by Dr.
Lawrence Wilson
© March 2017, L.D. Wilson
Consultants, Inc.
All
information in this article is for educational purposes only. It is not for the diagnosis, treatment,
prescription or cure of any disease or health condition.
Contents
I. INTRODUCTION
II. PRINCIPLES
III. THE FOUR STEPS
V. OTHER TOPICS
___________________
I. INTRODUCTION
Communication is a basic human activity. It involves touching a deep place
within that we share. It is a
process of coming into perfect communion with another, or with a group of
others. It is indeed a valuable
skill that must be learned, in most cases.
Difficulty communicating causes frustration, fear,
relationship problems, childhood difficulties, violence and war, in most cases.
Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist, has developed a
simple, yet powerful method to help this problem. He calls it Nonviolent Communication or NVC.
NVC
can save marriages, help parents raise their children, and help schools and all
other institutions function better.
It can even stop rapes and murders by shifting the attackerÕs focus away
from anger. NVC practice groups
now exist in some American cities and around the world.
This article explores Dr. RosenbergÕs method. It is certainly valuable. I truly enjoyed his book and learned a
lot about things such as subtle judgment words: should, ought, must, abused,
neglected and more.
II. PRINCIPLES OF NVC
1. Deep communication is possible between people because
we are all similar in our basic needs and desires.
2. A key to excellent communication is to live and to
communicate from the higher physical
energy centers. This requires
some explanation.
There are seven physical energy centers on every human
being. These are discussed in
other articles on this website. If
one lives from the three lower energy centers, one essentially is selfish and
competes with all others for food, shelter, attention, power, control and love.
However, if one can shift and live from the upper centers
– four through seven – one is much less concerned just with
survival, and more able to communicate and connect with others to resolve
differences and disagreements.
3. NVC teaches people how to:
A. Remain in communication.
B. Avoid dropping down from higher
level communication to lower level communication.
C. Take responsibility for our own
feelings, words and actions. This means
do not project them or attribute your feelings to others.
D. Do not take responsibility for the feelings of others. This is another trap that one must
avoid. If someone is upset with
you, or with anything, it is an attribute of that person, and it is not about
you, necessarily.
Excellent communication techniques help keep us talking
from the higher energy center levels.
Poor communication methods tend to stop communication altogether, or
drop it down into the lower centers or survival centers, where we tend to
compete rather than cooperate to solve our problems.
III. THE FOUR STEPS
OF ACTION
STEP 1. OBSERVE THE
SITUATION WITHOUT EVALUATING OR JUDGING
The process begins by observing what is actually occurring
in a situation, but not judging anyone or anything. The trick is to observe without introducing any judgment or
evaluation. This is often difficult!
For example, let us say a small child refuses to clean up
his room. Rather than react, the
first step is to stop for a moment and observe without judging. This is much tougher than one might
imagine. To just blurt out,
"Your room is a mess", is a judgment. A pure observation might be: "There are five
pieces of clothing on the floor and nine toys are scattered around the
roomÓ. This is not an evaluation,
but just an observation.
Judgments include statements like
"heÕs a slob", or calling someone mean,
messy, needy, stupid, lazy, inconsiderate, racist, sexist, selfish, or
inappropriate. These words are
basically about making another ÔwrongÕ or ÔbadÕ in some way. They are about blame, insults,
put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons or assessments.
Other, more subtle judgment words include the words always, never, ever, whenever, often,
frequently, and seldom, when used loosely or to exaggerate. For example, "His room is often
messy", confuses observation with evaluation. A pure observation is without comparison to the past.
If you want to refer to the past, you could say, ÒThe room
was messy three other timesÓ or you could say Òmany other timesÓ. But adding the ÒalwaysÓ or ÒusuallyÓ
word is vague often just adds a subtle judgment quality to the pure observation.
Learning to just observe without much evaluation or
judgment is very difficult for most people. In fact, it is one of the hardest steps in this
process. Most people are
accustomed to moving from seeing or observing to evaluating, comparing and
judging very quickly.
