by Lawrence Wilson, MD

SPIRITUAL MARRIAGE

So many books today discuss love and relationships. Is there anything new or different? The following emphasizes that marriage can be approached through a change of consciousness. Some of the ideas may seem negative. These are realities that many would prefer not to face. I must give credit for many of the following ideas to Mr. Roy Masters of the Foundation of Human Understanding or www.fhu.com and to John Zitko, author of an unusual book titled New Age Tantra Yoga. Some of the ideas are not popular, but perhaps worth hearing anyway.

THE FIRST MAN-WOMAN RELATIONSHIP

According to the bible, at one time a harmonious relationship existed between man and woman in the Garden of Eden. Adam was given responsibility as overseer or keeper of the Garden with Eve his helpmate. Adam was promised protection and happiness if he followed certain rules that God had set down. Problems began when Eve allowed herself to be tempted by the serpent, who represents a seductive force. Adam, in a moment of weakness, then doubted God and took Eve's advice. Eve was just being used but Adam didn't know this. When he saw what had happened, Adam turned around and blamed Eve. God knew what had really occurred and banished them both from the garden.

God’s admonition was to eat of the tree of life and to avoid the tree of knowledge, "for if you eat of that tree, you shall surely die". The understanding of this statement is that, by seeking for knowledge, one is seeking to BE God, rather than to be in awe of His wonders (not try to understand them). The admonition was to live by faith.

The ego which is not satisfied unless it believes it knows everything and feels in control. Psychologically, the fall from the Garden of Eden was the rise of the ego and separation from God. It was also the beginning of incorrect relationships between men and women. As Adam's progeny, we inherit the type of character flaw that Adam and Eve displayed. We doubt God's word and instead move toward what our egos desire.

Although it is beyond the scope of this paper, male and female can be applied to other aspects of society. For instance, Madison Avenue-style advertising is decidedly 'female' in the manner in which it uses seduction to sell products. Politicians are generally ‘female’ in seducing people to vote for them with promises and smiles.

In unhappy relationships people repeat the Adam and Eve story over and over again. If they are fortunate, they find their way back to the proper way of relating to one another and to God. One must once again draw sustenance from 'the tree of life', rather than from knowledge. People have a tendency to pursue ego desires and pride, which cuts them off from divine love. One continues to suffer until the ego and the intellect are once again submerged to their rightful subordinate place.

MOTIVES FOR RELATIONSHIPS

A general principle that men fall in “love”, while women fall in hate. The meaning of this is that men fall away from God, making a woman into a God. Women resent the men's weakness and lack of awareness. They know that most men know nothing of love. This leads to hatred of men. Most women, however, feel guilty about their angry feelings and deny them by going along with men and calling it 'love'.

Another general principle is that men are looking for mothering, while women are looking for a father they never had (the true love or the Creator). By this is meant that men are mostly weaklings who are trying to get back to the womb, so to speak, while women are searching for a real man, the kind their father was not.

Most relationships begin for the wrong reasons. One is looking for companionship, sex, support, ego stroking or other egotistical benefits. This is one reason for so much disharmony in relationships. The motives can be changed, and often must change if the relationship is to survive. One of the most important changes is to learn to love another even if the other does not live up to one’s expectations. This is a maturing process that couples must go through if their relationship is to survive.

WHAT IS THE SPIRITUAL PURPOSE OF MARRIAGE?

Marriage is the setting or battleground where two people can become aware of their hidden motives and correct them. Through patience with one another, they can learn to relate correctly and move back toward a 'Garden of Eden' condition. They can work to find the creator’s love instead of substituting human loving for it.

Becoming aware of flaws is rarely pleasant, and is particularly upsetting if one resists knowing the truth. But if one desires the truth about oneself, relationships can produce a process of purification which leads to change that leads to happiness.

