© October 2018, L.D. Wilson Consultants, Inc.
All information in this article is for educational purposes only. It is not for the diagnosis, treatment, prescription or cure of any disease or health condition.
Millions of people consider themselves victims. One can feel like a victim of the government, of your disease, of your childhood and parents, of men, of women, of your angry or disabled child, of the rapist, the robber, the murderer, the drunk who hit your car and killed your family, and the list goes on.
This article explores what it is to be a victim and why you need to stop it now.
DEFINITION OF A VICTIM
A victim, by definition, is powerless, helpless, and ruled by circumstances and forces beyond his or her control. This is probably an adequate definition of a victim.
The opposite of a victim is a sovereign or one who is free. The opposite is also a person who insists on taking FULL RESPONSIBILITY FOR EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENS in his or her life, even the rape, the car accident with the drunk who crossed the yellow line, the illness, the abusive parent, and everything else. I know this sounds difficult, but it can be done and often it must be done to get free of the victim mentality.
I believe that all victims are mentally ill to some degree. I know this is a harsh statement, but please think about it. It is easy to fall into victimhood, but it is not spiritually correct. In fact, I believe everything that “happens” to us is arranged, to some degree, at least, with our permission or consent. This is why holding on to victimhood is always a mental illness, at least to a degree. It is simply incorrect thinking or neurosis or even psychosis (where it is related to paranoia).
I also believe that most victims are angry people, and usually quite unforgiving people. This is another spiritual illness associated with victim thinking. Many victims also lie and exaggerate, to some degree. They also tend to be ungrateful people to some degree, and they are all mixed up, to a degree. I know this extended definition will make the victims even more angry, but there is a reason I am saying it.
WHY ARE VICTIMS SO ANGRY?
The simple answer is that anger is their savior, meaning they don’t take action, they take anger, or really resentment, which is worse. That is, they prefer to stay angry rather than getting out of victimhood. That is the simple answer, and for now it will suffice, although there is more to it.
WHY BE A VICTIM?
Some would say, no one chooses to be a victim. It just happens one day, maybe even the day you are born. However, I offer a different view.
Victimhood is an ATTITUDE, not an event. Events affect people differently. Here are several examples of the choice you have how to react to events.
Falling down. One person falls down the stairs, breaks a leg and says, I am a victim of the torn carpeting or the toy left on the step, or the shoe that doesn’t fit well. But another person admits he or she was sloppy, careless, or in a hurry, so an accident occurred.
Rape. One lady says “I was just walking in the park and a man grabbed me and raped me violently until I nearly died”. Surely that is a victim.
But another lady states it differently. She says, “I was stupid to walk alone in the park. I was even told once never to walk alone, especially in that park. I take full responsibility and I am grateful to be alive. I will teach others to keep the holy female body safe”.
She adds, “I went straight to the police to report my rape and when they didn’t get the man, I hired a private detective for $10,000.00 to find him and get him put away”. (For much more on this, read Rape and Healing Rape on this site.)
Car accident. One person says the drunk just swerved into my traffic lane and hit our car head on, killing my whole family and nearly killing me. What could be more of a victim?
But another man says, we should not have been driving in such a small car, and if I had slept more and taken better care of my health, perhaps I could have reacted faster and mitigated the accident.
Meanwhile, I am now helping to get drunks off the streets by hiring more cops, and I now give money to alcohol prevention programs and rehabilitation programs like Alcoholics Anonymous that work. I also support legislation to make cars safer and roads safer. (For more on taking responsibility, read The Real Self on this site.)
Cancer. One person says the cancer just struck one day and now I’m an invalid and probably just going to die at a young age in terrible pain and agony.
But another person says, cancer is just a wake up call. Healthy bodies don’t get cancer. There are groups in the world who rarely get cancer, though they live to a ripe old age and are not “genetically superior” to me.
I have studied and found out that toxic metals and toxic chemicals in the body cause cancer, along with refined food diets and especially eating sweets and junk foods. Stress and resentment also cause cancer. I was doing a little of all of that, so I set myself up for the cancer. I am changing my ways, and I think I can beat it, even without the doctor’s toxic treatments that I know don’t really get rid of the cause. (For more, read Cancer And Alternatives).
Beating. One person says my father beat me and mother held me down. I was just a small child. Surely I am a victim and there was little I could do to “take responsibility” when I was just two years old (or maybe younger).
But another person realizes that maybe I had something to do with choosing my parents and my situation, and even if I did not, I will not let it hold me back any longer.