Learning to just observe a situation means slowing down
and looking at the entire scene or process much more carefully. One must not be in too much of a hurry
in order to accomplish this.
For example, if someone stabs someone on the street corner
and you observe it, you must observe the entire process, not just the
stabbing. Who spoke first, what
was said, were gestures made, did someone punch the other one, and so on. What happened after the stabbing, and
so on.
Once you have formulated a non-judgmental observation, you
are ready for the second step in the process.
STEP 2. IDENTIFY A
FEELING
Having observed, the next step is to identify a feeling
inside of you that is related to the observation. Feelings are always related to your body, and never involve others.
Once again, this is often not easy to do.
Many people are not in touch with their real feelings at
all. Some even pretend they have
no feelings. Learning to feel
feelings and being able to say or express what they are is a chore in
itself.
In the example of the childÕs room, the parent may feel frustrated, upset, sad, lonely,
depressed or even despairing at the condition of the
room. A parent might also feel fear or anger that the child will grow
up very sloppy, or that bugs or other vermin are hiding among the mess, for
example. The parent could feel anger because the parent does not want
to deal with the problem because it is not enjoyable and perhaps the parent has
to go to work. The parent could
feel angry because he or she does not want to clean up the mess himself or
herself.
Many people confuse feelings with subtle judgments. In the example above, the parent might have said something
like "I feel abused, abandoned,
violated, attacked, betrayed,
misunderstood, cheated, guilty, insulted, used, bothered, disappointed,
neglected, or ripped off".
These seem like feelings, but they are not. They are judgments, because they
involve another person or a situation doing something to oneself. A
huge problem in communication is to avoid using these words when describing
your feelings!
Taking Responsibility For
Feelings. Incidents like the childÕs clothes all
over the floor may set the stage for
feelings, but they do not cause
feelings. Although some will deny
this point, one always has a choice how one will feel.
For example, upon observing the mess of toys on the floor,
the parent could say ÒI am so grateful my child at least lives at home and
plays at home, not in a dangerous schoolyardÓ. The parent might also have said, ÒI can see my child is very
intelligent by all the toys that are on the floorÓ. The parent could have said, ÒI see how bright my child is
the way he can arrange all the toys on the floorÓ, and so on.
In other words, one could look at the messy room and still
feel mainly gratitude, instead of upset.
One could feel other things, such as pride in how intelligent the child
is, or shame about how sloppy the child is. Any feelings are possible, in other words, and the situation
itself is not the cause of the feeling, but just a trigger or incident that is
neutral by itself, until the parent gives it a value or judges it in some
way. This is a critical point
about our reality.
Even a rape or a robbery that might seem horrendous could
have an outcome or consequence that is positive. This happens more often than one thinks. So the essential point is to learn to
1) observe the situation without judging, and then 2) identify a feeling
inside, but not to judge anyone and do not think the situation caused the feeling
in you, but rather that because of your perception, you have simply chosen to
react in a particular manner.
Subtle ways that we deny responsibility for feelings
include speech patterns such as "It bugs me when ..." or "That
bothers me", ÒIt makes me angry whenÓ. These phrases imply or actually state that responsibility
for your feelings lie outside of yourself. A better statement is that ÒWhen I saw your room so
messy, I started to feel angryÓ.
Here, one may at least be taking some responsibility for the feeling of
anger, and not simply blaming the child for causing
oneÕs feelings.
Another subtle denial of responsibility for oneÕs feelings
is a statement like "I felt angry when I saw your messy room.Ó Again, this sort of implies that
another is responsible for oneÕs feeling.
Instead, one could say "When I saw your messy room, I chose to
respond with anger because I want the house to look neat and cleanÓ. I realize that the difference in the
wording is subtle, but it can be important.
