ALL ABOUT MARRIAGE

by Dr. Lawrence Wilson

© June 2018, LD Wilson Consultants, Inc.

 

Contents

 

I. INTRODUCTION

Definitions

 

II. THE PURPOSES OF MARRIAGE

Survival

Procreation

Political And Economic Reasons

Social Reasons

Teamwork Or Creative Reasons

Wisdom Marriage

To Build An Etheric body

Development

 

III. REQUIREMENTS FOR MARRIAGE

The Marriage Contract

What Marriage Is Not

 

IV. TYPES OF MARRIAGE

Why Not Shack Up?

Reasons People Shack Up

Commitment

The Two-Step Marriage

 

V. PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGES

What To Do When A Couple Disagrees

What To Do If One Harms The Other Repeatedly

What To Do If A Couple Is Not Getting Along

 

VI. WHY MARRIAGES FALL APART

 

VII. OTHER RELATED TOPICS

How To Meet The Right Person

Legal Aspects Of Marriage

Religion And Marriage

The Soul And Marriage

Stages Of Marriage

Divorce

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I. INTRODUCTION

 

This article presents what may sound like an old-fashioned perspective on marriage.  We urge you to consider it carefully.  Our view is that marriage is the bedrock of society, and any deviation from it tends to tear society apart.

 

Difficulties defining marriage.  Definitions of marriage vary today for several reasons:

1. Changes in society.  There are attempts today to alter the traditional definition of marriage.  Some believe that marriage should be whatever one wishes it to be.  If one wishes to marry two people, a person of the same sex, or one’s dog, it is all fine. 

2. All-inclusive.  Marriage is so all-inclusive, with soul, religious, cultural, sexual, legal, financial, moral, and community aspects, that writing down a simple definition is quite hard to do.

3. Deceit.  Today, some people wish to destroy the sacred institution of marriage because they know it is the bedrock of society.  They intentionally confuse the definition to mislead the mass of the people, particularly in the Western nations of the world.

 

Definition.  In this article, we will define marriage as a living arrangement between two of the opposite sex only, in which the two people share most everything in their lives.  This includes their bodies, their bed, their time, and often their work and more.

Contracts and licenses.  From the perspective of this website, marriage does not require a government license.  In fact, we do not think the government should be involved in marriages at all.  America did not have marriage licenses until about 160 years ago because it was not part of the British common law.

Obtaining a marriage license brings the government into the marriage in ways that may be harmful.  For example, if one decides not to vaccinate one’s children or to use natural healing methods instead of standard drug therapy, the government may be able to take away the children more easily if there is a marriage license.

We do think marriage requires a contract between the two participants.  This is discussed later in this article and in more detail in the article entitled The Marriage Contract

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WHY DOES IT WORK?

 

1. It is much safer for the woman to do everything with her man rather than alone, including work with him and always travel around with him.

2. It reduces the temptation for affairs and flirting because:

a. the partners are rarely alone.

b. there is a lot of communication, so it is harder for others to separate you mentally or emotionally.

c. you come to know each other very well.  Then, if a threat or temptation arises, the other partner knows it quickly and early, and can come to the others’ rescue.

3. It is a very profound and rich relationship.  This is not true of many marriages.  Boredom and superficiality are enemies of marriage and cause breakups and affairs. 

It is not for everyone because some people don’t want such as intimate and intense marriage, but if you are one of those that want it, it will fulfill this need.

4. It has other unusual qualities and possibilities that other marriages do not offer.  For example, the couple shares the healing of illnesses.  The strength of one partner’s body speeds up the healing of the body of the other.  This may sound scary, but, in fact, it is like having a friend go through your pain with you.  Your friend takes on some of your ailment, which eases it quite a bit and speeds up your healing.

Development.  An amazing aspect of this marriage is that if one partner develops (as Development is defined on this website), the other partner will also develop - with very little or no effort.  This is extremely unusual.  It is most helpful, especially for women who usually develop more slowly than men today.

In addition, development proceeds extremely rapidly, provided the couple does not have too much regular sex.  Down Sex with your partner is excellent and speeds the process of development even more.