FOR MEN -

The Problem

Men tend to be addicted to women. They 'love' women like the alcoholic loves alcohol. It is a form of use and abuse. They are woman-centered beings and think this is normal or 'just natural'. Due to this character flaw, men either:

· Give too much power to women, looking to women for approval and ego support. They become wimps, OR

· They resent their spiritual weakness and become angry beasts - using and abusing women in a futile attempt to regain the dignity that they feel women have somehow stolen from them.

In either case, most men use women to relieve their own pain and loneliness. This is not love and women know it. Sometimes men know it too, but feel trapped and unsure what to do. They may react by giving up and withdrawing, or by becoming violent and blaming women for their problem.

Where Did The Problem Come From?

1) THE BIBLICAL VIEW OF ORIGINAL SIN. In the bible story, Adam lost his connection with God. That was the beginning of problems for both man and woman in the garden of Eden, and continues to this day.

2) ANIMAL MAGNETISM (SEX). Animal magnetism is a desire for or attraction to things of the flesh. Separated from their creator, men and women are 'naturally' and unconsciously attracted this way. As any aware man or woman knows, much love is just sexual attraction. There is a natural male instinct to 'plant his seed', but this is not love. Similarly, some women feel they need to have babies, and lure a husband for this reason. This is not love either.

Since most men and women know no other kind of love, they equate sexual attraction with love. There is nothing wrong with physical attraction, but one needs to be understood it for what it is and is not. Animal magnetism may be expressed as a reproduce-and-die instinct. It must be overcome by realizing there is another life, the spiritual life, which transcends the physical. If men and women had experienced true love from their parents, they would know the difference between desire and love. Since this is rare, almost everyone grows up confused and ignorant about love.

3) IMPRINTING. All men tend to have an identity problem that is not experienced or well understood by women. Most men were raised by women and to some degree are 'imprinted' with their mother’s identity. In biology, imprinting is a phenomenon in animals in which the first contacts of life exert a powerful influence for the rest of the life of the animal. In nature, it is no doubt a protective device.

For women, the issues are different as they are imprinted with women which tends to strengthen their sexual identity. Men are imprinted to the opposite sex, which they do not understand. They feel a certain insecurity and are drawn to and unduly influenced by women in ways they cannot explain. Imprinting is real even if men deny it. It is often confused with love. Some men hate and resent the attraction and take it out on women through anger, violence or other means.

4) REGRESSIVE DESIRES BASED ON FEAR. Without true faith, men and women are emotionally weak. There is a strong desire to go back to the womb, back to comfort and coddling, back to 'mommy'. Unlike imprinting, this tendency is based on spiritual weakness, not a biological instinct. It can, however, be very subtle, and is often reinforced by society in many ways, such as equating wealth and power with having someone 'wait' on you.

Men often have a conflict over this. On one hand they want to be independent, but on the other hand they like to be taken care of. If a man was spoiled by his parents, this problem becomes worse. Their independent spirit was lost. This can create a desire to go back to the womb, but also a resentment of the loss.

5) CONFUSION BETWEEN MASCULINE AND FEMININE TYPES OF LOVE. There are different aspects of love. There is a nurturing, protective, ego-building type of love that one associates more with women, particularly mothers (though by no means limited to women).

There is a less familiar kind of love, a type which Jesus had. It is a power or energy with which he did miracles and could transform himself and others. He admonished, "love others as I have loved you" (in the way I have loved you). This was not a 'huggy' kind of love, but a different type that might be called a masculine love, though by no means limited to men. The two types of love might be compared to water and fire, or mother earth and heavenly father.

The first type of love enables one to grow as an ego being. It is helpful for children. The second kind of love sears or burns away the ego self, strengthening one's character in the process, so that what emerges is an 'enlightened' or truly spiritual being. It is more like 'tough love'.

Most men and women are fixated to the feminine kind of love, idealized in woman. This is so because:

· The second (masculine) type of love is so unfamiliar to most that many don't even believe it exists. They think only of the first type of love, which one associates with women.

