ALL ABOUT MARRIAGE
by Dr. Lawrence Wilson
© June 2018, LD Wilson Consultants,
Inc.
Contents
I. INTRODUCTION
Definitions
II. THE PURPOSES OF MARRIAGE
Survival
Procreation
Political And Economic
Reasons
Social Reasons
Teamwork Or Creative
Reasons
Wisdom Marriage
To Build An Etheric body
Development
III. REQUIREMENTS FOR MARRIAGE
The Marriage Contract
What Marriage Is Not
IV. TYPES OF MARRIAGE
Why Not Shack Up?
Reasons People Shack Up
Commitment
The Two-Step Marriage
V. PROBLEMS IN MARRIAGES
What To Do When A
Couple Disagrees
What To Do If One Harms
The Other Repeatedly
What To Do If A Couple
Is Not Getting Along
VI. WHY MARRIAGES FALL APART
VII. OTHER RELATED TOPICS
How To Meet The Right
Person
Legal Aspects Of
Marriage
Religion And Marriage
The Soul And Marriage
Stages Of Marriage
Divorce
________________________
I. INTRODUCTION
This article presents
what may sound like an old-fashioned perspective on marriage. We urge you to consider it
carefully. Our view is that
marriage is the bedrock of society, and any deviation from it tends to tear
society apart.
Difficulties defining marriage. Definitions of marriage vary today for
several reasons:
1. Changes
in society. There are
attempts today to alter the traditional definition of marriage. Some believe that marriage should be
whatever one wishes it to be. If
one wishes to marry two people, a person of the same sex, or oneÕs dog, it is all fine.
2. All-inclusive. Marriage is so all-inclusive, with
soul, religious, cultural, sexual, legal, financial, moral, and community aspects, that writing down a simple definition is quite hard
to do.
3. Deceit. Today, some people wish to destroy the
sacred institution of marriage because they know it is the bedrock of
society. They intentionally
confuse the definition to mislead the mass of the people, particularly in the
Western nations of the world.
Definition. In this article, we will define marriage
as a living arrangement between two of the opposite sex only, in which the two
people share most everything in their lives. This includes their bodies, their bed, their time, and often
their work and more.
Contracts and licenses. From the perspective of this website,
marriage does not require a government license. In fact, we do not think the government should be involved
in marriages at all. America did
not have marriage licenses until about 160 years ago because it was not part of
the British common law.
Obtaining a marriage
license brings the government into the marriage in ways that may be
harmful. For example, if one
decides not to vaccinate oneÕs children or to use natural healing methods
instead of standard drug therapy, the government may be able to take away the
children more easily if there is a marriage license.
We do think marriage
requires a contract between the two participants. This is discussed later in this article
and in more detail in the article entitled The
Marriage Contract
.
WHY DOES IT WORK?
1. It is much safer for the woman to do everything
with her man rather than alone, including work with him and always travel
around with him.
2. It reduces the temptation for affairs and flirting
because:
a. the partners are rarely
alone.
b. there is a lot of
communication, so it is harder for others to separate you mentally or
emotionally.
c. you come to know each
other very well. Then, if a threat
or temptation arises, the other partner knows it quickly and early, and can
come to the othersÕ rescue.
3. It is a very profound and rich relationship. This is not true of many
marriages. Boredom and
superficiality are enemies of marriage and cause breakups and affairs.
It is not for everyone because some people donÕt want
such as intimate and intense marriage, but if you are one of those that want
it, it will fulfill this need.
4. It has other unusual qualities and possibilities
that other marriages do not offer.
For example, the couple shares the healing of illnesses. The strength of one partnerÕs body
speeds up the healing of the body of the other. This may sound scary, but, in fact, it is like having a
friend go through your pain with you.
Your friend takes on some of your ailment, which eases it quite a bit
and speeds up your healing.
Development. An amazing aspect of this
marriage is that if one partner develops (as Development is defined on this website),
the other partner will also develop - with very little or no effort. This is extremely unusual. It is most helpful, especially for women
who usually develop more slowly than men today.
In addition, development proceeds extremely rapidly,
provided the couple does not have too much regular sex. Down Sex with your partner is excellent
and speeds the process of development even more.