 

RELATED TOPICS

 

A life of its own.  As with some other marriages, this type takes on a life of its own.  It seems to have its own agendas, and its own path with all its twists and turns.  This is disturbing for some couples who want to remain in full control of their relationship.

However, to maintain the marriage, one must remain flexible and realize that a marriage of this kind is a separate creature that two have created, and it will go through its own growth and changes.

 

Sexual temptations.  The worst problem with this marriage is the temptation to overdo sex since you are with your lover all day and all night.  The couple must work out a schedule or the marriage deteriorates into a sort of mini-sexual orgy in which the couple wants to stop and at least kiss all day long, for example.

While there is no problem with kissing, it easily leads to regular sex and this will slow development.  So the couple must make a pact that kissing, hugging and more will be limited to about once a day – usually in the morning upon awakening.

Separate beds.  The couple can share one bed, or have separate beds, that are usually pushed up against one another.  Either way can work in this marriage.  Separate beds gives more privacy, less sexual temptation, and somewhat better rest because you are not awakened as much by your partner getting up to use the bathroom or for other reasons.

Sleeping in the same bed offers more intimacy, faster development and is a little less work making one bed, not two.

 

Opening the central channel.  The central channel or conception vessel is an energy channel that runs down the front of the body along the midline and up the back along the midline.

When it is open, marriage becomes easier because each person becomes more centered in himself or herself, less affected by the other person, and therefore able to interact together with less projection and less disturbance.  This occurs at about Stage 2 of development, so it generally requires a development program of the type offered through this website.

 

I. THE PURPOSES OF MARRIAGE

 

Marriage has at least seven purposes that correspond to the 7 system discussed in a number of articles on this website:

1. Survival.  Marriage is the best way to assure safety, especially for women.  Actually, both men and women are safer in a committed marriage than they are living alone or even with a roommate, according to police statistics.

Only within a framework of safety can most women really blossom and develop deeply.  Thus, this is a very important basis and rationale for marriage.

2. Procreation. Raising children is a primary need for any society.  It proceeds best with two adults who are in a stable, long-term, committed relationship.  Other ways of raising children do not work as well.  This is another vital reason for marriage.

3. Political and economic reasons.  Marriage is the most basic political and economic structure of most societies.  This is why any weakening of the institution of marriage such as recognizing homosexual unions as equal to heterosexual marriage always threaten the stability of a society.

4. Social reasons.  Men and women enjoy each other’s company for fun, pleasure, and companionship.  Most enjoy eating, sleeping, recreating and other human activities more when they are with a person of the opposite sex.

Marriage is by far the safest, cleanest and usually the most satisfying way to fulfill these simple human needs.

5. Teamwork or creative reasons.  Two can marry for the purpose of working together in a business or in some other creative effort such as running a foundation, perhaps.  Men and women often bring somewhat different perspectives and talents to their work that complement and enhance it.

6. A wisdom marriage.  Two can come together in marriage to teach and learn together.  This is also a wonderful type of marriage arrangement. 

For example, the two may be teaching partners or scientific experimenters together.  Loving each other and living together enhances their ability to gather knowledge and wisdom and pass it on to the world.

7. Build an etheric body.  A good marriage creates a new etheric energy field or “energy body”.  This requires more explanation.

Whenever two are in a relationship, especially an intimate relationship, an energy field develops near the two that is the result of the relationship.  It is a separate entity that is made of energy contributed by each partner.

This energy field can interact with the energy fields of other individuals or other couples in interesting ways.  For example, if a person is suffering with an illness, by contacting “the couple”, the person can receive more help than if he or she contacts just the husband or just the wife.

 

III. THE REQUIREMENTS FOR MARRIAGE

 

1. Survival.  Both parties must want the marriage.  If it is forced, as it is in some cultures, then it is not a marriage.  It is a rape or something else, but not a marriage, no matter what they call it.

Both parties must agree to all the terms.  If they do not, it is not a marriage, no matter what they call it.  The main terms of a marriage are:

- Sexual fidelity.  “Open marriage”, from this perspective, is not a real marriage.

- Financial responsibility.

- Taking responsibility for the care of the children, if the marriage produces children.

- Willingness to communicate regularly, honestly and lovingly.