· Many men and women were deprived of even the nurturing type of love, so they spend their life running after it to find what they believe they missed.

· It requires courage, faith and a healthy self-love to move beyond the nurturing type of love and instead seek the often more painful second type of love. Jesus and others acted as role models to encourage us to 'take the journey', but few are willing.

· Society today is feminine-oriented, with much emphasis on the ego-building type of love. The prevailing value system encourages weakness, dependency and ego-building. Few today stand up for what they believe. Compromise is the order of the day. One is taught to be nice, be politically correct and believe in victims.

6. THE NEED FOR COMPANIONSHIP. Most people have a deep need to have a companion at all times that one lives with, eats with, sleeps with and does all things with. This leads to a desire for a relationship that is not healthy but compulsive. It skews one’s judgment, often attracting one to the first person who comes along whether or not that person is truly compatible with oneself.

Another reason for the need for companionship is to avoid searching within and facing one’s own fears and other emotions. One’s attention is directed toward the companion most of the time, distracting one from one’s own issues and conflicts. Being alone brings up these issues and is uncomfortable for most people.

Another reason for the need for companionship is the feeling of one’s own inadequacy. If one does not feel loved and worthy, one can at least take comfort that one’s companion thinks enough of you to be in the relationship.

Another reason for the need for companionship is the need for touch. This is a deep need for many people. It stems from a lack of touch earlier in life or a need to feel connected in a physical way. It is beneficial for many people, although it can hold one in a harmful relationship when it would be better to move on.

What To Do?

Correction begins with understanding the above as clearly as possible. It usually will take some time for the ideas to sink in. Men must see they are controlled by forces they cannot see. In other words, they must give up the illusion they are in control of their desires, and that those desires are 'just natural'. Men must also see that resentment of the lack of love during childhood is the trauma or shock that separated them from God, or from their center of dignity, early in life.

Most male children are set up to fail at an early age. Often mother secretly resented her husband for not being more of a man. Mothers often unconsciously turn the children against their father, in revenge against the husband. Some men are won over by their mothers and become 'mamas boys', while others develop fear or hatred toward women as a result of this use and abuse of the children. One needs to understand this and forgive parents.

On a spiritual level, men must transform themselves from ego‑centered or woman-centered male animals into God-centered MEN, from 'man born of woman' to 'man reborn of God'. To do this, men must have a love affair with God that far outshines their affection for any woman. Otherwise, men compulsively use women for ego satisfaction or sex. It makes no difference if both partners think it is love.

A man must not need a woman for his happiness. He has to be fulfilled through God's love alone. If he needs her (spiritually) he cannot love her. True love has nothing to do with need or 'getting a feeling' from a woman. If need or 'feelings of love' exist then love becomes a selfish type of love. It is trying to get something from her, which invariably hurts her. A man must become conscious of his motives, and in relating to a woman protect her from his lower self. Correct behavior for a man requires discernment that can only come from becoming aware of his behavior.

Meditation is necessary or at least helpful to increase this awareness and restore a man’s connection with his higher self or God. He must see that his wife needs God's love as it flows through him (God's love is the only real love). If a man is submitting his will to the higher Will, true love or God's love will come through him. Many women are so desperate for love that they will accept some 'mixture' or impure version of love. This does not make it correct for a man to act this way.

FEN -

The Problem

Women are not imprinted to the opposite sex so they have less sexual identity confusion. Greater awareness leads to resenting men’s weakness and immaturity, and men’s inability to love them correctly. It starts with their fathers, which sets them up for problems with boyfriends and husbands. While a few women escape this fate, the problem is pervasive. As a woman matures, she observes how easy it is to manipulate most men. This reinforces her hatred. Since most women are ashamed of their feelings of anger and resentment, they deal with the situation in various ways:

· Some women become seductresses. They take advantage of men's weakness and enjoy manipulating men. The seductress controls by flattery and catering to male sexual weakness. Many men enjoy and even demand their women be seductive. These men enjoy falling to the temptation, which they call 'falling in love'.
Women are naturally seductive for men due to the reasons on the previous page, but many do not understand this. Many women fool themselves into thinking they are just innocent maidens who enjoy dressing up, fixing their hair and doing thousands of other things to lure and manipulate men. These women enjoy the sense of power and superiority they have over men. In fact, this is just a way they avoid looking at their own weakness of having given in to resentment and hatred.