RELATED TOPICS
A life of its own. As with some other marriages,
this type takes on a life of its own.
It seems to have its own agendas, and its own path with all its twists
and turns. This is disturbing for
some couples who want to remain in full control of their relationship.
However, to
maintain the marriage, one must remain flexible and realize that a marriage of
this kind is a separate creature that two have created, and it will go through
its own growth and changes.
Sexual temptations. The worst problem with this
marriage is the temptation to overdo sex since you are with your lover all day
and all night. The couple must
work out a schedule or the marriage deteriorates into a sort of mini-sexual
orgy in which the couple wants to stop and at least kiss all day long, for
example.
While there
is no problem with kissing, it easily leads to regular sex and this will slow
development. So the couple must
make a pact that kissing, hugging and more will be limited to about once a day
– usually in the morning upon awakening.
Separate beds. The couple can share one bed, or have
separate beds, that are usually pushed up against one
another. Either way can work in
this marriage. Separate beds gives
more privacy, less sexual temptation, and somewhat better rest because you are
not awakened as much by your partner getting up to use the bathroom or for
other reasons.
Sleeping in
the same bed offers more intimacy, faster development and is a little less work
making one bed, not two.
Opening the central channel. The central channel or
conception vessel is an energy channel that runs down the front of the body
along the midline and up the back along the midline.
When it is
open, marriage becomes easier because each person becomes
more centered in himself or herself, less affected by the other person,
and therefore able to interact together with less projection and less
disturbance. This occurs at about
Stage 2 of development, so it generally requires a development program of the
type offered through this website.
I. THE PURPOSES
OF MARRIAGE
Marriage has
at least seven purposes that correspond to the 7 system discussed in a number
of articles on this website:
1. Survival. Marriage is the best way to
assure safety, especially for women.
Actually, both men and women are safer in a committed marriage than they
are living alone or even with a roommate, according to police statistics.
Only within a
framework of safety can most women really blossom and
develop deeply. Thus, this is a
very important basis and rationale for marriage.
2. Procreation. Raising children is a primary need for any society. It proceeds
best with two adults who are in a stable, long-term, committed
relationship. Other ways of
raising children do not work as well.
This is another vital reason for marriage.
3. Political and economic reasons. Marriage is the most basic
political and economic structure of most societies. This is why any weakening of the institution of marriage
such as recognizing homosexual unions as equal to heterosexual marriage always
threaten the stability of a society.
4. Social reasons. Men and women enjoy each
otherÕs company for fun, pleasure, and companionship. Most enjoy eating, sleeping, recreating and other human
activities more when they are with a person of the opposite sex.
Marriage is
by far the safest, cleanest and usually the most satisfying way to fulfill
these simple human needs.
5. Teamwork or creative reasons. Two can marry for the purpose of working together in a business or in some
other creative effort such as running a foundation, perhaps. Men and women often bring somewhat
different perspectives and talents to their work that complement and enhance
it.
6. A wisdom marriage. Two can come together in
marriage to teach and learn together.
This is also a wonderful type of marriage arrangement.
For example,
the two may be teaching partners or scientific experimenters together. Loving each other and living together
enhances their ability to gather knowledge and wisdom and pass it on to the
world.
7. Build an etheric body. A good marriage creates a
new etheric energy field or Òenergy bodyÓ. This requires more explanation.
Whenever two
are in a relationship, especially an intimate relationship, an energy field
develops near the two that is the result of the relationship. It is a separate
entity that is made of energy contributed by each partner.
This energy
field can interact with the energy fields of other individuals or other couples
in interesting ways. For example,
if a person is suffering with an illness, by contacting Òthe coupleÓ, the
person can receive more help than if he or she contacts just the husband or
just the wife.
III. THE
REQUIREMENTS FOR MARRIAGE
1. Survival. Both parties must want the marriage. If it is
forced, as it is in some cultures, then it is not a marriage. It is a rape or something else, but not
a marriage, no matter what they call it.
Both parties must agree to all the terms. If they do not, it is not a
marriage, no matter what they call it.
The main terms of a marriage are:
- Sexual fidelity.
ÒOpen marriageÓ, from this perspective, is not a real marriage.
- Financial responsibility.
- Taking responsibility for the care of the children, if the marriage
produces children.