- Willing to go the extra mile or go out of one’s way for your partner.  This is a sign of love and if it is not occurring, then little love is present and the marriage is not likely to succeed.

There are others, but these are the most important.

Marriage is not harming the other person intentionally, ever.  This is very important.  I am not speaking of most “domestic violence”.  That is the extreme - where one person beats or rapes another.

I am speaking of the way that many husbands and wives treat each other on a daily basis, often, in ways that are disrespectful, demeaning, cruel, thoughtless, sick and unloving.  That covers a lot!

Having said this, it is possible to harm another accidentally, at times.  One must be ready to apologize immediately, sincerely and totally.  There is no other way to handle it, even if it was purely accidental.  If either person does not do this, it is not a marriage.

 

2. Sexuality.  This is part of most marriages.  However, it not required if it is what is called a marriage of friends. 

There can be no forced sex.  Sexual relations must be mutually agreed upon each time.  If one person does not want any sex, then it is best that they split up.

 

3. Power and control.  Marriage has obligations, but there can be no forced tasks or other forcing.  Marriage is a partnership, not a slave relationship.  If there are forced tasks or forced roles, then it is not truly a marriage, even if it looks like one. 

For example, one of the obligations of marriage is to care for the children.  However, if neither parent wishes to change the dirty diapers, then the issue must be decided together with compromises or other means of resolving the disagreement (see the section below, What To Do If A Couple Disagrees).

Marriage with forcing is very common.  It is excused in a hundred ways as “religious tradition”, “necessary for survival”, or something else.  None of these excuses matters - it is not a marriage.  In a marriage, one works it out with the other person and that is all.  If it cannot be worked out, they should split up because it means they are not truly in love.

There can be no criticism that is biting and cruel.  If there is, it is not a marriage because this is quite destructive of a person.

 

4. Social level.  There must be trust between the partners.  If there is little trust, then it is not a marriage.  This is unfortunately very common. 

The woman may think the man is dreaming about other women, or even cheating on the side after work.  The man may think the woman is cheating while he is away at work, or at least she is having an online affair with someone via the internet.  This always undermines a marriage.

 

5. Teamwork. The couple must work together on the marriage to make it work and keep it going.

 

6. Learning.  The couple needs to keep learning about each other and going deeper in their understanding and appreciation of each other.

 

7. Spiritual.  Marriage is ideally a spiritual arrangement, and not just a physical one.  This just means that the marriage ideally will involve the spiritual life of the partners, not just the physical life.

 

THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT

 

We recommend a marriage contract.  It is not a legally binding contract such as one gets when one buys a home or even buys a television set.  However, a contract can help one understand what to expect and how each is thinking about the marriage. This is its purpose.

Elements of the contract.  There are at least six areas that should be discussed and agreed upon before you marry:

 

1. Lifestyle, food and sex. What do we want from life? Where are we going?  What are our goals as a couple?  Whom will we vote for in the elections? Where should we live?

What kind of food are we going to eat together?  Who will cook?

How often will we plan to have sex?  What will we do if a problem develops in this part of our relationship?

 

2. Children.  Do we want them?  How many?  When?  What sex, if we can control it? How will we raise them?  Who will be in charge if we disagree about them? 

Perhaps there will also be other questions about them, such as whether to bring them up in a religion, and which one, and how much money to spend on them, and what if the child is defective and needs a lot of care, and so on.

 

3. Control and decision-making.  How will we make decisions as a couple?  Will we consult each other on all matters, or just some items, and which ones?  If we disagree, how will we settle disagreements? (See the section below on this subject).

 

4. Family and friends.  Who may have friends over to the house?  How many? How often? Do we have shared friends only? Do we go off with our friends alone without each other? Do we have friends of the opposite sex?  Do we flirt with anyone?  Do we have friends over for the night or just for the day?  Who decides if one wants a friend over, and the other does not? and more.

Family questions are:  How often do we see our family of origin?  How often do we speak on the phone, or on the computer? How often do we visit them? Do we always visit together? Do we stay over at their home or at a hotel? Do we bring gifts at all visits? Do we require gifts or other compensation if others stay at our home? And more.

