by Lawrence Wilson, MD
©January 2012, The
Center For Development
Communication is a basic human activity. It involves touching a deep place
within that we share. It is a
process of coming into perfect communion with another, or with a group of
others. It is indeed a valuable
skill that must be learned in most cases.
Difficulty communicating causes frustration,
fear, relationship problems, childhood difficulties, violence and war, in most
cases. Dr. Marshall Rosenberg, a
psychologist, has developed a simple, yet powerful method to help this problem.
He calls it Nonviolent Communication or NVC.
NVC can save marriages, help parents raise their children,
and help schools and all other institutions function better. It can even stop rapes and murders by
shifting the attackerÕs focus away from anger. NVC practice groups now exist in some
American cities and around the world.
This article explores Dr. RosenbergÕs
ÒsystemÓ. It is certainly
valuable. I truly enjoyed his book
and learned a lot about things like subtle judgment words like should, ought,
must, abused, neglected and more.
While I love his work, it has some
problems. One of the most
important is that one must remember to actually do it. One must remember the steps and
implement them in a crisis, which is sometimes hard to do. Other issues that are difficult about
this system of communication are discussed later in this article.
PRINCIPLES
OF NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION
NVC is based on rather
deep and quite spiritual principles:
1. Each is responsible
for his own life. This means taking full responsibility
for oneÕs feelings, words and actions, rather than projecting and attributing
your feelings to others.
2. Do not take responsibility for the feelings of others. This is another trap that one must
avoid. If someone is upset with
you, or with anything, it is an attribute of that person, and it is not about
you, necessarily.
3. One cannot force
others to feel, think or act the way one wishes. Trying to do so through demands,
threats and punishment stops communication. Even if the attempt is successful, the results often
backfire, so that the person acts from resentment, not from love and honesty.
4. Judging oneself and
others often stops honest communication.
Judging has a quality of finality about it. Also, judging presumes one
knows everything about a person or situation, which is generally not the
case. Judgment therefore is
usually an enemy of communication, although the qualities of discernment and
evaluation, which are different than judgment, are needed always.
5. All people are
connected at the level of feelings, basic personality needs, and other levels. Staying in the body,
staying in the present time, and empathizing with others brings people together
and solves problems for this reason.
When, however, one does not remain at these deeper levels of human
consciousness and instead people argue or discuss at purely intellectual or emotional
levels, communication tends to fall apart.
NVC is a system designed
to help one apply these principles in daily life. It consists of four basic steps that one can use when
attempting to communicate with others, particularly in a difficult situation.
The basic four-step process is: 1) making a
pure observation without judging, 2) identifying a feeling within yourself, 3)
finding the human need behind the feeling, and 4) formulating a request (not a
demand). I will add a fifth step
as well, which is to ask for feedback.
Let us discuss each of these in more
detail. I find that if one
actually follows these steps, it will drastically improve your communication
skill with everyone. You will find
you will be far more effective and will not Òturn offÓ people nearly as much.
STEP 1.
OBSERVE THE SITUATION WITHOUT EVALUATING OR JUDGING
The process begins by observing what is
actually occurring in a situation, but not judging anyone or anything. The
trick is to observe without introducing
any judgment or evaluation. This is often difficult!
For example, let us say a small child refuses
to clean up his room. Rather than
react, the first step is to stop for a moment and observe without judging. This is much tougher than one might
imagine. To just blurt out, "Your
room is a mess", is a judgment. A pure observation might be: "There are five
pieces of clothing on the floor and nine toys are scattered around the
roomÓ. This is not an evaluation,
but just an observation.
Judgments include statements
like "heÕs a slob", or calling someone mean, messy, needy, stupid, lazy, inconsiderate, racist, sexist,
selfish, or inappropriate.
These words are basically about making another ÔwrongÕ or ÔbadÕ in some
way. They are about blame,
insults, put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons or assessments.
Other, more subtle judgment words include the words
always, never, ever, whenever, often,
frequently, and seldom, when used loosely or to exaggerate. For example, "His room is often
messy", confuses observation with evaluation. A pure observation is without comparison to the past.