- Willingness to communicate regularly, honestly and lovingly.
- Willing to
go the extra mile or go out of oneÕs way for your partner. This is a sign of love and if it is not
occurring, then little love is present and the marriage is not likely to
succeed.
There are
others, but these are the most important.
Marriage is not harming the other person intentionally,
ever. This is
very important. I am not speaking
of most Òdomestic violenceÓ. That
is the extreme - where one person beats or rapes another.
I am speaking
of the way that many husbands and wives treat each other on a daily basis,
often, in ways that are disrespectful, demeaning, cruel, thoughtless, sick and
unloving. That covers a lot!
Having said this, it is possible to harm
another accidentally, at times.
One must be ready to apologize immediately, sincerely and totally. There is no other way to handle it,
even if it was purely accidental.
If either person does not do this, it is not a marriage.
2. Sexuality. This is part of most marriages. However, it not required if it is what is called a marriage of friends.
There can be no forced sex. Sexual relations must be mutually agreed upon each time. If one person does not want any sex,
then it is best that they split up.
3. Power and
control. Marriage has obligations,
but there can be no forced tasks or other forcing. Marriage is a partnership,
not a slave relationship. If there
are forced tasks or forced roles, then it is not truly a marriage, even if it
looks like one.
For example, one of the obligations of marriage is to care
for the children. However, if
neither parent wishes to change the dirty diapers, then the issue must be
decided together with compromises or other means of resolving the disagreement
(see the section below, What To Do If A
Couple Disagrees).
Marriage with forcing is very common. It is excused
in a hundred ways as Òreligious traditionÓ, Ònecessary for survivalÓ, or
something else. None of these
excuses matters - it is not a marriage.
In a marriage, one works it out with the other person and that is
all. If it cannot
be worked out, they should split up because it means they are not truly
in love.
There can be no criticism that is
biting and cruel. If there is, it is not a marriage because this is quite
destructive of a person.
4. Social
level. There must
be trust between the partners. If there is little trust, then it is not a marriage. This is unfortunately very common.
The woman may think the man is dreaming about other women,
or even cheating on the side after work.
The man may think the woman is cheating while he is away at work, or at
least she is having an online affair with someone via the internet. This always undermines a marriage.
5. Teamwork. The couple
must work together on the marriage to make it work and keep it going.
6. Learning. The couple needs to keep learning about
each other and going deeper in their understanding and appreciation of each
other.
7.
Spiritual. Marriage is ideally a
spiritual arrangement, and not just a physical one. This just means that the
marriage ideally will involve the spiritual life of the partners, not just the
physical life.
THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT
We recommend a marriage contract. It is not a legally binding contract
such as one gets when one buys a home or even buys a television set. However, a contract can help one understand
what to expect and how each is thinking about the marriage. This is its purpose.
Elements of
the contract. There are at least six areas that should
be discussed and agreed upon before you marry:
1. Lifestyle,
food and sex. What do we want from life? Where are we going?
What are our goals as a couple?
Whom will we vote for in the elections? Where
should we live?
What kind of food are we going to eat together? Who will cook?
How often will we plan to have sex? What will we do if a problem develops
in this part of our relationship?
2. Children. Do we want them? How many? When? What sex, if we can control it? How
will we raise them? Who will be in
charge if we disagree about them?
Perhaps there will also be other questions about them, such
as whether to bring them up in a religion, and which one, and how much money to
spend on them, and what if the child is defective and needs a lot of care, and
so on.
3. Control and
decision-making. How will we make decisions as a couple? Will we consult each other on all
matters, or just some items, and which ones? If we disagree, how will we settle disagreements? (See the section below on this subject).
4. Family and
friends. Who may have friends over to the house? How many? How often?
Do we have shared friends only? Do we go off with our
friends alone without each other? Do we have friends
of the opposite sex? Do we flirt
with anyone? Do we have friends
over for the night or just for the day?
Who decides if one wants a friend over, and the other does not? and more.
Family questions are: How often do we see our family of origin? How often do we speak on the phone, or
on the computer? How often do we visit them? Do we always visit together? Do
we stay over at their home or at a hotel? Do we bring
gifts at all visits? Do we require gifts or other
compensation if others stay at our home? And more.