 

5. Work and creative activity.  Who will provide our money?  How much?  How often will it be shared?  How will it be shared?  How much will be saved?  Where and how will it be saved?  Who will retire first?  and maybe other questions.

 

6. Communication.  How are we going to stay in touch about the progress of our marriage, so that problems are not ignored or overlooked.

I suggest that every couple agree to talk without interruptions for at least 15 minutes every day about any issues or problems that have arisen in the marriage.  This is most important.  Some couples are naturally better at this than others, but setting up a time for talking daily is very helpful for any marriage.

For example, it could be done upon awakening in the morning, or perhaps at a meal you eat together.

 

7. Spirituality.  Will we do spiritual practices at home, and will we do them alone or together?  Will we attend religious services, and if so, where? 

Following a nutritional balancing program together comes under this heading because development is a spiritual adventure and accomplishment.

 

Every couple should discuss and write down the answers to these questions.  If you ignore this, there is much more chance your marriage will end prematurely due to misunderstanding.  Doing this as a pre-marital exercise may even help you finally decide it this is the right person to plan to spend you life with.

 

WHAT IS NOT MARRIAGE?

 

Shack-up.  Marriage is not the same as just living together.  We know that many people think that living together first is advisable.  However, we do not believe this.  We think it is not stable enough, particularly for the woman, it spreads disease, it can lead to unwanted children, and is not ideal.

 

Having sex.  This is also definitely not marriage, although some men tell women we just had sex – maybe a rape – and so we are married.  Ladies, it is a trick to get you to say yes to spending your life with someone with whom you don’t want to spend it.

 

Homosexuality.  We do not consider this marriage, though many will disagree.  Energetically, it is not the same and it is not as protective for women.  It is also statistically not as good for raising children.

 

Hurting one another.  This is not marriage, no matter what it is called such as “just joking”.  Unfortunately, hurting the other is quite common, as discussed above.

 

IV. TYPES OF MARRIAGE

 

WHY NOT SHACK UP?

 

It does not work well, in many cases, for the following reasons:

 

1. Having sex with a person binds you to that person, even if he or she is not really your ideal mate.

2. Having sex with a person binds you to that person, even if he or she is not really your ideal mate.

I write this twice because it is very powerful, especially for women.  Once a woman undresses and bears her energy field to a man, she is wed to him, at a certain level.

The rapists know this well.  They call it “attaching” the woman to themselves and to sex, in general.  It is the plan, ladies.  Do sex and you are hooked.  It is the plan of the promiscuous society.

3. Shack-up is not the same commitment as marriage.  More about this is in the section below.

4. Shack-up has no legal consequences.  This usually harms the woman, but it could harm a man.  We do not recommend a marriage license, but it does carry certain legal protections.

5. Shack-up usually causes multiple diseases.  This is because fidelity is not stressed enough in the implied shack-up contract,  Too often, the man or even the woman think they can “fool around” because, after all, they are not married so it is not adultery.  But it is adultery because shack-up is a type of minor marriage.

 

REASONS PEOPLE SHACK UP

 

These include for convenience, peer pressure, due to a threat or ultimatum, more fun and sex, someone to cook the meals or protect me, someone to keep me warm every night, and so on.

These are all decent reasons, but none are good enough to shack up.  It just does not work well.  The answer may be the two-step marriage described below.

 

COMMITMENT

 

Whatever you commit to, you will achieve.  This is a deep spiritual principle.  It sounds easy.  The problem is that often we are not aware of our true commitments.

For example, a couple may say they want to marry.  This expresses a commitment.  However, they may not be aware that they have other commitments.

For example, they may be committed to the idea that it is okay to have sex with other people.  They may be committed to the idea that they need not share finances, or even share much time with their husband or wife.

Due to these commitments, the marriage does not last and they do not understand why.  However, I just explained it – other commitments.

In summary, if something does not work out - be it your marriage, your education, your job or anything - it is because you have other commitments.

Before marrying, try to look at ALL your commitments.  If they are not identical with the nine points at the beginning of this article, then you are not committed to marriage and should skip it.  Another option is to shack up or do the first step of the two step marriage idea and then see if your commitment to real marriage grows over time.