By the way, people often are in the habit of blaming
feelings and actions on anything imaginable such as dark forces, a disease or
condition, authorities, group pressure, policies and rules, gender or age
roles, or impulses. "I did it because I had to", "because they
made me", or "because it is our policy or rule". Denying responsibility for oneÕs
actions and feelings denies oneÕs power and sovereignty, makes one the victim,
and subtly blames others for oneÕs dilemmas.
Assuming responsibility for
othersÕ feelings. This is another trap. It can seem like caring, but it is not!
This is a huge source of conflict in relationships.
An example of assuming responsibility for anotherÕs
feelings is to say, "IÕm sorry I made you mad". A much better statement is "When I
see how mad you are, I feel sad because I want a connection with you".
In other words, each of us always chooses and is
responsible for his or her own feelings.
Strictly speaking, you cannot make another person mad, or sad or even
happy, despite what you may have heard or learned from others. You can do what you will, and the other
person then chooses the feeling they wish to have. Many people have learned this the hard way, that you cannot
make others happy. You can only do
what you do, and others will choose their responses or their feelings.
Once you have identified a feeling about the situation
that is not related to others, you are ready to identify a human need or desire
about the situation.
STEP 3. IDENTIFY YOUR
NEED OR DESIRE
The third step, after making a pure observation and
properly identifying a feeling inside yourself, is to identify your need in this situation. This is also tricky.
A need is always about oneself, not about another.
Also, a need, as defined here, is always a basic human quality such as a need for protection, love, caring, warmth, autonomy, respect,
nurturing, intellectual stimulation, or play. These may be called psychic or basic needs.
To understand this better, in the example of the childÕs
room, the parentÕs need may be for respect
or for cleanliness (protection from
germs). In contrast, however, if
the parent says my need in this situation is "That you clean up your room", the parent is not
in touch with his or her needs. To
clean up a room is not a deep human need.
It is actually a request or a demand for action by another, in this
case. So it is not about the
parent himself or herself, but about another, and it is not a basic desire or
psychic need.
This is a very difficult area for most people. We all have needs, or what we believe
are our needs. We all want to be
loved, respected, honored, obeyed (with children), nurtured, pleasured, stroked
or at least acknowledged. These
may be called the basic human needs.
Inability to clearly state our
needs. Children are good at announcing their
needs, though they may not be able to articulate them exactly. They cry or scream, for example. They hold up their little hands if they
want to be held or hugged. This,
at least, gets the message across.
As we grow up, it would be excellent if we were to learn
how to articulate our actual psychic needs. One might say, I am really looking for security, or I feel
the need for acknowledgment or love, or something else.
However, many of us not only did not learn how to articulate
our deep needs. We learned it is
not okay to express our needs at all.
Indeed, many people learn their needs are not important, and perhaps
that no one cares about them anyway.
However, remembering this aspect of our selfhood and
our humanity is most important for connecting with others in deep ways. Basic physical, emotional and mental or
psychic needs are one of the ways to bring people together, as we all have
them, to varying degrees.
Getting in touch with our needs and expressing them is
also the only way, in many cases, to have our deep needs met by others. The alternative is to just wait around
and hope that others will figure out our needs. This is what many people do, in fact, in their
relationships, marriages, etc. work settings, etc. It does not work well at all! Many people seek a Òmind readerÓ to keep them happy because
they do not even know what they need or want, and depending upon others to
figure out and satisfy our needs is an easy way out, but one that rarely works.
Three stages of recovery. Dr. Rosenthal states that many
people pass through three stages of recovery as they get in touch with their
needs. In the first stage, one
feels like a slave, unable to express oneÕs needs, and often feeling responsible
for otherÕs needs. For example, in
this stage one may be in the habit of saying "I have to leave now because my children (or my
friends, or my parents) expect me to come home".
In the second stage, one rebels and may act
obnoxious. One may be prone
to statements like, "IÕm not responsible for you". ÒI do my thing and you do yoursÓ.