5. Work and
creative activity. Who will provide our money? How much? How
often will it be shared? How will it be shared? How much will be saved? Where and how will it
be saved? Who will retire
first? and
maybe other questions.
6.
Communication. How are we going to stay in touch about the progress of our
marriage, so that problems are not ignored or overlooked.
I suggest that every couple agree to talk without
interruptions for at least 15 minutes every day about any issues or problems
that have arisen in the marriage.
This is most important.
Some couples are naturally better at this than others,
but setting up a time for talking daily is very helpful for any marriage.
For example, it could be done
upon awakening in the morning, or perhaps at a meal you eat together.
7.
Spirituality. Will we do spiritual practices at home, and will we do them
alone or together? Will we attend
religious services, and if so, where?
Following a nutritional balancing program together comes
under this heading because development is a spiritual adventure and
accomplishment.
Every couple should discuss and write down the answers to
these questions. If you ignore
this, there is much more chance your marriage will end prematurely due to
misunderstanding. Doing this as a
pre-marital exercise may even help you finally decide it this is the right
person to plan to spend you life with.
WHAT IS NOT MARRIAGE?
Shack-up. Marriage is not the same as
just living together. We know that
many people think that living together first is advisable. However, we do not believe this. We think it is not stable enough,
particularly for the woman, it spreads disease, it can
lead to unwanted children, and is not ideal.
Having sex. This is also definitely not
marriage, although some men tell women we just had sex – maybe a rape
– and so we are married.
Ladies, it is a trick to get you to say yes to spending your life with
someone with whom you donÕt want to spend it.
Homosexuality. We do not consider this
marriage, though many will disagree.
Energetically, it is not the same and it is not as protective for
women. It is also statistically
not as good for raising children.
Hurting one
another. This is not marriage, no matter what it is
called such as Òjust jokingÓ.
Unfortunately, hurting the other is quite common, as discussed above.
IV. TYPES OF
MARRIAGE
WHY NOT SHACK UP?
It does not work well, in many cases, for the following
reasons:
1. Having sex with a person binds you
to that person, even if he or she is not really
your ideal mate.
2. Having sex with a person binds you
to that person, even if he or she is not really
your ideal mate.
I write this twice because it is very powerful, especially
for women. Once a woman undresses
and bears her energy field to a man, she is wed to
him, at a certain level.
The rapists know this well. They call it ÒattachingÓ the woman to themselves
and to sex, in general. It is the
plan, ladies. Do sex and you are
hooked. It is the plan of the
promiscuous society.
3. Shack-up is
not the same commitment as marriage. More about this is in the section
below.
4. Shack-up has
no legal consequences. This usually harms the woman, but it could harm a man. We do not recommend a marriage license,
but it does carry certain legal protections.
5. Shack-up
usually causes multiple diseases. This is because fidelity is not stressed
enough in the implied shack-up contract, Too often, the man or even the
woman think they can Òfool aroundÓ because, after all, they are not married so
it is not adultery. But it is adultery because shack-up is a type of minor
marriage.
REASONS PEOPLE SHACK UP
These include for convenience, peer pressure, due to a
threat or ultimatum, more fun and sex, someone to cook the meals or protect me,
someone to keep me warm every night, and so on.
These are all decent reasons, but none are good enough to
shack up. It just does not work
well. The answer may be the
two-step marriage described below.
COMMITMENT
Whatever you commit to, you will
achieve. This
is a deep spiritual principle. It sounds easy. The problem is that often we are not
aware of our true commitments.
For example, a couple may say they want to marry. This expresses a commitment. However, they may not be aware that
they have other commitments.
For example, they may be committed to the idea that it is
okay to have sex with other people.
They may be committed to the idea that they need not share finances, or
even share much time with their husband or wife.
Due to these commitments, the marriage does not last and
they do not understand why.
However, I just explained it – other commitments.
In summary, if something does not work out - be it your
marriage, your education, your job or anything - it is because you have other
commitments.
Before marrying, try to look at ALL your commitments. If they are not identical with the nine
points at the beginning of this article, then you are not committed to marriage
and should skip it. Another option
is to shack up or do the first step of the two step
marriage idea and then see if your commitment to real marriage grows over time.