 

V. PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGE

 

WHAT TO DO WHEN A COUPLE DISAGREES

 

This will come up, so don’t skip this section.  It is a difficult topic to talk about.  Here are some answers:

 

The sexual order.  This is an esoteric answer that has to do with certain differences between men and women.  The rule, according to this teaching, is that women are often smarter than men.  However, that does not necessarily translate into better decisions.  The belief is that the man should make the final decision after listening to the advice of his wife.

The reasons for this method of handling disagreement in a man-woman relationship are in the article entitled The Sexual Order.

 

Go with the expert.  Another method to decide an issue when there is disagreement is to allow the partner who is more knowledgeable make the final decision. 

For example, let us say one’s wife is a financial expert and very good at her work.  It might make  sense for her to make the big financial decisions for the family.

 

Follow convention.  For example, in some European cultures, the women handle the money.  This seems to work well.  Money is often about the home.  In this culture, women are in charge of matters to do with the home. 

Therefore, if the couple is to buy a new house, she may make the final decision because it is a home decision. 

 

Prayer.  Another method by which a couple may be able to resolve their disagreements is through prayer.  They must sit or lie down together.  Then they must pray fervently and together for guidance, support and healing.  This is powerful.

It will attract the attention of more ancient beings who may be able to help them solve their problem.  This solution can be applied to any type of disagreement, crisis or simply worry in a relationship.

 

WHAT TO DO IF ONE PARTNER HARMS THE OTHER REPEATEDLY

 

What should a couple do if one person continues to speak badly about the other, or harms the other repeatedly in any manner?

This is not always simple to resolve.  At times, it is due to trauma and this is almost always a deep wounding of a person that takes time, lots of love and often a nutritional balancing program to resolve.

In the meantime, the person must put up with the “abuse”, or one must choose to end the marriage.

Another cause for this problem is laziness or just a bad habit.  In this case, the other person must remind the person many times.  if no change occurs, usually the other does not care much for the person and it is best to end the marriage.

Still another cause for abusive words or behavior is projection.  This is where a person falsely imagines that his or her spouse is “Just like the father or mother I hate”, for example.  So the person reacts with cruelty and hatred toward the other person.

This psychological problem is extremely common.  It slowly goes away in a good marriage as reality sets in.  It requires patience on the part of the other, along with gentle reminders to help the other person focus on this issue.  The pushing down exercise is also very helpful and perhaps essential to resolve this issue.

 

WHAT TO DO ABOUT SERIOUS PROBLEMS IN GETTING ALONG WITH ONE’S PARTNER?

 

This occurs in some marriages.  Options couples can choose are:

1. See a secular counselor to help clarify the issues and hopefully resolve them.

2. See a religious or spiritually-trained counselor.

3. Try to work them out by yourselves, perhaps with the help of their families, friends or others.

4. Abandon the marriage.

5. Put up with the difficulties and remain in the marriage.

 

Of these options, leaving the marriage is usually not the best first response.  It is almost always worth exploring the other option because many couples do not communicate well.  (See blow for more on the topic of communication.)

 

VI. WHY MARRIAGES FALL APART

 

The big four reasons marriages fall apart are:

 

1. Communication deficit or poor quality communication.

2. Financial disagreements.

3. Sexual disagreements.

4. The stages in a marriage.

5. Boredom

6. Lack of honoring and respect

 

The sections below discuss these problems and what to do about them.

 

COMMUNICATION DEFICIT

 

              Marriages often terminate when they need not end because the couple is not communicating well.  Always remember this. 

            The best way to handle this in almost all cases is for the couple to set aside time, preferably on a daily basis, and at least on a weekly basis, to talk about the marriage and any issues, problems or comments they may have to share.

            There are several requirements for this communication time:

1. No interruptions.  Phones need to be shut off.  Children need to be cared for by someone else, or communication must be done when the children are not present.

            Also, there cannot be other distractions such as timers going off on the stove, music playing, the television set on, or anything else.  This is most important.

2. Peaceful talk, also called non-violent communication.  The communication must be done lovingly.  This must be learned, in most cases.  For details, read Nonviolent Communication on this website.

3. Brief.  Due to time constraints and as a courtesy to your partner, comments and issues need to be presented quickly and succinctly.  In other words, this is not a “sound-off” session where each lectures the other on what is wrong for an hour each.

