by Lawrence Wilson, MD
©January 2010, The Center For Development
Communication
is a basic human activity. It
involves touching a deep place within that we share. Difficulty communicating causes frustration, fear and even
violence.
Dr.
Marshall Rosenberg, a psychologist, developed a simple, powerful method to help
this problem. He calls it Nonviolent Communication or NVC.
This
article explores Dr. Rosenberg’s “system”. It is valuable at times. I truly enjoyed his book and learned a lot about things like
subtle judgment words like should, ought, must, abused, neglected and more. I also feel it is difficult to use
except if one practices a lot.
This is its biggest drawback for me.
NVC has
saved marriages, helped parents relate to their children, and helped schools
and other institutions function better. It has even stopped rapes and murders
by shifting the attacker’s focus away from anger. NVC
practice groups now exist in most American cities and around the world.
PRINCIPLES OF NON-VIOLENT COMMUNICATION
NVC is
based on spiritual principles:
1) Each is responsible for his own
life. This means taking full responsibility for one’s feelings, words and
actions, rather than attribute them to others. One also does not take
responsibility for the feelings, thoughts or actions of others, as these belong
to others.
2) One cannot force others to feel,
think or act the way one wishes. Trying to do so through demands, threats and
punishment stops communication. Even if the attempt is successful, the results
often backfire.
3) Judging oneself and others stops
honest communication. Judging has a quality of finality about it. Also, judging
presumes one knows everything about a person or situation, which is never the
case.
4) All are connected at the level of
feelings and needs. Staying in the body, staying present and empathizing with
others brings people together and solves problems.
NVC is a
practical method to apply these principles in daily life. It consists of four basic steps that
one always uses when attempting to communicate with others, particularly in a
tight or difficult situation.
The basic NVC process consists of four-steps: 1) observing, 2)
identifying a feeling, 3) finding the need behind the feeling, and 4)
formulating a request. Let us
discuss each of these in more detail.
If you actually follow these steps, you can make a huge difference in
the quality of your communications with everyone, especially family, friends
and others you care about a lot.
You will find you will be far more effective and will not “turn off”
people nearly as much, also.
OBSERVING WITHOUT EVALUATING
The process
begins by observing what is actually occurring in a situation. The trick is to
observe without introducing any judgment
or evaluation. This is often not as easy as it sounds!
For example,
let us say a child refuses to clean up his room. Rather than react, the first
step is to stop for a moment and observe without judging. This is much tougher
than one might imagine. To just blurt out "your room is a mess" is a
judgment. A pure observation might
be: "There are five pieces of clothing on the floor".
Judgments include statements like "he’s
a slob", or calling someone mean,
messy, needy, stupid, lazy, inconsiderate, racist, sexist, selfish, or
inappropriate. These words are basically about making another ‘wrong’ or
‘bad’ in some way. They are about blame, insults, put-downs, labels,
criticisms, comparisons or assessments.
Other, more
subtle judgment words include the words always,
never, ever, whenever, often, frequently, and seldom, when used to
exaggerate. For example, "his
room is always messy", also confuse observation with evaluation. A pure observation is without
comparison or evaluation.
If you want
to refer to the past, you could say “this happened three other times or even
many other times”. But adding the
“always” or “usually” word is vague often just adds a subtle judgment quality
to the pure observation.
Once you
have formulated a non-judgmental observation, you are ready for the second step
in the process.
IDENTIFYING A FEELING
Having
observed, the next step is to identify a feeling related to the
observation. Feelings are always related to
the body, and do not involve others. Again, this is not often easy to
do.
Many people
are not in touch with feelings at all. Many pretend they have no feelings.
Learning to express feelings is the first step. In the example of the child’s
room, the parent may feel frustrated,
upset, sad, or even despairing at
the condition of the room.
Many people
confuse feelings with subtle judgments.
In the example above, the parent might have said something like "I
feel abused, abandoned, violated,
attacked, betrayed, misunderstood,
cheated, guilty, insulted, used, neglected, or ripped off".
These seem
like feelings, but they are not. They are judgments, because they involve
another person or situation doing something to oneself. This is a huge problem in communication
to void using these words when describing your feelings!
Taking Responsibility For Feelings. Incidents like the child’s clothes all over the floor may set the stage for feelings, but they do
not cause feelings. Although some will deny this point, one
always has a choice how one will feel.
For example,
upon observing the clothing on the floor, a parent could choose to be grateful
their child at least lives at home, even if his room not as clean as he or she
would like.
Ways that
one may deny responsibility for feelings include speech patterns such as
"It bugs me when ..." or "That bugs me". These phrases are judgments that imply
that responsibility for feelings lie outside oneself.