V. PROBLEMS IN
MARRIAGE
WHAT TO DO WHEN A COUPLE DISAGREES
This will come up, so donÕt skip this section. It is a difficult topic to talk about. Here are some answers:
The sexual
order. This is an esoteric answer that has
to do with certain differences between men and women. The rule, according to this teaching, is that women are
often smarter than men. However, that does not necessarily translate into better
decisions. The belief is that the
man should make the final decision after listening to the advice of his wife.
The reasons for this method of handling disagreement in a
man-woman relationship are in the article entitled The
Sexual Order.
Go with the expert. Another method to decide an issue when
there is disagreement is to allow the partner who is more knowledgeable make
the final decision.
For example, let us say oneÕs wife is a financial expert
and very good at her work. It
might make sense
for her to make the big financial decisions for the family.
Follow convention. For example, in some European cultures,
the women handle the money. This
seems to work well. Money is often
about the home. In this culture,
women are in charge of matters to do with the home.
Therefore, if the couple is to buy a new house, she may
make the final decision because it is a home decision.
Prayer. Another method by which a
couple may be able to resolve their disagreements is through prayer. They must sit or lie down
together. Then they must pray
fervently and together for guidance, support and healing. This is powerful.
It will attract the attention of more ancient beings who may be able to help them solve their problem. This solution can be
applied to any type of disagreement, crisis or simply worry in a
relationship.
WHAT TO DO IF ONE PARTNER HARMS THE
OTHER REPEATEDLY
What should a couple do if one person continues to speak
badly about the other, or harms the other repeatedly in any manner?
This is not always simple to resolve. At times, it is due to trauma and this
is almost always a deep wounding of a person that
takes time, lots of love and often a nutritional balancing program to resolve.
In the meantime, the person must put up with the ÒabuseÓ,
or one must choose to end the marriage.
Another cause for this problem is laziness or just a bad
habit. In this case, the other
person must remind the person many times.
if no change occurs, usually the other does not
care much for the person and it is best to end the marriage.
Still another cause for abusive words or behavior is
projection. This is where a person
falsely imagines that his or her spouse is ÒJust like the father or mother I
hateÓ, for example. So the person reacts with cruelty and hatred toward the
other person.
This psychological problem is extremely common. It slowly goes away in a good marriage
as reality sets in. It requires patience
on the part of the other, along with gentle reminders to help the other person
focus on this issue. The pushing
down exercise is also very helpful and perhaps essential to resolve this issue.
WHAT TO DO ABOUT
SERIOUS PROBLEMS IN GETTING ALONG WITH ONEÕS PARTNER?
This occurs in some marriages. Options couples can choose are:
1. See a secular counselor to help clarify the issues and hopefully resolve them.
2. See a religious or spiritually-trained
counselor.
3. Try to work them out by yourselves, perhaps with the
help of their families, friends or others.
4. Abandon the marriage.
5. Put up with
the difficulties and remain in the marriage.
Of these options, leaving the marriage is usually not the
best first response. It is almost always worth exploring the other option because many
couples do not communicate well.
(See blow for more on the topic of communication.)
VI. WHY MARRIAGES
FALL APART
The big four reasons marriages fall apart are:
1. Communication deficit or poor
quality communication.
2. Financial disagreements.
3. Sexual disagreements.
4. The stages in a marriage.
5. Boredom
6. Lack of honoring and respect
The sections below discuss these problems and what to do
about them.
COMMUNICATION DEFICIT
Marriages often terminate when they need not end because the couple is
not communicating well. Always
remember this.
The
best way to handle this in almost all cases is for the couple to set aside
time, preferably on a daily basis, and at least on a weekly basis, to talk
about the marriage and any issues, problems or comments they may have to share.
There
are several requirements for this communication time:
1. No interruptions. Phones need to be shut off.
Children need to be cared for by someone else,
or communication must be done when the children are not present.
Also, there cannot be other distractions such as timers
going off on the stove, music playing, the television set on, or anything
else. This is most important.
2. Peaceful talk, also called non-violent
communication. The communication must be done
lovingly. This must
be learned, in most cases.
For details, read Nonviolent
Communication on this website.
3. Brief. Due to time constraints and
as a courtesy to your partner, comments and issues need to be
presented quickly and succinctly.