The third stage is one of maturity and liberation. One takes responsibility for oneÕs
feelings and needs, but not those of others. This represents healthy boundaries. One chooses to respond out of
compassion, but never out of guilt, fear or shame. One can state needs clearly and be concerned with the needs
of others. "I choose to go here, but not there, because I want to".
Choosing your feelings. Upon hearing a statement by another, one has four options:
1) blame the other for the feeling, 2) blame oneself, 3) sense oneÕs own needs
and feelings, or 4) sense the othersÕ needs and feelings. The latter two are
compassionate communication responses.
STEP 4. FORMULATING A
REQUEST
The fourth step in the NVC process is to formulate a
request based on oneÕs observations, feelings and needs. A parent might make this request:
"I am feeling frustrated because I have a need to protect you from illness
caused by germs. Would you be
willing to clean up your room?"
Here are some tips about formulating requests.
1. It is best to phrase requests
positively.
"Would you be willing to clean up your room?" is better than
"Would you be willing to stop making a mess?"
2. Make the request as specific as
possible, as in
"Would you be willing to hang your clothes in the closet and take your
pillow off the floor?" This
tends to be better than ÒWould you be willing to clean up the room?Ó
3. Always speak kindly, but firmly
and clearly, without unnecessary emotion such as sarcasm. For example, it would not be helpful to say ÒI am so
sick of your mess, will you get going and clean it up for once?Ó
Requests Versus Demands. A request is very different from a demand, but the two are
often confused. The difference is
that a request is voluntary, without threats.
Demands force the other person to submit or
rebel, which stops communication.
A subtle form of demand
occurs if the person blames, judges, or lays a guilt trip if the request
is not complied with. For example,
ÒYou had better clean up your roomÓ is a veiled threat and is effectively a
demand because it implies negative consequences if one does not go along..
It is only a request if the one
making the request can accept either a yes or no answer. If, when asked to clean up, the child says "no"
and the parent says "You never do what I tell you!", then it was a
demand.
It was a request if the parent can answer, "I see
that you prefer to play rather than clean up right now. I am disappointed because I was hoping
you would want to cooperate. Would
you be willing to do it after you play?"
The goal is an honest, empathy-based relationship, not
just compliance!
Words that indicate a subtle
demand. The words should, ought, must, or have to are often demands. For example, a parent might say,
"The room should be cleaned up". This is a subtle demand, rather than a request.
A reflective request. An excellent type of request is to ask for reflection. This is especially helpful if one is
not sure one was heard and understood.
For example, one could say "Would you tell me what you heard me
say?" This is a request for
empathy and for clarification only.
It is not to be confused with sarcasm, as in screaming at the other,
"Did you hear me?"
These are the basic steps in the book, Non-Violent
Communication.
AN EXTRA STEP OR
STEP 5. OBTAIN FEEDBACK ON EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE SO FAR
This is not part of Dr. RosenbergÕs basic 4-step
communication system, although he certainly suggests it. This is a key because sometimes you are
not in touch with your own feelings or those of the other person at a deep
enough level. So it is always wise
to say to the other ÒHow are we doing with this conversation?Ó, or ÒAm I on the
right track with this conversation?Ó or ÒTime out. How are we doing resolving this issue?Ó
You may be surprised at the answer you receive. Few people ask for feedback, and so
people are often taken off guard and appreciate being asked for feedback.
You can even do this with young children. You can say to your five-year-old
child, ÒWell, how am I doing in getting you to clean up your room?Ó You might be surprised when the child
blurts out that you were doing okay until you got angry, or until you said the
room is always messy when that is not true. You may learn how to communicate much better as a result.
WAYS TO STOP
COMMUNICATION
The following is not in Dr. RosenbergÕs book, but is
implied or discussed peripherally.
Ways that people stop communication are:
1. Judging. Judging makes a person feel badly. Judging also has a quality of finality about it, as though
one knows everything about the person or situation, which is never the
case. Therefore, judgment is a
powerful enemy of communication.