Another
subtle denial is a statement like "I felt sad when you didn’t come home".
This implies that another is responsible for one’s feeling. Instead, one could
say "When you didn’t come home, I chose to remain alone and felt sad
because I was needing companionship".
One may
blame feelings and actions on impersonal forces, a disease or condition,
authorities, group pressure, policies and rules, gender or age roles, or
impulses. "I did it because I had to", "because they made
me", or "because it is our policy or rule". Denying responsibility for one’s
actions and feelings denies one’s power and sovereignty, makes one the victim
and subtly blames others for one’s dilemmas.
Assuming responsibility for others’
feelings. This is another trap. It can seem like caring, but it is not!
This is a huge source of conflict in relationships.
An example
of assuming responsibility for another’s feelings is to say, "I’m sorry I
made you mad". An NVC statement might be "When I see that you are mad, I
feel sad because I want a connection with you".
In other
word, each of us always chooses and is responsible for his or her own
feelings. You cannot, strictly
speaking, make another person mad, or sad or even happy, despite what you may
have heard or learned from others.
You can do what you want, and the the other
person will choose the feeling they wish.
Many people have learned this the hard way, that you cannot make others
happy. You can only do what you do
and others must be allowed to choose their responses.
Upon hearing
a statement by another, one has four options: 1) blame the other for the feeling,
2) blame oneself, 3) sense one’s own needs and feelings, or 4) sense the
others’ needs and feelings. The latter two are compassionate communication
responses.
IDENTIFYING NEEDS OR DESIRES
The third
step, after making a pure observation and properly identifying a feeling, is to
identify your need in this situation.
This is also a little tricky.
A need is always about
oneself, not about another. Also, a need here defined is always a basic human quality such as protection, autonomy,
respect, nurturing or play.
In the
example of the child’s room, the parent’s need may be for respect or for
cleanliness (protection from germs). "That you clean up your room" is
not a need. This is a request or demand.
Children are
good at announcing their needs. They cry or scream. However, somewhere along the line, many of us learned it is
not okay to express our needs.
Remembering this aspect of our selfhood and humanity is most important
for connecting.
Dr.
Rosenthal states that many people pass through three stages of recovery as they
get in touch with their needs. In the first stage, one feels like a slave,
unable to express one’s needs and feeling responsible for other’s needs.
For example,
in this stage one may be in the habit of saying "I have to go because my kids (or my friends, or my
parents) expect me to".
In the
second stage, one rebels and may act obnoxious. One may be prone to statements like, "I’m not
responsible for you". “I do
my thing and you do yours”.
The third
stage is one of maturity and liberation.
One takes responsibility for one’s feelings and needs, but not those of
others. This represents healthy boundaries. One chooses to respond out of compassion, but never out of
guilt, fear or shame. One can state needs clearly and be concerned with the
needs of others. "I choose to go here, but not there, because I want
to".
FORMULATING A REQUEST
The fourth
and final step is to formulate a request based on one’s observations, feelings
and needs. A parent might make
this request: "I am feeling frustrated because I have a need to protect
you from illness caused by germs. Would you be willing to clean up your
room?"
Here are
some tips about formulating requests.
1. It is best to phrase requests
positively.
"Would you be willing to clean up your room?" is better than
"Would you be willing to stop making a mess?".
2. Make the request as specific as
possible, as in
"Would you be willing to hang your clothes in the closet and take your
pillow off the floor?"
3. Always speak kindly, but firmly
and clearly, without unnecessary emotion.
For example, it would not be helpful to say “I am so sick of your mess,
will you get going and clean it up for once?”
Requests Versus Demands. A request is very different from a demand, but the two are
often confused. The difference is
that a request is voluntary, without threats.
Demands
force the other person to submit or rebel, which stops communication. A subtle form of demand occurs if the person blames, judges, or
lays a guilt trip if the request is not complied with. For example, “You had better clean up
your room” is a veiled threat and is effectively a demand because it implies
negative consequences if one does not go along..
It is only a request if the one
asking can accept either a yes or no answer. If,
when asked to clean up, the child says "no" and the parent says
"You never do what I tell you!", then it was a demand. It was a
request if the parent can answer, "I see that you prefer to play rather
than clean up right now. I am disappointed because I was hoping you would want
to cooperate. Would you be willing to do it after you play?". The goal is
an honest, empathy-based relationship, not just compliance!
Words that indicate a subtle demand. The words should,
ought, must, or have to are often demands. For example, a parent might say, "The room should be
cleaned up". This is a subtle demand, rather than a request.