In other words, this is not a Òsound-offÓ session where each lectures
the other on what is wrong for an hour each.
The entire session should not take more than 15 to 20
minutes. If it does, then either the couple is not communicating clearly and simply, or there
are deeper issues and they should schedule a time when they have an hour
or more to discuss the problem.
In some cases, they may need a whole day. In this case, they will need to hire a
baby sitter and even take time off work, if needed, and spend the time to get to the bottom of things. They may want to hire a counselor to be present as a referee
and mediator, as well.
FINANCIAL
DISAGREEMENTS
These cause problems mostly because finances were not discussed beforehand and the partners have
different ideas about how money should be handled. So the solution is to always
discuss how we will handle money before getting married.
If you failed to do this before you got married, and
are still married, you probably have worked it out between you. If not, this is the time to discuss it
honestly and openly. DonÕt wait,
as this problem tends to become worse with time if it is not
addressed.
SEXUAL
DISAGREEMENTS
This often means that one person wants more sex and
the other wants less sex. At
times, it means that one person wants sex to be over fast, while the other
wants to linger and enjoy the intimacy and togetherness. One person may want sex to be fun and
silly, while the other is quite serious about it.
At times, sex is used as a weapon by one person to
get something he or she wants, It could also be about something else. For example, one partner may want a
certain kind of sex that the other does not want to offer. One partner may want to have sex with
someone outside of the marriage. (This is never a good
idea!) Rarely, one partner is
abusing the other sexually.
The answer to these issues is usually counseling by a
professional. The reason is that
the couple may need perspective in order to compromise and reach an agreement.
STAGES OF A
MARRIAGE
All marriages go through distinct stages. These are important to know about
because during transitions is when problems often arise. Here are the stages:
1. Beginning. This is usually a time of
infatuation and romance. Problems
between the partners are usually overlooked during
this ÒhoneymoonÓ stage.
2. Reality. This occurs usually six
months to one year into a marriage.
It occurs when the couple settles down into a routine and the infatuation
and romance wears off a little. It
is not a pleasant time, in some marriages.
If the couple is well-matched,
then it passes easily. If they are
not well-matched, then it is the time when problems
surface such as different goals, different desires concerning lifestyle, sex,
travel, finances and other issues.
3. Birth of
children. This is a test of the marriage. If the couple is compatible, it goes well. If there are differences, especially
about the treatment of children, things can become rough when children enter
the marriage.
4. The
midlife crisis. This occurs when either partner reaches about the age of 42
to 45. The midlife is related to the 7 cycle of life. It tends to bring up issues that have not
been resolved earlier in life.
This can be hard on a marriage.
It is when a number of divorces occur
If a couple is well-matched,
this is not a problem. If they are
not as well-matched, the midlife is a difficult time
for both partners. They must make
decisions as to whether the marriage is worth continuing. If, however, they can get past the
midlife time, some of the problems will go away. This is a secret of handling midlife issues.
4. The Saturn returns. The Saturn returns
are related to the 7 cycle of life. The first occurs about age 28-30. The second occurs at age 56-60. This is another difficult time for some
marriages. In particular, the
second one is often related to relationships.
BOREDOM AND
HAVING FUN
Marriages require some fun. Otherwise, the partners tend to become bored with each other
and with the marriage.
The reason for this is that marriage can be
difficult, requiring compromises and adjustments, often on a constant
basis. If there is not some fun
involved, one or both partners may decide the compromises are not worth the
trouble.
Fun in a marriage. Areas that are ÒnaturalsÓ are:
1. Playing sexually, such as bathing together, or other sex play. This is wonderful for all
couples. DonÕt stop just because
you are getting older and are not as beautiful as you were formerly.
2. Having children
can provide endless fun. This is a
big commitment, but often adds lots of life to a marriage and to the world.
3. Taking vacations or going on outings of any kind together. These are also wonderful for any
marriage. Be sure to plan them
together, and talk about how they went to improve upon them next time.
I strongly suggest that all couples plan and do all
of these together.
LACK OF HONORING
AND RESPECT
This is a killer of any relationship, especially a
marriage. Please watch out for
it. If it begins to occur, discuss
it seriously with your partner. If
it occurs accidentally, which often happens, apologize immediately for any statement
or action that was misinterpreted as dishonoring or
disrespectful. This is critical
for a marriage!