However, the qualities of discernment and evaluation,
which are different than judgment, are needed at all times. They do not, of themselves, stop
communication.
2. Attempting to force others to
feel, think or act the way one wishes. The
reason is that it is no longer a conversation. It is Ògiving ordersÓ, which is an unequal relationship and
quite unpleasant.
Ways people try to force others to agree with them or go
along include demands, threats and punishments.
Even if the attempt is successful, it often backfires, so that the person
goes along from resentment, not from a desire to help or love.
3. Discussing from any of the
lower levels – the first, second or third physical energy centers. The reason is that one has left the higher levels of being
(levels four through seven) where we are less selfish, and from where we can
more easily draw agreement and peace.
For example, becoming too intellectual is moving your
focus down to the third energy center.
Becoming angry is moving your focus down to the second energy
center. A physical attack such as hitting
the person is moving to the first energy center.
4. Breaking away from the other
person. Ways people do this are becoming
silent, breaking off eye contact, or walking away.
5. Saying certain words, phrases
or sentences. In some cases, the reason is just
the sound of the word.
For example, the commands, ÒStopÓ, ÒHaltÓ, Òlook outÓ, and
others can end communication. Many
of these words or phrases end with T.
This sound has a finality about it that is not helpful for
communication. For more discussion on this subject, read The Ancient Hebrew Alphabet on this website.
In other cases, certain utterances just tend to draw the
conversation to a close. For
example, a strong negative reaction will do this. It is so strong that the other person is shocked and wonÕt
know how to respond.
For instance, in a delicate negotiation between Arabs and
Israelis, a shock statement of this type would be if the Israeli suddenly said,
ÒI really cannot trust anyone of Arab descent.Ó
6. Redirecting to the other
person. This occurs when one tries to accuse,
place responsibility or place blame with the other person. Even if it is true, it tends to end
communication.
For example, during a conversation, if the other makes a
statement that is negative, the first person might say, ÒYes, but it is your
fault.Ó
7. Harshness. Harshness puts the other person on the defensive. This tends to end communication.
8. Distracting the other person. This is a very important way to end communication. There are many ways to do this. A common one is to change the
subject. Others are looking away,
such as looking out the window, or staring at the person with a strange look on
your face.
At times, these direct the other personÕs attention to the
lower part of the body or the lower energy centers. For example, a woman may make a sexual move or gesture such
as playing with her hair or adjusting a skirt or a strap. For some men, this redirects their
attention away from her head and toward her midsection. This, in turn, stimulates his
midsection and the conversation shifts.
Many other distractions just break the intensity of the
conversation and interfere with any connection that has occurred between the
two people.
9. Deliberately attempting to
confuse the other person. This is done, at times,
to try to win the argument instead of taking the time to win through logic and
reason. However, it usually does
not work if the other person realizes it is a ploy. The other person will then become angry, lose trust, and the
entire communication will fall apart.
Confusion can occur accidentally, and this happens all the
time. When it does, one must stop
and clarify the point. However,
this is a minor problem compared to a deliberate attempt to confuse and thus
manipulate another.
10. Lying. Lying during communication is deliberate sabotage. It takes one back down into the lower
energy centers, and it is violent in some ways. It is confusing and deceptive, which means it leads a person
down a false path.
It is dreadful for real communication. It is a common problem in man-woman
relationships, business relationships, and other negotiations such as between
nations. It stops communication
like nothing else does because it can break trust, or it ÒworksÓ and leads to
outcomes that donÕt last when the truth comes out.
11. Gesturing in certain ways. Gestures that stop communication
including folding the arms, crossing the legs, rolling the eyes, shaking the
head, moving the head back, or making faces.
12. Physical violence. This includes grabbing or hitting the other person, or
worse. It immediately puts the
other person on the defensive and usually stops all further communication.
OTHER REQUIREMENTS
OF NVC
1. One needs to listen well to the speech and gestures of the
other persons.