If you want to refer to the past, you could say,
ÒThe room was messy three other timesÓ or you could say Òmany other
timesÓ. But adding the ÒalwaysÓ or
ÒusuallyÓ word is vague often just adds a subtle judgment quality to the pure
observation.
Learning to just observe without much
evaluation or judgment is very difficult for most people. In fact, it is one of the hardest steps
in this process. Most people are
accustomed to moving from seeing or observing to evaluating, comparing and
judging very quickly.
Learning to just observe a situation means
slowing down and looking at the entire scene or process much more
carefully. One must not be in too
much of a hurry in order to accomplish this.
For example, if someone stabs someone on the
street corner and you observe it, you must observe the entire process, not just
the stabbing. Who spoke first,
what was said, were gestures made, did someone punch the other one, and so
on. What happened after the
stabbing, and so on.
Once you have formulated a non-judgmental
observation, you are ready for the second step in the process.
STEP 2.
IDENTIFY A FEELING
Having observed, the next step is to identify a
feeling inside of you that is related to the observation. Feelings are always related to your body,
and never involve others. Once again, this is often not easy to
do.
Many people are not in touch with their real
feelings at all. Some even pretend
they have no feelings. Learning to
feel feelings and being able to say or express what they are is a chore in itself.
In the example of the childÕs room, the parent
may feel frustrated, upset, sad, lonely,
depressed or even despairing at the condition of the
room. A parent might also feel fear or anger that the child will grow
up very sloppy, or that bugs or other vermin are hiding among the mess, for
example. The parent could feel anger because the parent does not want
to deal with the problem because it is not enjoyable and perhaps the parent has
to go to work. The parent could
feel angry because he or she does not want to clean up the mess himself or
herself.
Many people confuse feelings with subtle judgments. In the example above, the parent might
have said something like "I feel abused,
abandoned, violated, attacked, betrayed,
misunderstood, cheated, guilty, insulted, used, bothered, disappointed, neglected,
or ripped off".
These seem like feelings, but they are
not. They are judgments, because
they involve another person or a situation doing something to oneself. A
huge problem in communication is to avoid using these words when describing
your feelings!
Taking Responsibility
For Feelings. Incidents like the childÕs clothes all
over the floor may set the stage for
feelings, but they do not cause
feelings. Although some will deny
this point, one always has a choice how one will feel.
For example, upon observing the mess of toys on
the floor, the parent could say ÒI am so grateful my child at least lives at
home and plays at home, not in a dangerous schoolyardÓ. The parent might also have said, ÒI can
see my child is very intelligent by all the toys that are on the floorÓ. The parent could have said, ÒI see how
bright my child is the way he can arrange all the toys on the floorÓ, and so
on.
In other words, one could look at the messy
room and still feel mainly gratitude, instead of upset. One could feel other things, such as
pride in how intelligent the child is, or shame about how sloppy the child
is. Any feelings are possible, in
other words, and the situation itself is not the cause of the feeling, but just
a trigger or incident that is neutral by itself, until the parent gives it a
value or judges it in some way.
This is a critical point about our reality.
Even a rape or a robbery that might seem
horrendous could have an outcome or consequence that is positive. This happens more often than one
thinks. So the essential point is
to learn to 1) observe the situation without judging, and then 2) identify a
feeling inside, but not to judge anyone and do not think the situation caused
the feeling in you, but rather that because of your perception, you have simply
chosen to react in a particular manner.
Subtle ways that we deny responsibility for
feelings include speech patterns such as "It bugs me when ..." or
"That bothers me", ÒIt makes me angry whenÓ. These phrases imply or actually state
that responsibility for your feelings lie outside of yourself. A better statement is that ÒWhen
I saw your room so messy, I started to feel angryÓ. Here, one may at least be taking some responsibility for the
feeling of anger, and not simply blaming the child for causing oneÕs feelings.
Another subtle denial of responsibility for
oneÕs feelings is a statement like "I felt angry when I saw your messy
room.Ó Again, this sort of implies
that another is responsible for oneÕs feeling. Instead, one could say "When I saw your messy room, I
chose to respond with anger because I want the house to look neat and cleanÓ. I realize that the difference in the
wording is subtle, but it can be important.