· Some women become too kind and submissive. They are often taken advantage of by angry or violent men. Sometimes these women stay with a violent man because they secretly feel superior to the brute.

· Some women deal with their anger by becoming hardened or even aggressive. This may be a positive step toward solving their spiritual problem on their own. However, unless they deal with the source of their anger, many become domineering or ‘tough’. It is a cover-up that may work for a while, but leads to illness, anxiety and depression. They repress their feminine side, which reduces their happiness and can make them less attractive as a companion.
These women also become threatened by truly strong men, who would challenge their egos. They often gravitate to weak men who won’t challenge them, but whom they resent for their weakness. It is a difficult dilemma. The answer for them is not to abandon their masculine side, but to recover the feminine aspect to complement and balance it. Unfortunately, few women understand their basic problem of greater spiritual awareness that has led them to anger.

· Some women assume a ‘mothering’ role. It satisfies the male ego and is a subtle way to be in control of a man. A woman can feel strangely secure in this role, although most secretly resent it. Some of these women do not like the power the men give them, but their own egos cause them to accept the power anyway. Although men often encourage these roles, women also feel strangely secure in them. While things may begin innocently enough, the woman eventually begins to resent the man's weakness for her, even though she enjoys the control she has over him. This principle explains why some women will even stay with a violent man - she can still be in control even though her power is only that she can provoke him to violence. Often, women blame men for these problems, not realizing their part in creating the situation.

Where The Problem Comes From.

1) THE BIBLICAL EXPLANATION. According to the bible, Eve was more subject to corrupting forces acting through her. She can manipulate her man, although it is not her true desire.

2) IMPRINTING. Some women imprint to a weak or neurotic mother. The woman in this situation cannot understand her weakness and gullibility. She believes there is something wrong with her, not realizing that imprinting is the problem.

In all women, imprinting strengthens the women's sexual identity. This can lead to pridefulness, wilfulness and thoughts that women should be worshiped. This flaw makes it more difficult for many women to submit their wills to a higher authority.

3) ANIMAL MAGNETISM. Women are influenced by the reproduce-and-die instinct, as are men. They may use men in order to produce children or for material gain or other selfish reasons. They may also want children to be able to rob them of their life essence. It is a vampire-like use of men and of children.

4) LOOKING FOR LOVE. Instead of going within to explore the forces acting through them, many women simply accept the power and control they have over men as 'natural'. This is often expressed as 'the need to be needed.' Unfortunately it is a big ego trip, not a loving relationship. Women need to see that the love they desire they must first feel from within. Only then will they be able to discern which men can provide real love and which are just using them.

5) CONFUSION ABOUT WHAT IS LOVE. Many women are confused about the masculine and feminine types of love. Selfish women think that love is hugs and kisses and someone to take care of them. They dislike tough love that strips away their illusions and exposes them to themselves. When the process of exposing illusions begins in a relationship, these women flee or avoid seeing by accusing their partners of not being 'loving' and kind. (See KalilGibran's poem, 'On Love', in The Prophet).

6) EARLY RESENTMENTS AGAINST MEN. Most women's 'training' begins at a young age. Fathers, with few exceptions, are typical men - weak or violently strong. Young girls know they are not being loved properly, but do not understand what is happening. Often a girl's mother is prideful and willful, and secretly or openly resents her husband. The mother's attitudes are often carefully cultivated in the daughter, as a way to 'get back' at the father. This is all done quite unconsciously.