2. One needs to understand the point of view of the other
as deeply as possible.
3. One needs to have a certain degree of empathy for the
other.
OTHER TOPICS RELATED TO
NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION - EMPATHY
Psychologist Carl Rogers wrote: "When someone really
hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to take
responsibility for you, and without trying to mold you, it feels damn
good." Listening to others is
Ôsaying a lotÕ.
Empathy is central in NVC. The key ingredient for empathy,
according to Marshall Rosenberg, is presence. It involves being in the present moment and in the body. It is a non-judgmental state in which
one observes oneself and notes as well what the other person is observing,
feeling, needing and requesting.
This is not easy most of the time!
One needs empathy to give empathy.
This can come from a spiritual source within, or from living with
empathetic others, but is not so easy to just learn on oneÕs own.
Empathy is unfamiliar to many people. Empathy is not the same as sympathy, which
is feeling what another person is feeling. Empathy is something else. For example, let us review what empathy is NOT.
What Empathy is Not. When someone speaks, instead of simply empathizing, one may:
offer advice, educate, console,
story-tell, sympathize, interrogate, explain, correct, reassure or explain a
position or feeling.
Just jumping in after someone speaks is likely to be a
knee-jerk reaction to make the other person feel better by offering somehow to
"fix" the situation.
This is a common response, but is often not empathy!
Women often complain that men do this to them, rather than
just listening attentively. This
may have something to do with how women prefer to communicate, in contrast to
how men communicate.
EMPATHY PRACTICE
Empathy demands the following order of actions:
1. First simply be present. This means to say nothing and to listen carefully and fully,
not formulating any response.
2. Respond first by paraphrasing
or repeating the essence of what you heard: "What I just heard you say isÉ.".
If you can, express what you believe you heard in terms of
what you sense the other is observing,
feeling, needing and requesting.
3. Then ask the person if it is
okay to respond.
4. If you ask for more information,
first express your own needs and feelings. For
example, you might say, "I am feeling confused by your statement. Can you tell me more about what
happened".
5. Reflecting back
emotionally-charged messages is especially powerful. This can diffuse anger and could
save your life. It may seem
time-consuming, but in practice it saves time and energy by avoiding
misunderstanding and expressing patience, kindness, presence and empathetic
behavior.
For example, if someone screams at you that you are killing
them by not listening to them, instead of taking offense, try to stay calm and
repeat back to them something like ÒI sense you are very angry at me about what
I didÓ. If the person continues to
scream at you, just continue to answer in the same way. This can diffuse a very tense and even
dangerous situation, according to Dr. Rosenberg.
Just stay with empathy until there is a release of
tension, or until the end of the flow of the personÕs words. Dr. RosenbergÕs phrase is: DonÕt put
your ÔbutÕ in the face of an angry person. Just empathize.
This includes empathy for a person saying "no" and empathy for
silence (no answer).
One woman who attended a workshop with Dr. Rosenberg was
alone on duty the next day at a homeless shelter. A man came in asking for a bed. When she told him they were full, he pulled a knife and in
no time he was sitting on her chest with the knife at her throat. She decided this was a good time to
practice her NVC. She kept
expressing what she thought he was feeling - afraid, upset, disappointed, and
frustrated. Each time she did so,
the man softened a little.
Finally, he calmed down and she was able to drive him to another
shelter.
THE DESIRE AND
INTENTION FOR COMMUNICATION
This
is so critical, and is not dealt with too much by Dr. Rosenberg, in my limited
experience. In fact, some people
are not too interested in communicating deeply. I would say they do not love you enough. They just want what they want. Children sometimes do this. They just want their toy or their
food. They do not want to discuss
the matter very much, or learn about communicating. If you do not comply with their request, they will just
irritate you until you do comply, or until you wear them out.
The
same takes place in every other situation, even international politics. The Palestinians, for example, are not
too interested in a deep discussion about Israel. They want the Israelis out, and that is all.
