A MOTHERŐS DILEMMA
© January 2017, by The Children
All information in this article is for educational purposes only. It is not for the diagnosis, treatment, prescription or cure of any disease or health condition.
This is a very important article. Please read it carefully if you are considering having children, or if you have babies or children under age 10 or so. After age 10, children become more helpful and more independent, so the dilemma is less important.
It is also more critical to read this if you have, or want to have, more than two children. This article could save your sanity, your childrenŐs sanity, and even your marriage.
WHAT IS THE MOTHERŐS DILEMMA?
The motherŐs dilemma is a series of events that take place in many families. Here is the sequence:
1. Mom must care for her babies or young children
2. To do this, she does not have enough time to take care of her own body, her health, her emotions, her house, and perhaps her husbandŐs needs, as well.
3. As a result, she becomes torn between taking care of her children, and taking care of herself, her husband, and her other household duties.
4. This results in fear, anxiety, and the worst - resentment against her children and her husband.
5. She does not know what to do, or how to handle these feelings of deprivation, anxiety, and then resentment.
6. She often takes out her anger against the children and husband. This might be in obvious ways such as getting angry and snapping at the children for no good reason.
7. She might also deal with the dilemma covertly. For example, many mothers decide to just placate the children, distract them with television or cartoons, or stupid jokes. She may also decide to weaken the children by letting them eat fruit, candy, cookies and other junk. She knows it is not the best thing to eat, but it is easy, quick, and they shut up for a while. She may also know that it weakens them so they get tired sooner and sleep more, leaving her more time for herself. This is a horrible thing to do to your children!!!!!
8. The children now pick up on the situation. They know something is wrong, but they donŐt understand it, in most cases. They just know they are not getting the right food, or the right kind of attention. Instead, Mom is angry, or lets things slide, or acts strange.
9. Children always think it is their fault, so many children will then become sad or angry. Many will Ňact outÓ, trying to get the right kind of attention, even though they donŐt know exactly what they want, and Mom does not understand what is needed, usually, because she is so stressed and ignorant.
10. The babies and children also become very insecure, and this is always bad! As a result of this, they cry more, they get sick more, they have more trouble eating and sleeping, they get very fussy, and more. This is a very important part of the scenario I am depicting.
11. Now for Dad. He comes home from work, for example, and instead of being greeted with hugs and smiles, the children are upset and angry, and too often his wife is upset and exhausted. Both tend to make more demands on him.
12. However, he does not understand what is going on, in most cases. He is also tired, of course, from working all day, often at a job he does not particularly like and often with people he doesnŐt particularly like. He would prefer to be at home with Mom and the kids, but it is not possible.
13. Also, he often works in less than optimal conditions such as a lot of physical labor, or sitting under fluorescent lights all day, and/or sitting in front of a computer all day spewing stray electromagnetic fields in his face. Most men and women are somewhat tired and ill to begin with, and this just wears him out more.
14. As a result, he becomes angry and resentful of the family and of his wife. He begins to see his wife and children as a burden, not a joy. They seem to always get in the way, eating up his money, making him work harder, and providing little comfort and happiness for him.
15. So that is the picture. It ruins the love in the home, it damages the children for life, and it can destroy the marriage as each parent blames the other. Even some counselors donŐt really understand motherŐs dilemma fully, so they donŐt know what to do about it. Yet ruining the home and the marriage is really the last thing a mother wants. So letŐs look at what can be done about it.
Before discussing solutions, beware of denial. You may say, Ňthis is not meÓ, and Ňthis is not my familyÓ. ŇI have good childrenÓ, ŇI do pretty well with all the stressÓ, and similar statement.
In fact, any mother with more than two children has this dilemma, at least to some degree. Maybe your problems are not too bad, but be careful about saying that the above is just not true in your case.
WHAT IS GOING ON AT DEEPER LEVELS THAT CAUSES THE ANGER AND RESENTMENT, AND EVEN DIVORCE?
Usually, a lot is going on at the deeper levels, and most of it is not good. For example:
- MomŐs needs. Mom wants to get her hair done, and there is no money for it, or she feels guilty spending DadŐs hard-earned cash on such as frivolous thing. So instead, she feels kind of ugly and frumpy all the time.
- Mom really needs to relax in a bath, but the children need her attention all day.
- Mom is no longer doing her nutritional balancing program correctly, because there is so little time, and when she has time or makes time, all she wants to do is sleep or rest.
- Mom and Dad donŐt get enough time for hugs, sex, outings just by themselves, and so on. So they both resent the children, who seem to be demanding more and more.