If dishonoring or disrespectful behavior continues,
the marriage is probably over. It
is no longer a marriage even if the two live together.
VII. OTHER ISSUES
HOW TO MEET THE
RIGHT PERSON FOR MARRIAGE
Common
methods of meeting a prospective partner include chance meetings at work or
elsewhere, dating services, blind dates set up by friends, and online
matchmaking. All of these can
work.
Warning about online dating
services. These used to
be very safe for women. This is
less true today. The major online dating services have been infiltrated by predators,
and it is difficult to find them so they can be weeded out.
The Òfix-upÓ. This is a sort-of modern
version of an arranged marriage.
The safe way to do this is for a person who knows the man and the woman
to invite both over for dinner, for example.
The two get a chance to meet and talk in a safe and
controlled environment. Hopefully they exchange phone numbers or email addresses,
and then it is up to them to continue the relationship.
This works well if the matchmaker knows both people
well and has a good sense of judgment.
In fact, consider yourself lucky if a parent or someone else you know
wants to fix you up with someone by having both of you over for dinner, for
example. At worst
you will get a free dinner.
The blind
date. Another
way it can work is that a woman agrees to give her phone number to a man via a
third party who knows them both.
Then the man usually calls her and they talk. If they like each other they go on
a blind date.
This is definitely less safe for women. If you
are invited out on a blind date, please 1) talk on the phone a number of times
first (see the section below on the Questions.), 2) for the first few meetings,
meet at a public place such as a cafŽ or coffee shop, do not leave with the
boy, and do not get in his car.
The questions. Whenever you meet
someone and are considering dating this person with intent to marry, you
must ask five special questions.
Ask them in person or on the phone before
you go out on a date. Do not be
shy about this!!!!
The answers will tell you which of three categories
the person falls into. Ask the questions exactly as stated here:
1.
Do you believe in sex before marriage?
2. Do you believe in multiple sex partners at the
same time?
3. Do you believe men and women need to marry?
4. Do you believe in men and women sleeping together
in a casual way?
5. Do you believe in men and women having sex outside
of marriage?
The people who are safe to marry only answer yes to
question 3.
People who might be okay, but usually not, answer yes to questions 1 and 3.
Stay away from anyone who answers yes to questions 2,
4 and/or 5. These people are
players or whores.
Arranged
marriages. This is an ancient method in which usually the parents of a
young man and a young woman decide for the young people who to marry. This method is still
used among some religious groups, primarily. I mention it because, if done properly, it is not a bad
method of meeting a suitable partner.
The problem with all the other
methods of meeting a mate is that oneÕs judgment is often
skewed by factors such as appearance, tone of the voice, and other
rather superficial qualities.
This factor is eliminated in
an arranged marriage. If done
well, it is also the safest for women, which is also important. A problem is that it is not acceptable
to most young people today. This
is unfortunate, so if someone offers to help you this
way, do not just reject it.
Important requirements for an arranged marriage are:
1. The people doing
the arranging need to be mature and wise.
This is not always easy to find.
The parents of the prospective couple are among the best.
2. It must not be forced.
In other words, the couple needs to meet and court for a time. If they are not satisfied with the
match, then the process needs to start over.
3. If one person is not interested and the other is interested, then
usually it will not work out.
However, they could continue courting or dating for another month or two
to see if the situation changes.
Marriages
between friends. These are often the best marriages. They occur when two friends change the
nature of their friendship and decide they will spend their lives together in a
marriage.
These occur all the time. For example, a man and a woman are thrown
together at work, and spend a lot of time together. One day one of them suddenly says
ÒI love you. LetÕs get
married.Ó If the other is open to
it, it can work well.
Other times, friends are those who are in a church
group or other organization together.
Other times, friends are in a civic or political organization together.
Advantages of a friendship marriage are:
1. The
couple usually shares some talents, interests, lifestyle or values, and these have been tested before they become romantically involved.
2. The couple knows each other already. This saves time during the courtship.
3. It is safer for women because they are with
someone they usually already trust.
This also saves time during the courtship.
4. A woman can ask a man for marriage without feeling
strange or embarrassed. Otherwise,
this rarely occurs.