Many other children, like the starving babies in Africa, Asia and even a few in America, had it much worse than me. I will not feel sorry for myself any more.
I choose now to take full responsibility for my life, even though I don’t understand it. I will not keep hating my father and my mother, and I choose to move on.
Meanwhile, I support charities that deal with domestic violence and child abuse, and help prevent it and stop in others. Also, I will stop doing it if I ever catch myself doing it to another person in any way, shape or form, as this happens when one has been treated this way.
The point of all this is that choices exist, and victimhood is a choice. It is a bad choice that keeps one angry, keeps one ill, keeps one unhappy in all cases, but it is just a choice. You can decide today “I choose again”. “I can choose peace instead of this”, and so on. For more affirmations, see I Choose on this website.
VICTIMS CANNOT FORGIVE
Many people advocate forgiveness after one has been harmed, raped, beaten up or taken advantage of in some other way. This website strongly suggests it. However, some people find forgiveness at the deepest levels very difficult to do. The reason is they are still victims and victims cannot forgive because they lack the power to do so. This is a key point in this article.
Victims cannot forgive, as they lack the power to do so. SO IF YOU WANT TO FORGIVE THAT PERSON OR SITUATION OR EVENT BUT FIND YOU CANNOT, STOP THE VICTIM ATTITUDE AND YOU WILL FIND FORGIVENESS MUCH EASIER AND SIMPLER.
The reason for this is that to forgive means that you are “above” or beyond the situation, you can see what happened, and you are ready to move on. Victims are still deep in their situation, even if it happened years ago. So they cannot forgive, as they are not ready to move on and are not above or beyond the immediate situation.
Victims also cannot forgive because to forgive would mean to let go of the identity of being a victim, which is often worn proudly by the victim right on his or her chest. It puffs up the chest and makes one feel noble and special. Forgiving means giving it up forever. So that is out. This is another reason why forgiveness is so hard for some people.
Forgiveness is also hard for some people because they don’t really know what happened. For example, they may forgive Dad for that one bad spanking, but they don’t remember or have blotted out the other 100 bad spankings, and maybe a rape that occurred, too, because those are too painful.
So they say, “Dad, I forgive the spanking”, but it is not enough. This is very common, by the way, since the mind blanks out or suppresses what it cannot handle. It shows up on hair mineral tests as a low sodium/potassium ratio in many cases, or perhaps a high Ca/Mg ratio, so you can’t fool the test even if you are fooling yourself or are simply unaware of the whole terrible truth of your trauma.
Another reason some people cannot forgive is they are still so angry. One must first decide to stop the anger and begin to reason calmly.
This is often a little more difficult for women, we find, who tend to go to emotion easily, perhaps due to their higher level of copper in the body, and lower level of zinc than men. However, plenty of men just stay angry and cannot forgive for this reason, too. For more on this, read Forgiveness on this website.
HOW A VICTIM ATTITUDE HARMS YOUR HEALTH AND WELL-BEING
Give up victimhood if for no other reason than that is very damaging to your health. A victim attitude and the accompanying attitudes of anger, laziness and lack of forgiveness may easily:
1. Suppress your immune response.
2. Damage digestion and elimination,
3. Cause back pain, headaches, and other aches and pains.
4. Affect the cardiovascular system.
5. Upset the voluntary and the autonomic nervous systems.
6. More ….
ALL LIBERAL, LEFT-WING, SOCIALIST, ENTITLEMENT, AND OFTEN NEW AGE THINKING IS VICTIMHOOD
Make no mistake about it. Blaming the rich, blaming the corporations, blaming the government – all of it is victimhood. If you want to stop being a victim, let it go and stop reading the liberal books and blogs, stop listening to the liberal TV commentators who just throw in a few jabs at the Republicans and the rich people to remind you to hate them. It is all victimhood.
In fact, anything that separates people is a form of victimhood because it tends to compare and contrast people, saying that some are more worthy than others in some way. This is also called social justice, a horrible concept.
Affirmative action is another victim-based program, as is political correctness in all of its forms. Avoid all of these, now and forever more, if you ever want to be free and sovereign.
Instead, support free market solutions and capitalism. These political and economic solutions help raise people up, help all people excel, help people get rich, and help people work harder and learn new skills.
This may seem silly and off the subject, but it is not off the subject at all! Many people unknowingly support systems that promote victimhood, such as socialism, communism, Occupy Wall Street, Marxism, progressivism, leftism or liberalism.