A Reflective Request. One excellent type of request is to ask for reflection. This
is especially helpful if one is not sure one was heard and understood. For example, one could say "Would
you tell me what you heard me say?". This is a request for empathy and for
clarification only. It is not to be confused with sarcasm, as in screaming at
the other "Did you hear me?"
My Only Issue Here. A problem with always making a request instead of a demand
may be that, at times, real action is needed. In these cases, a demand may be needed, as I see it. It might sound like “Get out of the
middle of that busy street or you will be grounded for a month”.
Marshall
Rosenberg does not deal much with these types of situations, and it is a
weakness of his system, in my view.
However, I understand that he wants to keep all communication open and
this requires totally voluntary participation. His method often works, but may be slower in an emergency.
Also,
in some cases, like the Palestinians versus the Israelis, it may not work at
all. If one of the parties
seriously does not want communication, but only action, then I do not see how
any type of communication skill will really work. Dr. Rosenberg is counting on our humanity to save us –
that we truly want to be heard and to feel our feelings and so forth. I hope this is true but am not always
sure it is the case with everyone.
EMPATHY
Psychologist
Carl Rogers wrote: "When someone really hears you without passing judgment
on you, without trying to take responsibility for you, and without trying to
mold you, it feels damn good."
Listening to others is ‘saying a lot’.
Empathy is
central in NVC.
The key ingredient for empathy, according to Marshall Rosenberg, is presence. It involves being in the
present moment and in the body. It is a non-judgmental state in which one
observes oneself and notes as well what the other person is observing, feeling,
needing and requesting. This is
not always easy! One needs empathy
to give empathy. This can come from a spiritual source within, or from living
with empathetic others, but is not so easy to just learn on one’s own.
Empathy is
unfamiliar to many people. Empathy is not the same as sympathy, which is
feeling what another person is feeling.
Empathy is something else.
For example, let us review what empathy is NOT.
What Empathy is Not. When someone speaks, instead of simply empathizing, one may:
offer advice, educate, console,
story-tell, sympathize, interrogate, explain, correct, reassure or explain his
position or feeling.
Just jumping
in after someone speaks is likely to be a knee-jerk reaction to make the other
person feel better by offering somehow to "fix" the situation. This
is a common response, but is often not empathy!
EMPATHY PRACTICE
Empathy
demands the following order of actions:
1. First simply be present. This means to say nothing and to listen carefully and fully,
not formulating any response.
2. Then ask the person if it is okay
to respond or offer a suggestion. A good
practice is to paraphrase: "What I hear you saying is..". Express what you hear in terms of what
you sense the other is observing,
feeling, needing and requesting.
3. If you ask for more information,
first express your own needs and feelings. For
example, you might say, "I am feeling confused by your statement. Can you tell me more about what
happened".
4. Reflecting back
emotionally-charged messages is especially powerful. This can diffuse anger and could
save your life. It may seem
time-consuming, but in practice it saves time and energy by avoiding
misunderstanding and expressing patience, kindness, presence and empathetic
behavior.
Just stay
with empathy until there is a release of tension, or until the end of the flow
of the person’s words. Dr.
Rosenberg’s phrase is: Don’t put your ‘but’ in the face of an angry person. Just empathize. This includes empathy for a person
saying "no" and empathy for silence (no answer).
One woman
who attended a workshop with Dr. Rosenberg was alone on duty the next day at a
shelter. A man came in asking for a bed. When she told him they were full, he pulled a knife and in no
time was sitting on her chest with the knife at her throat. She decided this was a good time to
practice her NVC. She kept expressing what she thought he was feeling - afraid,
upset, disappointed, and frustrated. Each time she did so, the man softened a little. Finally, he
calmed down and she was able to drive him to another shelter.
CONCLUSION
There is
much more in Marshall Rosenberg’s book and tapes about expressing anger,
receiving empathy, expressing appreciation, the proper use of force and punishment. One’s intention to really connect is
very important in NVC. Otherwise, the best-chosen words and phrases will be hollow. Vigilance and practice are also most
important, especially until old habits have been undone.
I find
compassionate communication to be an excellent spiritual practice, useful in
every waking moment. Even when I
am alone, old life-alienating phrases like "I should do this"
arise. Remember the four steps: 1)
observe the situation without judging or evaluating, 2) identify a feeling in
oneself, 3) identify one’s need and 4) formulate a request.
Resources
1. Rosenberg, M., Nonviolent Communication, A Language of
Compassion, PuddleDancer Press, Del Mar, CA 1999.
For books, tapes, workbooks, seminars and workshops, call 1-800-255-7696 or
visit www.cnvc.org.
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