By the way, people often are in the habit of
blaming feelings and actions on anything imaginable such as dark forces, a
disease or condition, authorities, group pressure, policies and rules, gender
or age roles, or impulses. "I did it because I had to", "because
they made me", or "because it is our policy or rule". Denying responsibility for oneÕs
actions and feelings denies oneÕs power and sovereignty, makes one the victim,
and subtly blames others for oneÕs dilemmas.
Assuming responsibility
for othersÕ feelings. This is another trap. It can seem like caring, but it is not!
This is a huge source of conflict in relationships.
An example of assuming responsibility for
anotherÕs feelings is to say, "IÕm sorry I made you mad". A much better statement is "When I
see how mad you are, I feel sad because I want a connection with you".
In other words, each of us always chooses and
is responsible for his or her own feelings. Strictly speaking, you cannot make another person mad, or
sad or even happy, despite what you may have heard or learned from others. You can do what you will, and the other
person then chooses the feeling they wish to have. Many people have learned this the hard way, that you cannot
make others happy. You can only do
what you do, and others will choose their responses or their feelings.
Once you have identified a feeling about the
situation that is not related to others, you are ready to identify a human need
or desire about the situation.
STEP 3.
IDENTIFY YOUR NEED OR DESIRE
The third step, after making a pure observation
and properly identifying a feeling inside yourself, is to identify your need in this situation. This is also tricky.
A need is always about oneself, not about another.
Also, a need, as defined here, is always a basic human
quality
such as a need for protection, love,
caring, warmth, autonomy, respect, nurturing, intellectual stimulation, or
play. These may be called psychic
or basic needs.
To understand this better, in the example of
the childÕs room, the parentÕs need may be for respect or for cleanliness
(protection from germs). In
contrast, however, if the parent says my need in this situation is "That you clean up your room",
the parent is not in touch with his or her needs. To clean up a room is not a deep human need. It is actually a request or a demand
for action by another, in this case.
So it is not about the parent himself or herself, but about another, and
it is not a basic desire or psychic need.
This is a very difficult area for most
people. We all have needs, or what
we believe are our needs. We all
want to be loved, respected, honored, obeyed (with children), nurtured,
pleasured, stroked or at least acknowledged. These may be called the basic human needs.
Inability to clearly
state our needs. Children are good at announcing their
needs, though they may not be able to articulate them exactly. They cry or scream, for example. They hold up their little hands if they
want to be held or hugged. This,
at least, gets the message across.
As we grow up, it would be excellent if we were
to learn how to articulate our actual psychic needs. One might say, I am really looking for security, or I feel
the need for acknowledgment or love, or something else.
However, many of us not only did not learn how
to articulate our deep needs. We
learned it is not okay to express our needs at all. Indeed, many people learn their needs are not important, and
perhaps that no one cares about them anyway.
However, remembering this aspect of our selfhood and our
humanity is most important for connecting with others in deep ways. Basic physical, emotional and mental or
psychic needs are one of the ways to bring people together, as we all have
them, to varying degrees.
Getting in touch with our needs and expressing
them is also the only way, in many cases, to have our deep needs met by others. The alternative is to just wait around
and hope that others will figure out our needs. This is what many people do, in fact, in their
relationships, marriages, etc. work settings, etc. It does not work well at all! Many people seek a Òmind readerÓ to keep them happy because
they do not even know what they need or want, and depending upon others to
figure out and satisfy our needs is an easy way out, but one that rarely works.
Three stages of
recovery.
Dr. Rosenthal states that many people pass through three stages of recovery as
they get in touch with their needs.
In the first stage, one feels like a slave, unable to express oneÕs
needs, and often feeling responsible for otherÕs needs. For example, in this stage one may be
in the habit of saying "I
have to leave now because my children (or my friends, or my parents) expect me
to come home".
In the second stage, one rebels and may act
obnoxious. One may be prone
to statements like, "IÕm not responsible for you". ÒI do my thing and you do yoursÓ.