The entire session should not take more than 15 to 20 minutes.  If it does, then either the couple is not communicating clearly and simply, or there are deeper issues and they should schedule a time when they have an hour or more to discuss the problem.

In some cases, they may need a whole day.  In this case, they will need to hire a baby sitter and even take time off work, if needed, and spend the time to get to the bottom of things.  They may want to hire a counselor to be present as a referee and mediator, as well.

 

FINANCIAL DISAGREEMENTS

 

These cause problems mostly because finances were not discussed beforehand and the partners have different ideas about how money should be handled.  So the solution is to always discuss how we will handle money before getting married.

If you failed to do this before you got married, and are still married, you probably have worked it out between you.  If not, this is the time to discuss it honestly and openly.  Don’t wait, as this problem tends to become worse with time if it is not addressed.

 

SEXUAL DISAGREEMENTS

 

This often means that one person wants more sex and the other wants less sex.  At times, it means that one person wants sex to be over fast, while the other wants to linger and enjoy the intimacy and togetherness.  One person may want sex to be fun and silly, while the other is quite serious about it.

At times, sex is used as a weapon by one person to get something he or she wants,  It could also be about something else.  For example, one partner may want a certain kind of sex that the other does not want to offer.  One partner may want to have sex with someone outside of the marriage. (This is never a good idea!)  Rarely, one partner is abusing the other sexually.

The answer to these issues is usually counseling by a professional.  The reason is that the couple may need perspective in order to compromise and reach an agreement.

 

STAGES OF A MARRIAGE

 

All marriages go through distinct stages.  These are important to know about because during transitions is when problems often arise.  Here are the stages:

 

1. Beginning.  This is usually a time of infatuation and romance.  Problems between the partners are usually overlooked during this “honeymoon” stage.

2. Reality.  This occurs usually six months to one year into a marriage.  It occurs when the couple settles down into a routine and the infatuation and romance wears off a little.  It is not a pleasant time, in some marriages. 

If the couple is well-matched, then it passes easily.  If they are not well-matched, then it is the time when problems surface such as different goals, different desires concerning lifestyle, sex, travel, finances and other issues.

3. Birth of children.  This is a test of the marriage.  If the couple is compatible, it goes well.  If there are differences, especially about the treatment of children, things can become rough when children enter the marriage.

4. The midlife crisis.  This occurs when either partner reaches about the age of 42 to 45.  The midlife is related to the 7 cycle of life.  It tends to bring up issues that have not been resolved earlier in life.  This can be hard on a marriage.  It is when a number of divorces occur

If a couple is well-matched, this is not a problem.  If they are not as well-matched, the midlife is a difficult time for both partners.  They must make decisions as to whether the marriage is worth continuing.  If, however, they can get past the midlife time, some of the problems will go away.  This is a secret of handling midlife issues.

4. The Saturn returns.  The Saturn returns are related to the 7 cycle of life.  The first occurs about age 28-30.  The second occurs at age 56-60.  This is another difficult time for some marriages.  In particular, the second one is often related to relationships.

 

BOREDOM AND HAVING FUN

 

Marriages require some fun.  Otherwise, the partners tend to become bored with each other and with the marriage.

The reason for this is that marriage can be difficult, requiring compromises and adjustments, often on a constant basis.  If there is not some fun involved, one or both partners may decide the compromises are not worth the trouble.

              Fun in a marriage.  Areas that are “naturals” are:

1. Playing sexually, such as bathing together, or other sex play.  This is wonderful for all couples.  Don’t stop just because you are getting older and are not as beautiful as you were formerly.

2. Having children can provide endless fun.  This is a big commitment, but often adds lots of life to a marriage and to the world.

3. Taking vacations or going on outings of any kind together.  These are also wonderful for any marriage.  Be sure to plan them together, and talk about how they went to improve upon them next time.

I strongly suggest that all couples plan and do all of these together.

 

LACK OF HONORING AND RESPECT

 

This is a killer of any relationship, especially a marriage.  Please watch out for it.  If it begins to occur, discuss it seriously with your partner.  If it occurs accidentally, which often happens, apologize immediately for any statement or action that was misinterpreted as dishonoring or disrespectful.  This is critical for a marriage!