A very simple formula for finding the
right person is:
1. You (pleural) must agree on your religion. This need not be a mainstream or
mainline organized religion, but you must agree on what you believe.
2. You must agree on what you both like and
dislike. This includes foods,
personality types, actual people, locations, children or no children, types of
work, and more.
3. You must agree on what you both value. This has to do with money, a home,
children, friends, family, work or career, philosophy, clubs or associations.
The more you agree on all the above, the more likely
your marriage will work.
Red flags. These are:
1. Not
agreeing on many of the three areas above. This is a big red flag,
no matter how much you like the person otherwise. The reason is that the three areas above are your future,
and the relationship has to last into the future to survive and thrive.
2. Not liking
the other person for some other reason. This can be conscious or at a soul
level. In other words, you may or
may not understand it.
3. Not
wanting to get married. This may seem silly, but it is not. Marriage has a sacred meaning that
souls understand. If you like a
person, but donÕt want to be married to him or her, the soul may
not be interested in the other person for some reason. The reason could be simple
incompatibility, or it could be a hidden or esoteric reason.
For example, the soul of one of the people may have decided
to have a very short life full of illness, or perhaps to have a serious
accident that would end life early.
The other personÕs soul may decide that this is not what he or she
wants, which might have to do with being a caretaker, for example.
Some compromises often have to be
made between the souls.
However, in some cases, compromise does not work. So the desire
or lack of desire for marriage is a good indicator of compatibility. So always pay
attention to it.
The opposite situation can arise, but is less
common. In this case, a person is
afraid of marriage even though the soul wants it. One could be afraid of marriage because a partner from the
past died, leaving one heartbroken.
Another possible reason is that one knows one will need to break certain
bad habits if one stays with this person.
One should always ask why one does not want to marry,
if that is the case. Often, in the
silence of prayer, you will get the answer.
4. If those close to you who know you
well do not think this is the right person. This one is tricky because sometimes
someone close to you wants to sabotage a good relationship unconsciously out of
jealousy or some other reason.
However, at times, the person sees things you do not see.
For more details, read Dating.
LAW AND MARRIAGE
Nations often have laws in regard to marriage. The reason is mostly to protect women
and children. For example, in
America property that belongs to the man or woman must be
divided equally if there is a divorce, in some states. In other states, there are different
rules.
Also, most
nations have laws in regard to children.
For example, children of a marriage belong to the parents. This may sound obvious, but it is an
important law for deciding what the child will eat, what he or she will wear,
and more.
Rights and
obligations. Most nations also have written rules for couples that consists of their rights in a marriage, and their
obligations to each other, to their children, and to society.
For example, marriage usually gives the partners
exclusive sexual rights to each otherÕs bodies. Another example is that getting married usually means that
the couple is obligated to behave responsibly to each other, and to take care
of their children.
The idea of rights and obligations is very important because it formalizes their
relationship. In contrast, when
two people shack up, there are no rights and obligations set down in the
secular or religious laws of the nation.
This is important to know.
It is tempting to say, ÒI prefer to make my own rules
rather than play by someone elseÕs rules.Ó However, there are good reasons for the rights and
obligations of marriage. Making up
your own rights and obligations, in almost all cases, does not work as well. So beware of
this difference between a marriage and shacking up.
RELIGION AND
MARRIAGE
Most
religions such as Judaism, Christianity, Islam, Buddhism and many others have
rules regarding marriage. This is
because in many nations marriage is primarily a religious act or ritual.
For example, the rules may include when the couple
can have sex, how they must behave toward one another, how they must treat
their children, and more.
THE SOUL AND
MARRIAGE
The souls of people love marriages. The reason is that marriage is a
practice run for living with oneÕs twin
soul, and later living with other souls as a composite soul. Other
articles discuss these important topics in detail: Twin Souls
and Composite Souls.
DIVORCE
Marriage that ends before the termination of life is called divorce.
It is the dissolution of the marriage contract by one or the other
parties to the contract. It is not
recommended, but at times it will occur, and should be
fine for both partners.
If one partner does not want marriage any longer, then he
or she files for divorce to end the relationship in a definite and legal
way. One need not have gone
outside the relationship for sex, or done something else in violation of the contract
for it to end in divorce.
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