You may be saying, “I don’t want to be a victim, but I can’t seem to help myself. I just keep thinking of how horrible it was”. This is a common dilemma. So the rest of this short article is about the steps needed to heal victimhood.
1. An awareness that “Yes, I am feeling like a victim of circumstances or events in some way.”
This means you must acknowledge that you consider yourself a victim, with victim attitudes and a victim perspective on your life, no matter what happened or did not happen to you.
2. A firm decision that “I no longer care to be a victim.” It means I will no longer indulge my anger at my father, or the drunk who hit the car and killed the family, or the man that backed his car over my dog, or the boyfriend or husband who ran away, or my child who takes drugs and torments me day and night.
The decision must be real and final. It means I no longer feel sorry for myself, I am no longer willing to run away to my silly pleasures that keep me from feeling how depressed I am, I will no longer run with friends that “agree” on how rotten this world is, and I will no longer read the victim newspapers and the victim websites.
I will no longer indulge in any idle talk about victims of this or that, meaning that I reject the idea that anyone must stay a victim of the hurricane, the tornado, the computer that crashed, the teacher who flunked you or said you are stupid, and so on. In other words, I reject all that and I reject it now and forever.
3. Ask for God’s help and guidance to do the above, especially if I am having problems doing it. I ask every single day in prayer and meditation for help in letting go of my victim thinking, victim attitudes, victim friends, and so on.
4. Embark on a complete nutritional balancing program to strengthen the body, the mind and the soul. I am not kidding. This helps many, many people to let go of all victimhood. The Coffee Enemas and the daily Sauna Therapy can help a lot. The Pushing Down Mental Exercise – and not other meditations and prayers – may be absolutely necessary to help you become aware of your attitudes, aware of your past, and help you to detach, become grounded and centered, see clearly, and therefore to allow you to let go of your victim thinking. Do not skip these procedures!
5. Use other methods if you can find them such as role-playing, biofeedback and perhaps others to help you get in touch with events, memories, feelings and so on. Be careful, however, as most counselors and psychologists today encourage anger and victimhood, at least for a while. This is their own failing, but it will keep you down and keep you coming back for more therapy after you have really had enough.
You only need as much therapy as is needed to show you your true attitudes and feelings, and perhaps why you have them. Then it is time for “the leap”. This is the decision that “I have had enough of victimhood. It is not fun! I am a victim of my victimhood and IT MUST GO – ALL OF IT - NOW.”
VICTIM PATTERNS ON A HAIR MINERAL ANALYSIS
A surprisingly accurate way to identify a person who has a victim mentality is to use the following criteria on a hair mineral analysis, provided the hair has not been washed at the laboratory:
1. The hair sodium level must be 1, 2 or 3 mg% only.
2. AND the potassium level must be 1 or 2 mg%.
3. AND the sodium/potassium ratio must be less than 2.5.
4. Most often, the oxidation rate is slow.
5. At times, the person is in a four lows pattern, but this is not required.
This means there are four combinations possible for the levels of sodium and potassium: 1 - 1, 1 - 2, 2 – 2, and 3 – 2.
Quantifying victim patterns. The basic victim pattern = No four lows and sodium is 2 mg% and potassium is 1 mg%.
Add another victim pattern for each of the following conditions:
- four lows
- low four lows
- sodium = 1 mg% and potassium = 1 mg%
- sodium = 1 mg% and potassium = 2 mg%.
For example, if the person with a victim pattern is a low four lows, this is a 3X pattern (the basic pattern, four lows, and low four lows).
ARTICLES ON THIS WEBSITE TO HELP GET OUT OF VICTIMHOOD
If you want to stop being a victim, read the following articles many times:
** I Choose **
The following is a good article found on the internet:
HOW TO BREAK OUT OF A VICTIMHOOD MENTALITY – 7 POWERFUL TIPS
“If it’s never our fault, we can’t take responsibility for it. If we can’t take responsibility for it, we’ll always be its victim.”
“Self-pity is easily the most destructive of the non-pharmaceutical narcotics; it is addictive, gives momentary pleasure and separates the victim from reality.”
John W. Gardner
One big problem a lot of people have is that they slip into thinking of themselves as victims that have little or no control over their lives. In this headspace you feel sorry for yourself, the world seems to be against you and you get stuck. Little to no action is taken and you get lost in a funk of sadness and self-pity.
So how can you move out of that mindset? In this article I’d like to share a few things that have helped me.