The third stage is one of maturity and
liberation. One takes
responsibility for oneÕs feelings and needs, but not those of others. This represents healthy boundaries. One chooses to respond out of compassion, but never out of
guilt, fear or shame. One can state
needs clearly and be concerned with the needs of others. "I choose to go
here, but not there, because I want to".
Choosing your feelings. Upon hearing a statement by another,
one has four options: 1) blame the other for the feeling, 2) blame oneself, 3)
sense oneÕs own needs and feelings, or 4) sense the othersÕ needs and feelings.
The latter two are compassionate communication responses.
STEP 4.
FORMULATING A REQUEST
The fourth step in the NVC
process is to formulate a request based on oneÕs observations, feelings and
needs. A parent might make this
request: "I am feeling frustrated because I have a need to protect you
from illness caused by germs.
Would you be willing to clean up your room?"
Here are some tips about formulating requests.
1. It is best to phrase
requests positively.
"Would you be willing to clean up your room?" is better than
"Would you be willing to stop making a mess?"
2. Make the request as
specific as possible,
as in "Would you be willing to hang your clothes in the closet and take
your pillow off the floor?"
This tends to be better than ÒWould you be willing to clean up the
room?Ó
3. Always speak kindly,
but firmly and clearly, without unnecessary emotion such as sarcasm. For example, it would not be
helpful to say ÒI am so sick of your mess, will you get going and clean it up
for once?Ó
Requests Versus
Demands. A request is very different from a
demand, but the two are often confused.
The difference is that a request is voluntary, without threats.
Demands force the other person to submit or
rebel, which stops communication.
A subtle form of demand
occurs if the person blames, judges, or lays a guilt trip if the request
is not complied with. For example,
ÒYou had better clean up your roomÓ is a veiled threat and is effectively a
demand because it implies negative consequences if one does not go along..
It is only a request if
the one making the request can accept either a yes or no answer. If, when asked to clean up, the child
says "no" and the parent says "You never do what I tell
you!", then it was a demand.
It was a request if the parent can answer,
"I see that you prefer to play rather than clean up right now. I am disappointed because I was hoping
you would want to cooperate. Would
you be willing to do it after you play?"
The goal is an honest, empathy-based
relationship, not just compliance!
Words that indicate a
subtle demand. The words should, ought, must, or have to are often demands. For example, a parent might say,
"The room should be cleaned up". This is a subtle demand, rather than a request.
A reflective request. An excellent type of request is to ask
for reflection. This is especially
helpful if one is not sure one was heard and understood. For example, one could say "Would
you tell me what you heard me say?"
This is a request for empathy and for clarification only. It is not to be confused with sarcasm,
as in screaming at the other, "Did you hear me?"
These are the basic steps in the book, Non-Violent
Communication.
My concern with requests
versus demands. A problem with always making a request
instead of a demand may be that, at times, real action is needed. In these cases, a demand may be needed,
as I see it. It might sound like,
ÒGet out of the middle of that busy street or you will be grounded for a
monthÓ.
Marshall
Rosenberg does not deal much with these types of situations, and it is a
weakness of his system, in my view.
However, I understand that he wants to keep all communication open and
this requires totally voluntary participation. His method often works, but may be slower in an emergency.
Also,
in some cases, like the current (2011) conflict between the Palestinians versus
the Israelis, it may not work at all.
If one of the parties really does not want communication, but only
action (getting their land back and kicking Israel into the sea), then I do not
see how any type of communication skill will really work.
Dr. Rosenberg is counting on our humanity to
save us – that we truly want to be heard, to feel our feelings, and to
communicate with others. I hope
this is true, but am not always sure it is the case.
AN EXTRA
STEP OR STEP 5. OBTAIN FEEDBACK ON EVERYTHING YOU HAVE DONE SO FAR
This is not part of Dr. RosenbergÕs basic
4-step communication system, although he certainly suggests it. This is a key because sometimes you are
not in touch with your own feelings or those of the other person at a deep
enough level. So it is always wise
to say to the other ÒHow are we doing with this conversation?Ó, or ÒAm I on the
right track with this conversation?Ó or ÒTime out. How are we doing resolving this issue?Ó
You may be surprised at the answer you
receive. Few people ask for
feedback, and so people are often taken off guard and appreciate being asked
for feedback.