Women have a strong need to be loved in a proper way, and the spoiling and/or cruelties experienced in childhood cause many women to feel intense resentment toward her parents. So powerful is this resentment, that until a woman gets in touch with it, her secret resentment colors all future relationships. This secret hatred causes women to feel guilty, and many try to ‘make up’ for it by being extra kind and nice toward men - going along when they should not.

Identity Exchange. Many times a mother will exchange identities with a daughter. The mother gives the daughter a masculine identity that she had acquired from her mother, and takes the feminine identity of the daughter, which she secretly desires. It is a sick way to regain her innocent child-like self by stealing it from a daughter. Again, this is all done completely unconsciously.

What To Do?

The first step is to understand the above thoroughly. Many women just give up, which is a shame. Meditation can help one become aware of unconscious forces. Conflicts and expectations diminish and relationships miraculously improve. Eventually, women need to stop hating men. Learning patience is required. They must see that resentment only hurts them and absolutely prevents real love from coming through.

Women must beware of seeing themselves as 'simple, innocent maidens'. While this may be true of a very few, it is rare. Often there are other motives one may not be aware of, such as enjoying being worshiped (often called loved). Women need to trust their common sense and not compromise principles for any reason. This means insist on real love, accepting no substitutes or excuses. Do not settle for less. As women begin to explore the magnitude of unconscious forces playing with their minds, they can better forgive parents. They will see that real love was absent because parents were unable to provide it, not because they did not care for her. Fathers and mothers were victims themselves and did their best.

A common trap for women is giving up their principles and what they knows is right for some form of glory or power provided by a man. It is simple to become addicted to this power, so easily is it obtained. Women need to see it will only bring unhappiness in the end. Seeing this at every moment, they can give up the undeserved control and power that most men will hand to them.

To manipulate unaware men to get what one wants is an ever-present temptation. It can also make one resent what one sees that men can not see. A spiritually-oriented woman should feel that something is very wrong if a man is cruel or if he caters to her too much. Either of these is an indication she is not dealing with an aware man.

Another temptation is spiritual pride ‑ using one's greater awareness to control a man in order to make him over in one’s image of how he should be. This is spiritually incorrect, as much as one might rationalize it, and will lead to unhappiness. Men have to find God and truth on their own. Many times woman's love for a man is to be patient with him, provided he continues to make progress in his spiritual growth.

Many women marry expecting to be loved, and are disappointed. Patience can help them see that sex, flattery or control are not love.

FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN

The need to be needed, so often touted in psychology books, attracts both men and women to needy rather than fulfilled partners. By feeling needed, one gains ego satisfaction, but often resents the clinging, weakling nature of the needy partner. The 'need to be needed' stops real love because such a person cannot accept love. He or she only accepts problems and needs, which can be resented and/or 'remedied'. From this one derives a false sense of worth and goodness. It is a subtle ego trip.

Love is not need. A discerning man or woman makes sure a potential partner at least has good chance of becoming emotionally independent. Some need is normal, however, as otherwise no one would want a relationship.

A potential partner who does not fall 'head over heels' in love may become a better partner than one who does. The more relaxed prospect may just be more independent, a benefit in the long run. If someone is madly in love with you one week, he or she is likely to fall madly in love with someone else next week. Beware!

Both men and women need to explore willfulness. It needs to be observed and slowly replaced with God's Will. Otherwise it sours relationships.

Unaware men often appear 'strong' and 'masculine' on the surface. Others are very wealthy and hard-working - a compensation for their emotional or spiritual weakness. Unaware women may be beautiful. Both men and women need to look below the surface so as not to be deceived by appearances. It is wiser for men and women to remain single than be with the wrong partner.

Sometimes one picks a partner whom one secretly knows is not as aware as oneself so that one can feel superior and safe. One knows one will not be loved properly and therefore does not have to experience the transforming and sometimes disturbing power of true love. This force can change one in ways that would threaten or destroy the ego self.