The
lack of desire for deep communication is one of the main stumbling blocks,
since without desire and intention, little else will take place. Always keep this in mind if you are not
succeeding with communication.
Perhaps the other party simply does not desire much communication, no
matter what they say.
COMMUNICATION AS
LOVE
A
deep form of love is to be willing to communicate. This may not sound like much, but it is. For this reason, if a person you are
with does not wish to communicate deeply and learn how to do it, they may not
love you as much as they say they do.
BLOCKS TO EXCELLENT
COMMUNICATION
I
have mentioned a few of these. One
must desire communication, and one must sustain the intent to communicate. One must also have some skill, or be
willing to learn communication skills, such as those suggested in this article.
One
must also stay in the present, and stay focused with communication. Another important block is lack of
time. How can two communicate if
the time is not allotted for this activity?
Another
block is an inability to think logically, or to hear properly.
A
more subtle and important problem in communication is discussed in detail
below. It is the presence of often
hidden traumas in the psyche that interfere with and can completely block
effective communication.
THE PROBLEM OF
HIDDEN TRAUMAS
To return to the example used throughout this article, let
us say the child whose room is messy was traumatized in the past by a stern
parent who beat the child or screamed at the child whenever his room needed
cleaning.
Such a child may encounter serious difficulty each time
his parent wants his room to be cleaned up. The child may become rebellious, or may simply shut his ears
and try not to hear, or the child may impulsively start to cry, or some other
response besides simply listening and responding. This is a simple example of how a past trauma, whether it is
consciously known or not, can ruin or impair communication.
In fact, most people have been traumatized at some time or
another, often in very subtle ways.
Later in their lives, they wonder why some types of communication,
perhaps with the opposite sex, or with the boss, or with the government, or
another type, is so difficult for them.
This is the reason.
This is an enormous topic. I want to explain it energetically to help simplify it. It is as though communication between
two people is one frequency or vibration.
An old hidden trauma is like another vibratory frequency that mixes with
the first one. The result is a
mixture, or null effect, or amplification, or distortion of the original
frequency or vibration that disrupts it, or may completely inhibit it.
Dealing with trauma is discussed in other articles on this
website and in the text, Nutritional Balancing And Hair Mineral
Analysis (2010 edition).
HUMOR, RELAXATION
AND COMMUNICATION
Leaders, parents, teachers, advertisers, preachers, and
others whose livelihood, success or just happiness depends upon communication
know that if you can relax a person, you may have more success with
communication.
This is often a key with children, for example. Humor, silliness, jokes, and so on help
people relax and can Òbreak the iceÓ to help move communication forward.
TIMING AND CONTEXT
IN COMMUNICATION
This is another factor in successful communication, at
times. For example, many parents
know they should not make requests of their children when the child is
overtired, or angry, or rushing out the door. Instead, it is best to wait for a quiet moment, or maybe
during the childÕs favorite mealtime snack or even while the child is watching
his favorite television program.
Then communication may be far easier because the child is relaxed and
happy.
The same principle applies to all communication. Wait for the right time, if
possible. Also, wait for the right
context. A parent I know says she
does best communicating with her teenage daughter when they are in the car,
just the two of them. The reason
is that the daughter is relaxed, away from her friends and her computer, and
the two are locked up together, so to speak, which tends to favor some types of
communication.
NUTRITIONAL
BALANCING SCIENCE AND COMMUNICATION
This website recommends a very specific type of
nutritional and lifestyle healing program called nutritional
balancing science. Among the
many benefits of this particular method is often an improvement in
communication ability. The reasons
for this include:
1. Abundant energy. Many people are simply exhausted,
and have difficulty with communication for this reason. Nutritional balancing focuses on
restoring a personÕs energy and vitality at the deepest levels. The importance of energy for
communication and all human activities cannot be overemphasized. Here are a few reasons to improve your
vitality and energy:
- One is more able to take risks,
which communication often requires.