You can even do this with young children. You can say to your five-year-old
child, ÒWell, how am I doing in getting you to clean up your room?Ó You might be surprised when the child
blurts out that you were doing okay until you got angry, or until you said the
room is always messy when that is not true. You may learn how to communicate much better as a result.
OTHER TOPICS
RELATED TO NONVIOLENT COMMUNICATION - EMPATHY
Psychologist Carl Rogers wrote: "When
someone really hears you without passing judgment on you, without trying to
take responsibility for you, and without trying to mold you, it feels damn
good." Listening to others is
Ôsaying a lotÕ.
Empathy is central in NVC. The key
ingredient for empathy, according to Marshall Rosenberg, is presence. It involves being in
the present moment and in the body.
It is a non-judgmental state in which one observes oneself and notes as
well what the other person is observing, feeling, needing and requesting. This is not easy most of the time! One needs empathy to give empathy. This can come from a spiritual source
within, or from living with empathetic others, but is not so easy to just learn
on oneÕs own.
Empathy is unfamiliar to many people. Empathy is not the same as sympathy, which
is feeling what another person is feeling. Empathy is something else. For example, let us review what empathy is NOT.
What Empathy is Not. When someone speaks, instead of simply
empathizing, one may: offer advice,
educate, console, story-tell, sympathize, interrogate, explain, correct,
reassure or explain a position or feeling.
Just jumping in after someone speaks is likely
to be a knee-jerk reaction to make the other person feel better by offering
somehow to "fix" the situation.
This is a common response, but is often not empathy!
Women often complain that men do this to them,
rather than just listening attentively.
This may have something to do with how women prefer to communicate, in
contrast to how men communicate.
EMPATHY
PRACTICE
Empathy demands the following order of actions:
1. First simply be
present. This means to say nothing and to listen
carefully and fully, not formulating any response.
2. Respond first by
paraphrasing or repeating the essence of what you heard: "What I just heard
you say isÉ.".
If you can, express what you believe you heard
in terms of what you sense the other is observing,
feeling, needing and requesting.
3. Then ask the person
if it is okay to respond.
4. If you ask for more
information, first express your own needs and feelings. For example, you might say, "I am
feeling confused by your statement.
Can you tell me more about what happened".
5. Reflecting back
emotionally-charged messages is especially powerful. This can diffuse anger
and could save your life. It may
seem time-consuming, but in practice it saves time and energy by avoiding
misunderstanding and expressing patience, kindness, presence and empathetic
behavior.
For example, if someone screams at you that you
are killing them by not listening to them, instead of taking offense, try to
stay calm and repeat back to them something like ÒI sense you are very angry at
me about what I didÓ. If the
person continues to scream at you, just continue to answer in the same way. This can diffuse a very tense and even
dangerous situation, according to Dr. Rosenberg.
Just stay with empathy until there is a release
of tension, or until the end of the flow of the personÕs words. Dr. RosenbergÕs phrase is: DonÕt put
your ÔbutÕ in the face of an angry person. Just empathize.
This includes empathy for a person saying "no" and empathy for
silence (no answer).
One woman who attended a workshop with Dr.
Rosenberg was alone on duty the next day at a homeless shelter. A man came in asking for a bed. When she told him they were full, he
pulled a knife and in no time he was sitting on her chest with the knife at her
throat. She decided this was a
good time to practice her NVC. She kept expressing what she thought he
was feeling - afraid, upset, disappointed, and frustrated. Each time she did so, the man softened
a little. Finally, he calmed down
and she was able to drive him to another shelter.
THE
DESIRE AND INTENTION FOR COMMUNICATION
This
is so critical, and is not dealt with too much by Dr. Rosenberg, in my limited
experience. In fact, some people
are not too interested in communicating deeply. I would say they do not love you enough. They just want what they want. Children sometimes do this. They just want their toy or their
food. They do not want to discuss
the matter very much, or learn about communicating. If you do not comply with their request, they will just
irritate you until you do comply, or until you wear them out.