If dishonoring or disrespectful behavior continues, the marriage is probably over.  It is no longer a marriage even if the two live together.

 

VII. OTHER ISSUES

 

HOW TO MEET THE RIGHT PERSON FOR MARRIAGE

 

            Common methods of meeting a prospective partner include chance meetings at work or elsewhere, dating services, blind dates set up by friends, and online matchmaking.  All of these can work.

 

            Warning about online dating services.  These used to be very safe for women.  This is less true today.  The major online dating services have been infiltrated by predators, and it is difficult to find them so they can be weeded out.

 

The “fix-up”.  This is a sort-of modern version of an arranged marriage.  The safe way to do this is for a person who knows the man and the woman to invite both over for dinner, for example. 

The two get a chance to meet and talk in a safe and controlled environment.  Hopefully they exchange phone numbers or email addresses, and then it is up to them to continue the relationship.

This works well if the matchmaker knows both people well and has a good sense of judgment.  In fact, consider yourself lucky if a parent or someone else you know wants to fix you up with someone by having both of you over for dinner, for example.  At worst you will get a free dinner.

The blind date.  Another way it can work is that a woman agrees to give her phone number to a man via a third party who knows them both.  Then the man usually calls her and they talk.  If they like each other they go on a blind date.

This is definitely less safe for women.  If you are invited out on a blind date, please 1) talk on the phone a number of times first (see the section below on the Questions.), 2) for the first few meetings, meet at a public place such as a café or coffee shop, do not leave with the boy, and do not get in his car.

 

            The questions.  Whenever you meet someone and are considering dating this person with intent to marry, you must ask five special questions.  Ask them in person or on the phone before you go out on a date.  Do not be shy about this!!!!

The answers will tell you which of three categories the person falls into.  Ask the questions exactly as stated here:

            1. Do you believe in sex before marriage?

2. Do you believe in multiple sex partners at the same time?

3. Do you believe men and women need to marry?

4. Do you believe in men and women sleeping together in a casual way?

5. Do you believe in men and women having sex outside of marriage?

 

The people who are safe to marry only answer yes to question 3.  People who might be okay, but usually not, answer yes to questions 1 and 3.

Stay away from anyone who answers yes to questions 2, 4 and/or 5.  These people are players or whores.

 

Arranged marriages.  This is an ancient method in which usually the parents of a young man and a young woman decide for the young people who to marry.  This method is still used among some religious groups, primarily.  I mention it because, if done properly, it is not a bad method of meeting a suitable partner.

The problem with all the other methods of meeting a mate is that one’s judgment is often skewed by factors such as appearance, tone of the voice, and other rather superficial qualities.

This factor is eliminated in an arranged marriage.  If done well, it is also the safest for women, which is also important.  A problem is that it is not acceptable to most young people today.  This is unfortunate, so if someone offers to help you this way, do not just reject it.

Important requirements for an arranged marriage are:

1. The people doing the arranging need to be mature and wise.  This is not always easy to find.  The parents of the prospective couple are among the best.

2. It must not be forced.  In other words, the couple needs to meet and court for a time.  If they are not satisfied with the match, then the process needs to start over.

3. If one person is not interested and the other is interested, then usually it will not work out.  However, they could continue courting or dating for another month or two to see if the situation changes.

 

Marriages between friends.  These are often the best marriages.  They occur when two friends change the nature of their friendship and decide they will spend their lives together in a marriage.

These occur all the time.  For example, a man and a woman are thrown together at work, and spend a lot of time together.  One day one of them suddenly says “I love you.  Let’s get married.”  If the other is open to it, it can work well.

Other times, friends are those who are in a church group or other organization together.  Other times, friends are in a civic or political organization together.

Advantages of a friendship marriage are:

1.  The couple usually shares some talents, interests, lifestyle or values, and these have been tested before they become romantically involved.

2. The couple knows each other already.  This saves time during the courtship.

3. It is safer for women because they are with someone they usually already trust.  This also saves time during the courtship.

