B y Dr. Lawrence Wilson
Communication
is a basic human activity. It involves touching a deep place within that we
share. Difficulty communicating causes frustration, fear and even violence. Dr.
Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist, developed a simple, powerful method to help
this problem. He calls it Nonviolent Communication or NVC. It is also called
Compassionate Communication.
NVC
has saved marriages, helped parents relate to their children, and helped
schools and other institutions function better. It has even stopped rapes and
murders by shifting the attacker’s focus away from anger. NVC practice groups
now exist in most American cities and around the world. NVC is based on spiritual principles:
1) Each is responsible for
his own life. This means taking full responsibility for one’s feelings, words
and actions, rather than attribute them to others. One also does not take
responsibility for the feelings, thoughts or actions of others, as these belong
to others.
2) One cannot force others
to feel, think or act the way one wishes. Trying to do so through demands,
threats and punishment stops communication. Even if the attempt is successful,
the results often backfire.
3) Judging oneself and
others stops honest communication. Judging has a quality of finality about it.
Also, judging presumes one knows everything about a person or situation, which
is never the case.
4) All are connected at the
level of feelings and needs. Staying in the body, staying present and
empathizing with others brings people together and solves problems.
NVC is a practical method
to apply these principles in daily life. Here is how it works.
OBSERVING WITHOUT EVALUATING
The
basic NVC process consists of four-steps: 1) observing, 2) identifying a
feeling, 3) finding the need behind the feeling, and 4) formulating a request.
Let us consider each step in more detail.
Begin by observing what is actually occurring in a situation. The trick
is to observe without introducing any judgment or evaluation. For example, let us say a child
refuses to clean up his room. Rather than react, the first step is to stop for
a moment and observe without judging. This is much tougher than one might
imagine. To just blurt out "your room is a mess" is a judgment. A
pure observation might be: "There are five pieces of clothing on the
floor".
Judgments
include statements like "he’s a slob", or calling someone mean,
messy, needy, stupid, lazy, inconsiderate, racist, selfish, or inappropriate. These words are basically about
making another ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’ in some way. They are about blame, insults,
put-downs, labels, criticisms, comparisons or assessments.
Use
of the words always, never, ever, whenever, often, frequently, and seldom, when used to exaggerate, as in
"his room is always messy", also confuse observation with evaluation.
A pure observation is without comparison or evaluation.
IDENTIFYING A FEELING
Having
observed, the next step is to identify a feeling related to the observation. Feelings
are always related to the body, and do not involve others. Often, people are not in touch with
feelings at all. Many pretend they have no feelings. Learning to express
feelings is the first step. In the example of the child’s room, the parent may
feel frustrated, upset, sad, or even despairing at the condition of the room.
Many
people confuse feelings with subtle judgments. In the example above, the parent
might have said something like "I feel abused, abandoned, violated,
attacked, misunderstood, betrayed, cheated, guilty, insulted, used, neglected,
or ripped off". These
seem like feelings, but they are not. They are judgments, because they involve
another person or situation doing something to oneself.
TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR FEELINGS
Incidents
like the child’s clothes all over the floor may set the stage for feelings, but they do not cause feelings. Although some will deny
this point, one always has a choice how one will feel. For example, upon observing the clothing
on the floor, a parent could choose to be grateful their child at least lives
at home, even if his room not as clean as he or she would like.
Ways
that one may deny responsibility for feelings include speech patterns such as
"It bugs me when ..." or "That bugs me". These phrases are
judgments that imply that responsibility for feelings lie outside oneself.
Another subtle denial is a statement like "I felt sad when you didn’t come
home". This implies that another is responsible for one’s feeling.
Instead, one could say "When you didn’t come home, I chose to remain alone
and felt sad because I was needing companionship".
One
may blame feelings and actions on impersonal forces, a disease or condition,
authorities, group pressure, policies and rules, gender or age roles, or
impulses. "I did it because I had to", "because they made
me", or "because it is our policy or rule". Denying
responsibility for one’s actions and feelings denies one’s power and
sovereignty, makes one the victim and subtly blames others for one’s dilemmas.
Another
issue is assuming responsibility for others’ feelings. This can seem like
caring, but it is not! This is a common trap and a huge source of conflict in
relationships. Each chooses and is responsible for his or her own feelings. An
example of assuming responsibility for another’s feelings is to say, "I’m
sorry I made you mad". An NVC statement might be "When I see that you
are mad, I feel sad because I want a connection with you".
Upon
hearing a statement by another, this same principle of responsibility applies.
One has four options on hearing a feeling from another: 1) blame the other for
the feeling, 2) blame oneself, 3) sense one’s own needs and feelings, or 4)
sense the others’ needs and feelings. The latter two are compassionate
communication responses.
IDENTIFYING NEEDS OR DESIRES
After
identifying a feeling, the next step is to identify one’s need in this
situation. A need is always about oneself, not about another. A need is always a basic human
quality such as
protection, autonomy, respect, nurturing or play. In the example of the child’s
room, the parent’s need may be for respect or for cleanliness (protection from
germs). "That you clean up your room" is not a need. This is a
request or demand.
Children
are good at announcing their needs. They cry or scream. However, somewhere
along the line, many of us learned it is not okay to express our needs.