- Mom needs a vacation, but she doesnŐt know how to arrange it so she doesnŐt have to work during the whole vacation caring for the children.
- DadŐs needs: He needs some peace and quiet in the house when he comes home from work. He also needs some attention from his wife, which maybe he is not getting. He may also need some appreciation for the long hours he spends at work, essentially alone with a strange crowd, just to earn a little money. He might need more sex, or more hugs, or other things, too, that he is used to, and no longer gets.
Dad, and Mom may actually revert or become like children, recalling their own childhood traumas and problems, and feeling abandoned, for example, or hurt in some way.
- ChildrenŐs needs. Children need a happy, peaceful, upbeat Mom!!! That is vital for happy children. Parents are like God to the children. It is no fun if Mom or Dad are grumpy, snappy, angry, full of hate because they are ill or tired, or just not there because they have to get away from the kids to have some peace.
- Listen carefully, parents. Your children need you most of the time. If you want to wash the car or mow the lawn, or read the paper, please ask us to come along. I know it is a burden, but soon we will be grownup and will leave you alone
WHAT TO DO
1. Read the above sections many times until you really understand the dilemma. That goes a long way to solving it. There is an old saying, that if you really understand a problem, you have the solution. I love that saying.
It is not that complex, but some parents will need some counseling to understand it fully.
2. Talk with your children and your husband or wife about everything! This is great advice, because if you follow it, which few parents do, then the truth will come out. However, the truth is often unpleasant, selfish-sounding, and sometimes downright awful. However, it needs to come out.
3. Everyone go on a nutritional balancing program, and try to do it together, as much as possible. The program can actually be a way to have quality family time together, and at the same time, it builds health and well-being in 20 or more ways. I cannot recommend this enough.
If funds are tight, then do as much of the program as you can – such as the diet, first off, and perhaps a few procedures that really donŐt cost any money. For example, everyone gets a foot rub. This alone is wonderful! Everyone can meditate together, too. No cost there. However, it must be the Roy Masters type of meditation, as they others do not have the same effects. Everyone can eat good food together, and support one another in this effort, and so on.
4. Sometimes counseling is helpful, though not always. Too many counselors are divorcees, and are cynical, hate men, and believe in divorce at the drop of a hat. So be very careful, even with Christian counselors, although these are usually better than the others.
5. Look for books, movies and other materials available for parents who are stressed. Many contain good ideas, even if some are strange to you. Examples are having a date night for Mom and Dad once a week, or making sure the family goes on vacation once a month, even if it is only a night of camping, or even just going to an event together. These things have meaning, however, both for the children and for the parents.
6. At a deeper level, parents must realize that working out these problems is not just ŇtroubleÓ. It is growth, maturity, teaching times for the children and parents, and part of life. In other words, try to change your attitude about the entire dilemma. Stop viewing it as something negative, and try to view it positively, as a challenge of having a family. It is really an age-old dilemma, and some parents and some psychologists really have figured out some good answers. They will need to be adapted for your situation, but in principle they are sound.
7. Solutions always involve:
A. Total respect for the needs and wants of each person in the family. Usually, these must be expressed and the other family members must sit and listen to them, and not interrupt! Use a talking stick if needed. If you donŐt know what this is, then look it up on Google.
B. Everyone must help everyone else with ideas, suggestions, and more. This is an important attitude in a family.
C. No one is more important!! Yes, Dad has to go to work, although maybe he could work from home, for example, and have more time to help Mom, perhaps. Maybe Mom has to work, too, but the children are important, too.
Maybe the family does not need so much money if everyone is willing to live in a smaller house, on the other side of town or out of town. Maybe the family doesnŐt need the fancy car or the boat, or the lake house, or the athletic club membership that would otherwise pay for a babysitter.
D. Think creatively, and do not accept defeat ever. Keep the attitude of, and say it often, ŇWe will work this out togetherÓ. These words, alone, have a great healing effect. It reminds Mom, Dad and the children that we are a family and we will remain a family always, and we will not just blame each other and destroy the family.
E. Realize how important your health is in all this. If you have great energy, you (Mom, Dad and children) can handle a lot more stress. So everyone start eating the nutritional balancing diets (not just a ŇgoodÓ diet according to the TV doctors), and everyone go to bed earlier, take naps together, get some fresh air daily, and so on.
I know I keep emphasizing this, but it is a great key today, because so many people do not feel well, even if they have been to the doctor 100 times and have been told they are ŇfineÓ. The hair mineral analyses tell a very different story, and that is why I use them, though it is always depressing for me to see the illness patterns in almost everyone today.