The
same takes place in every other situation, even international politics. The Palestinians, for example, are not
too interested in a deep discussion about Israel. They want the Israelis out, and that is all.
The
lack of desire for deep communication is one of the main stumbling blocks,
since without desire and intention, little else will take place. Always keep this in mind if you are not
succeeding with communication.
Perhaps the other party simply does not desire much communication, no
matter what they say.
COMMUNICATION
AS LOVE
A
deep form of love is to be willing to communicate. This may not sound like much, but it is. For this reason, if a person you are
with does not wish to communicate deeply and learn how to do it, they may not
love you as much as they say they do.
BLOCKS TO
EXCELLENT COMMUNICATION
I
have mentioned a few of these. One
must desire communication, and one must sustain the intent to communicate. One must also have some skill, or be
willing to learn communication skills, such as those suggested in this article.
One
must also stay in the present, and stay focused with communication. Another important block is lack of
time. How can two communicate if
the time is not allotted for this activity?
Another
block is an inability to think logically, or to hear properly.
A
more subtle and important problem in communication is discussed in detail
below. It is the presence of often
hidden traumas in the psyche that interfere with and can completely block
effective communication.
THE
PROBLEM OF HIDDEN TRAUMAS
To return to the example used throughout this
article, let us say the child whose room is messy was traumatized in the past
by a stern parent who beat the child or screamed at the child whenever his room
needed cleaning.
Such a child may encounter serious difficulty
each time his parent wants his room to be cleaned up. The child may become rebellious, or may simply shut his ears
and try not to hear, or the child may impulsively start to cry, or some other
response besides simply listening and responding. This is a simple example of how a past trauma, whether it is
consciously known or not, can ruin or impair communication.
In fact, most people have been traumatized at
some time or another, often in very subtle ways. Later in their lives, they wonder why some types of
communication, perhaps with the opposite sex, or with the boss, or with the
government, or another type, is so difficult for them. This is the reason.
This is an enormous topic. I want to explain it energetically to
help simplify it. It is as though
communication between two people is one frequency or vibration. An old hidden trauma is like another
vibratory frequency that mixes with the first one. The result is a mixture, or null effect, or amplification,
or distortion of the original frequency or vibration that disrupts it, or may
completely inhibit it.
Dealing with trauma is discussed in other
articles on this website and in the text, Nutritional Balancing And Hair Mineral
Analysis (2010 edition).
HUMOR,
RELAXATION AND COMMUNICATION
Leaders, parents, teachers, advertisers,
preachers, and others whose livelihood, success or just happiness depends upon
communication know that if you can relax a person, you may have more success
with communication.
This is often a key with children, for
example. Humor, silliness, jokes,
and so on help people relax and can Òbreak the iceÓ to help move communication
forward.
TIMING
AND CONTEXT IN COMMUNICATION
This is another factor in successful
communication, at times. For
example, many parents know they should not make requests of their children when
the child is overtired, or angry, or rushing out the door. Instead, it is best to wait for a quiet
moment, or maybe during the childÕs favorite mealtime snack or even while the
child is watching his favorite television program. Then communication may be far easier because the child is
relaxed and happy.
The same principle applies to all
communication. Wait for the right
time, if possible. Also, wait for
the right context. A parent I know
says she does best communicating with her teenage daughter when they are in the
car, just the two of them. The
reason is that the daughter is relaxed, away from her friends and her computer,
and the two are locked up together, so to speak, which tends to favor some
types of communication.
NUTRITIONAL
BALANCING SCIENCE AND COMMUNICATION
This website recommends a very specific type of
nutritional and lifestyle healing program called nutritional
balancing science. Among the
many benefits of this particular method is often an improvement in communication
ability. The reasons for this
include:
1. Abundant energy. Many people are simply
exhausted, and have difficulty with communication for this reason. Nutritional balancing focuses on
restoring a personÕs energy and vitality at the deepest levels. The importance of energy for
communication and all human activities cannot be overemphasized. Here are a few reasons to improve your
vitality and energy:
- One is more able to
take risks, which communication often requires.