1. Know the benefits of a victim mentality.
There are a few benefits of the victim mentality:
• Attention and validation. You can always get good feelings from other people as they are concerned about you and try to help you out. On the other hand, it may not last for that long as people get tired of it.
• You don’t have to take risks. When you feel like a victim you tend to not take action and then you don’t have to risk for example rejection or failure.
• Don’t have to take the sometimes heavy responsibility. Taking responsibility for you own life can be hard work, you have to make difficult decisions and it is just heavy sometimes. In the short term it can feel like the easier choice to not take personal responsibility.
• It makes you feel right. When you feel like the victim and like everyone else – or just someone else – is wrong and you are right then that can lead to pleasurable feelings.
In my experience, by just being aware of the benefits I can derive from victim thinking it becomes easier to say no to that and to choose to take a different path.
It also makes it easier to make rational decisions about what to do. Yes, I know that I can avoid risk and the hard work of taking action by feeling like a victim. But I also know that there are even more positive results if I choose to take the other route, if I make the better choice to take a chance and start moving forward.
2. Be ok with not being the victim.
So to break out of that mentality you have to give up the benefits above. You might also experience a sort of emptiness within when you let go of victim thinking. You may have spent hours each week with thinking and talking about how wrong things have gone for you in life. Or how people have wronged you and how you could get some revenge or triumph over them.
Now you have to fill your life with new thinking that may feel uncomfortable because it is not so intimately familiar as the victim thinking your have been engaging in for years.
3. Take responsibility for your life.
Why do people often have self-esteem problems? I’d say that one of the big reasons is that they don’t take responsibility for their lives. Instead someone else is blamed for the bad things that happen and a victim mentality is created and empowered.
This damages many vital parts in your life. Stuff like relationships, ambitions and achievements.
That hurt will not stop until you wise up and take responsibility for your life. There is really no way around it.
And the difference is really remarkable. Just try it out. You feel so much better about yourself even if you only take personal responsibility for your own life for a day.
This is also a way to stop relying on external validation like praise from other people to feel good about yourself. Instead you start building a stability within and a sort of inner spring that fuels your life with positive emotions no matter what other people say or do around you.
When I feel that I am putting myself in victim role I like to ask myself this question:
“Does someone have it worse on the planet?”
The answer may not result in positive thoughts, but it can sure snap you of a somewhat childish “poor, poor me…” attitude pretty quickly. I understand that I have much to be grateful for in my life.
This question changes my perspective from a narrow, self-centred one into a much wider one. It helps me to lighten up about my situation.
After I have changed my perspective I usually ask another question like:
“What is the hidden opportunity within this situation?”
That is very helpful to keep your focus on how to solve a problem or get something good out a current situation. Rather than asking yourself “why?” over and over and thereby focusing on making yourself feel worse and worse.
It’s easy to get wrapped up in thinking that forgiveness is just about something you “should do”. But forgiving can in a practical way be extremely beneficial for you.
One of the best reasons to forgive can be found in this quote by Catherine Ponder:
“When you hold resentment toward another, you are bound to that person or condition by an emotional link that is stronger than steel. Forgiveness is the only way to dissolve that link and get free.”
As long as you don’t forgive someone you are linked to that person. Your thoughts will return to the person who wronged you and what s/he did over and over again. The emotional link between the two of you is so strong and inflicts much suffering in you and – as a result of your inner turmoil – most often in other people around you too.
When you forgive you do not only release the other person. You set yourself free too from all of that agony.
6. Turn your focus outward and help someone out.
The questions in tip #4 are useful. Another question I use when I get into the victim headspace is simply:
“How can I give value right now?”
Asking that question and making that shift in what you focus on really helps, even if you may not feel totally like doing it.
So I figure out how I can give someone else value, how I can help someone out.
And thing is that the way you behave and think towards others seems to have a big, big effect on how you behave towards yourself and think about yourself. For example, judge people more and you tend to judge yourself more. Be more kind to other people and help them and you tend to be more kind and helpful to yourself.
A bit counter intuitive perhaps, but that has been my experience. The more you love other people, the more your love yourself.
7. Give yourself a break.
Getting out of a victim mentality can be hard. Some days you will slip. That’s ok. Be ok with that.
And be nice to yourself. If you have to be perfect then one little slip is made into a big problem and may cause you to spiral down into a very negative place for many days.
It is more helpful to just give yourself a break and use the tips above to move yourself into a positive and empowered headspace once again.