- One is more able to think
clearly. Thinking requires plenty
of energy.
- One is more able to stand up for
what one believes. This is also
important for honest communication.
-
Energy often brings much better self-esteem and self-confidence that is vital
for communication.
- People with energy are generally
more positive, outgoing and interested in others.
- It requires energy to feel
feelings deeply, even to feel how uncomfortable or depressed one is
feeling. This may sound odd, but I
have observed it in myself and many other clients over and over again. Without enough energy, one just shuts
down or takes the easy way out.
This is even a cause for suicidal thoughts in some cases.
- People admire energy. In the world of business, it is
sometimes said that Òpeople buy energyÓ.
This assists self-esteem, but also helps both parties to engage in real
communication based on mutual appreciation.
2. Reducing mental/emotional
symptoms helps communication. Some people cannot think clearly. They suffer from Ôbrain fogÕ,
distractibility, ADD, ADHD, anxieties, depression, and other mental/emotional
symptoms that seriously get in the way of excellent communication. Most of these will lessen or disappear
with a nutritional balancing program that improves overall body chemistry and
removes hundreds of toxins from the brain.
3. Removing other imbalances. Some people are unbalanced in
other, more subtle ways. They have
an unbalanced oxidation rate, unbalanced minerals and mineral ratios and
patterns, they have infections that affect the brain, and more. Many people report to me that as
their health improves, they are mysteriously better at listening to others, and
other aspects of communication.
4. Releasing deeper hidden
traumas. Interestingly,
a properly designed nutritional balancing program may be able to undo some deep
hidden traumas. These can be
either physical or mental/emotional ones.
This is a unique ability of this program. It stems from increasing a personÕs vitality to a sufficient
degree. Then the body suddenly
begins to process the trauma on its own.
It will also make other therapies much more effective, such as
counseling and others.
ROY MASTERS
MEDITATION AND COMMUNICATION
Part of nutritional balancing science that can be
particularly helpful for communicating is the daily practice of a type of meditation exercise originally taught by Mr. Roy
Masters. This exercise only, when
done daily, can do much for anyone to improve communication ability and
effectiveness. Read the article on
meditation for more details.
COMMUNICATION VERSUS
PROPAGANDA
Unfortunately, the material in this article can be and is
used daily by advertisers, politicians, parents and many others to coerce,
manipulate and inculcate certain ideas into the minds of unsuspecting
people.
One may say that the ability to communicate is one of the
most powerful weapons of war, in fact.
This science is called propaganda.
This can be defined as the use of communication skills to manipulate and
control others. for dark or evil
purposes in this way.
I mention this because one must always be on guard against
the Ògood communicatorsÓ, which include the likes of Adolf Hitler, Joseph
Stalin, Mao Tse Tung and other very effective and murderous dictators who used
communication effectively to control and manipulate millions of people, often
causing their deaths.
Thus communication skill can be used for any purpose. At least, knowing about it you can use
it well, and hopefully you will see when others are using it against you, not
for you.
CONCLUSION
There is more in Marshall RosenbergÕs book and tapes about
expressing anger, receiving empathy, expressing appreciation, the proper use of
force and punishment. OneÕs
intention to really connect is very important in NVC. Otherwise, the best-chosen words and phrases will be
hollow. Vigilance and practice are
also most important, especially until old habits have been undone.
Remember the four steps: 1) observe the situation without
judging or evaluating, 2) identify a feeling in oneself, 3) identify oneÕs
psychic or deep human need, and 4) formulate a request.
Resources
1.
Rosenberg, M., Nonviolent Communication,
A Language of Compassion, PuddleDancer Press, Del Mar, CA 1999. For books, tapes, workbooks, seminars
and workshops, call 1-800-255-7696 or visit www.cnvc.org.
2. Catherine Cooley, at 805-252-6406
(California, USA), offers personal instruction in NVC. I have never used her services, so
please use your judgment and give us feedback about her if you contact her.
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