- One is more able to
think clearly. Thinking requires
plenty of energy.
- One is more able to
stand up for what one believes.
This is also important for honest communication.
- Energy often brings much better self-esteem
and self-confidence that is vital for communication.
- People with energy are
generally more positive, outgoing and interested in others.
- It requires energy to
feel feelings deeply, even to feel how uncomfortable or depressed one is
feeling. This may sound odd, but I
have observed it in myself and many other clients over and over again. Without enough energy, one just shuts
down or takes the easy way out.
This is even a cause for suicidal thoughts in some cases.
- People admire
energy. In the world of business,
it is sometimes said that Òpeople buy energyÓ. This assists self-esteem, but also helps both parties to
engage in real communication based on mutual appreciation.
2. Reducing
mental/emotional symptoms helps communication. Some people cannot
think clearly. They suffer from
Ôbrain fogÕ, distractibility, ADD, ADHD, anxieties, depression, and other
mental/emotional symptoms that seriously get in the way of excellent
communication. Most of these will
lessen or disappear with a nutritional balancing program that improves overall
body chemistry and removes hundreds of toxins from the brain.
3. Removing other
imbalances. Some
people are unbalanced in other, more subtle ways. They have an unbalanced oxidation rate, unbalanced minerals
and mineral ratios and patterns, they have infections that affect the brain,
and more. Many people report
to me that as their health improves, they are mysteriously better at listening
to others, and other aspects of communication.
4. Releasing deeper
hidden traumas. Interestingly,
a properly designed nutritional balancing program may be able to undo some deep
hidden traumas. These can be
either physical or mental/emotional ones.
This is a unique ability of this program. It stems from increasing a personÕs vitality to a sufficient
degree. Then the body suddenly
begins to process the trauma on its own.
It will also make other therapies much more effective, such as
counseling and others.
ROY
MASTERS MEDITATION AND COMMUNICATION
Part of nutritional balancing science that can
be particularly helpful for communicating is the daily practice of a type of meditation exercise originally taught by Mr. Roy
Masters. This exercise only, when
done daily, can do much for anyone to improve communication ability and
effectiveness. Read the article on
meditation for more details.
COMMUNICATION
VERSUS PROPAGANDA
Unfortunately, the material in this article can
be and is used daily by advertisers, politicians, parents and many others to
coerce, manipulate and inculcate certain ideas into the minds of unsuspecting
people.
One may say that the ability to communicate is
one of the most powerful weapons of war, in fact. This science is called propaganda. This can be defined as the use of communication skills to
manipulate and control others. for
dark or evil purposes in this way.
I mention this because one must always be on
guard against the Ògood communicatorsÓ, which include the likes of Adolf
Hitler, Joseph Stalin, Mao Tse Tung and other very
effective and murderous dictators who used communication effectively to control
and manipulate millions of people, often causing their deaths.
Thus communication skill can be used for any
purpose. At least, knowing about
it you can use it well, and hopefully you will see when others are using it
against you, not for you.
CONCLUSION
There is more in Marshall RosenbergÕs book and
tapes about expressing anger, receiving empathy, expressing appreciation, the
proper use of force and punishment.
OneÕs intention to really connect is very important in NVC.
Otherwise, the best-chosen words and phrases will be hollow. Vigilance and practice are also most
important, especially until old habits have been undone.
I find compassionate communication to be an
excellent spiritual practice, useful in every waking moment. Even when I am alone, old
life-alienating phrases like "I should do this" arise. Remember the four steps: 1) observe the
situation without judging or evaluating, 2) identify a feeling in oneself, 3)
identify oneÕs psychic or deep human need, and 4) formulate a request.
Communication
is a large topic, and this is but an introduction.
Resources
1.
Rosenberg, M., Nonviolent Communication,
A Language of Compassion, PuddleDancer Press, Del
Mar, CA 1999. For books, tapes,
workbooks, seminars and workshops, call 1-800-255-7696 or visit www.cnvc.org.
Home * Hair Analysis * Saunas * Books
* Articles
Detoxification Protocols * Courses * About Dr.
Wilson