4. A woman can ask a man for marriage without feeling strange or embarrassed.  Otherwise, this rarely occurs.

 

A very simple formula for finding the right person is:

 

1. You (pleural) must agree on your religion.  This need not be a mainstream or mainline organized religion, but you must agree on what you believe.

2. You must agree on what you both like and dislike.  This includes foods, personality types, actual people, locations, children or no children, types of work, and more.

3. You must agree on what you both value.  This has to do with money, a home, children, friends, family, work or career, philosophy, clubs or associations.

 

The more you agree on all the above, the more likely your marriage will work.

 

Red flags.  These are:

1. Not agreeing on many of the three areas above.  This is a big red flag, no matter how much you like the person otherwise.  The reason is that the three areas above are your future, and the relationship has to last into the future to survive and thrive.

2. Not liking the other person for some other reason.  This can be conscious or at a soul level.  In other words, you may or may not understand it.

3. Not wanting to get married.  This may seem silly, but it is not.  Marriage has a sacred meaning that souls understand.  If you like a person, but don’t want to be married to him or her, the soul may not be interested in the other person for some reason.  The reason could be simple incompatibility, or it could be a hidden or esoteric reason.

For example, the soul of one of the people may have decided to have a very short life full of illness, or perhaps to have a serious accident that would end life early.  The other person’s soul may decide that this is not what he or she wants, which might have to do with being a caretaker, for example.

Some compromises often have to be made between the souls.  However, in some cases, compromise does not work.  So the desire or lack of desire for marriage is a good indicator of compatibility.  So always pay attention to it.

The opposite situation can arise, but is less common.  In this case, a person is afraid of marriage even though the soul wants it.  One could be afraid of marriage because a partner from the past died, leaving one heartbroken.  Another possible reason is that one knows one will need to break certain bad habits if one stays with this person. 

One should always ask why one does not want to marry, if that is the case.  Often, in the silence of prayer, you will get the answer.

4. If those close to you who know you well do not think this is the right person.  This one is tricky because sometimes someone close to you wants to sabotage a good relationship unconsciously out of jealousy or some other reason.  However, at times, the person sees things you do not see.

For more details, read Dating.

 

LAW AND MARRIAGE

 

Nations often have laws in regard to marriage.  The reason is mostly to protect women and children.  For example, in America property that belongs to the man or woman must be divided equally if there is a divorce, in some states.  In other states, there are different rules.

Also, most nations have laws in regard to children.  For example, children of a marriage belong to the parents.  This may sound obvious, but it is an important law for deciding what the child will eat, what he or she will wear, and more.

 

Rights and obligations.  Most nations also have written rules for couples that consists of their rights in a marriage, and their obligations to each other, to their children, and to society.

For example, marriage usually gives the partners exclusive sexual rights to each other’s bodies.  Another example is that getting married usually means that the couple is obligated to behave responsibly to each other, and to take care of their children.

The idea of rights and obligations is very important because it formalizes their relationship.  In contrast, when two people shack up, there are no rights and obligations set down in the secular or religious laws of the nation.  This is important to know. 

It is tempting to say, “I prefer to make my own rules rather than play by someone else’s rules.”  However, there are good reasons for the rights and obligations of marriage.  Making up your own rights and obligations, in almost all cases, does not work as well.  So beware of this difference between a marriage and shacking up.

 

RELIGION AND MARRIAGE

 

            Most religions such as Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism and many others have rules regarding marriage.  This is because in many nations marriage is primarily a religious act or ritual.

For example, the rules may include when the couple can have sex, how they must behave toward one another, how they must treat their children, and more.

 

THE SOUL AND MARRIAGE

 

The souls of people love marriages.  The reason is that marriage is a practice run for living with one’s twin soul, and later living with other souls as a composite soul.  Other articles discuss these important topics in detail: Twin Souls and Composite Souls.

 

DIVORCE

 

Marriage that ends before the termination of life is called divorce.  It is the dissolution of the marriage contract by one or the other parties to the contract.  It is not recommended, but at times it will occur, and should be fine for both partners.

If one partner does not want marriage any longer, then he or she files for divorce to end the relationship in a definite and legal way.  One need not have gone outside the relationship for sex, or done something else in violation of the contract for it to end in divorce.

 

 

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