Remembering this aspect of our selfhood and humanity is most important for
connecting.
Marshall
states many people pass through three stages of recovery as they get in touch
with their needs. In the first stage, one feels like a slave, unable to express
one’s needs and feeling responsible for other’s needs. "I have to go
because my kids (or my friends, or my parents) expect me to".
In
the second stage, one rebels and may act obnoxious - "I’m not responsible
for you". The third stage is one of maturity and liberation. One takes
responsibility for one’s feelings and needs, but not those of others. This
represents healthy boundaries. One chooses to respond out of compassion, but
never out of guilt, fear or shame. One can state needs clearly and be concerned
with the needs of others. "I choose to go here, but not there, because I
want to".
FORMULATING A REQUEST
The
final step is to formulate a request based on one’s observations, feelings and
needs. A parent might make this request: "I am feeling frustrated because
I have a need to protect you from illness caused by germs. Would you be willing
to clean up your room?" It is
best to phrase requests positively. "Would you be willing to clean up your
room?" is better than "Would you be willing to stop making a
mess?". Also, make the request as specific as possible, as in "Would
you be willing to hang your clothes in the closet and take your pillow off the
floor?"
Requests
are not the same as demands. Demands force the other person to submit or rebel,
which stops communication. A request is really a demand if the person blames,
judges, or lays a guilt trip if the request is not complied with. It is a
request if the one asking can accept either a yes or no answer. If, when asked to clean up, the child
says "no" and the parent says "You never do what I tell
you!", then it was a demand. It was a request if the parent can answer,
"I see that you prefer to play rather than clean up right now. I am
disappointed because I was hoping you would want to cooperate. Would you be
willing to do it after you play?". The goal is an honest, empathy-based
relationship, not just compliance!
The
words should, ought, must, or have to are often demands. A parent asked to observe a messy
room might say, "The room should be cleaned up". This is a demand,
rather than a request. One request
is to ask for reflection. This is especially helpful if one is not sure one was
heard and understood. For example, one could say "Would you tell me what
you heard me say?". This is a request for empathy and for clarification
only. It is not to be confused with sarcasm, as in screaming at the other
"Did you hear me?"
EMPATHY
Psychologist
Carl Rogers wrote: "When someone really hears you without passing judgment
on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, and without trying to
mold you, it feels damn good." Listening to others is ‘saying a lot’.
Empathy
is central in NVC. The key ingredient for empathy, according to Marshall, is
PRESENCE. It involves being in the present moment and in the body. It is a
non-judgmental state in which one observes oneself and notes as well what the
other person is observing, feeling, needing and requesting. One needs empathy
to give empathy. This can come from a spiritual source within, or from
empathetic others.
Empathy
is unfamiliar to many people. Empathy is not the same as sympathy, which is
feeling what another person is feeling. When someone speaks, instead of simply
empathizing, one may: offer advice, educate, console, story-tell, sympathize,
interrogate, explain, correct, reassure or explain his position or feeling.
Just jumping in is likely a knee-jerk reaction to make one feel better by
offering somehow to "fix" the situation. This is a common response,
but is often not empathy!
EMPATHY PRACTICE
Empathy
demands first that one simply be present. Then it requires asking the person if
it is okay to respond or offer a suggestion. A good empathy practice is to
paraphrase: "What I hear you saying is..". Express what one hears in
terms of what one senses the other is observing, feeling, needing and
requesting. If one asks for
information, first express one’s own needs and feelings. "I am feeling
confused by your statement. Can you tell me more about what happened".
Reflecting back emotionally-charged messages is especially powerful. This can
diffuse anger and could save your life. It may seem time-consuming, but in
practice it saves time.
Just
stay with empathy until there is a release of tension, or until the end of the
flow of the person’s words. Dr. Rosenberg’s phrase is: Don’t put your ‘but’ in
the face of an angry person. Just empathize. This includes empathy for a person
saying "no" and empathy for silence (no answer).
One
woman who attended a workshop with Dr. Rosenberg was alone on duty the next day
at a shelter. A man came in asking for a bed. When she told him they were full,
he pulled a knife and in no time was sitting on her chest with the knife at her
throat. She decided this was a good time to practice her NVC. She kept
expressing what she thought he was feeling - afraid, upset, disappointed, and
frustrated. Each time she did so, the man softened a little. Finally, he calmed
down and she was able to drive him to another shelter.
CONCLUSION
There
is much more in Marshall Rosenberg’s book and tapes about expressing anger,
receiving empathy, expressing appreciation, the proper use of force, and
punishment. One’s intention to
really connect is very important in NVC. Otherwise, the best-chosen words and
phrases will be hollow. Vigilance and practice are also most important,
especially until old habits have been undone.
I
find Compassionate Communication to be an excellent spiritual practice, useful
in every waking moment. Even when I am alone, old life-alienating phrases like
"I should do this" arise.
Remember the four steps: 1) observe the situation without judging or
evaluating, 2) identify a feeling in oneself, 3) identify one’s need and 4)
formulate a request.
Resources
1. Rosenberg, M., Nonviolent
Communication, A Language of Compassion, PuddleDancer Press, Del Mar, CA 1999. For books, tapes,
workbooks, seminars and workshops, call 1-800-255-7696 or visit www.cnvc.org.
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