MODERN-DAY ROLE REVERSAL

Today role reversal is very common. Some of this is a healthy sharing of responsibilities and experimentation with economic arrangements to provide more freedom and flexibility. However, it can become exaggerated and often leads to physical and mental illness.

Causes for role reversal include biochemical and nutritional imbalances that affect the sex hormones. This in turn leads to behavioral changes. Mineral imbalances including zinc deficiency and copper and cadmium toxicity can play a role. These are very common today. Pesticides and other environmental chemicals often mimic estrogen and have hormonal effects. Female hormones fed to livestock to fatten them end up in dairy and meats and affect hormonal balance. Occasionally, genetic problems cause hormonal imbalances leading to role reversal.

Identity exchange, mentioned earlier, is another important cause of role reversal. Most commonly, a mother steals her daughter’s feminine identity and replaces it with a male identity she has received that she does not want. A father may implant a feminine identity in a male child, stealing his masculinity to replace his that was lost many years before. This occurs unconsciously, but quite often. To see it requires meditation or other techniques to enhance awareness. It is often a hidden cause of resenting parents.

WHAT IS THE SOLUTION FOR BOTH MEN AND WOMEN?

Awareness is the answer. This is a continuous process, not a one‑time event. It requires surrendering the ego will, repeatedly, which permits awareness to enter. One can then see the truth and act on what one sees and knows to be correct.

Submitting the ego will requires self-discipline and may cause unpredictable changes in one's life. Friendships may be exposed for what they really are and one's entire way of living may need to change. Selfish or weak men and women will recoil from such a process. Like being chiseled by a master sculptor, it will have its painful moments. The most difficult part is realizing over and over how suggestible, programmed and hypnotized one can be.

WHAT IS THE PROCESS FOR SUBMITTING ONE'S WILL?

Submitting the ego will has little to do with doing good deeds, being nice or attending religious services. These can serve to teach one about the process, although some organized religions have perverted things terribly and often cause more confusion. The process is beyond religion and has to do with surrender, which leads to joy.

Surrender is an increase in awareness that brings a feeling of "Oh, now I see what I've unconsciously been doing or been part of". It brings its own resolution or change. There is no hesitation - one just stops doing what one was doing because the truth of the whole matter is revealed.

This must occur with one's entire being and with complete sincerity. Nothing less will do. Actually, one only asks for surrender and it is given when one is ready. It can not be forced or willed because it is beyond the human will.

MEDITATION AND SURRENDER

Surrender often occurs through sheer heartache or physical collapse, learning by one's mistakes. It can be accomplished more quickly through meditation and other techniques.

The observation-meditation exercise is a simple, but precise technology that has been taught for thousands of years.

TYPES OF RELATIONSHIPS

A continuum exists between unconscious and fully conscious relationships.

1) UNCONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP. For the unaware, relationships are a battleground with ego-to-ego fighting, a battle of wills and much concern with who is right, instead of what is right. Through disillusionment and unhappiness, hopefully the partners will be impelled to 'wake up'. This is the most common type of relationship.

This is a relationship between two egos. The ego roles, which may alternate back and forth, include overpowering the other through intimidation of some kind, or flattering and catering to the other in order to gain one's ends. This type of relationship tends to be rocky, with one of three outcomes. Either:

*the real issues are avoided and an uneasy truce is called, or

*issues come up and the partnership survives and overcomes, or

*the relationship ends - usually with both parties unhappy, blaming, or at least confused as to what went wrong.

2) SEMI-CONSCIOUS RELATIONSHIP. For those who are slightly more aware of their own ego needs and desires, one can enter into a relationship consciously, knowing what one is getting into, knowing there is a spiritual aspect to work through. To succeed requires understanding the necessity for submission of the ego will. It is helpful if the relationship has a spiritual purpose that is greater than either of the partners.

Some people going into a second marriage, or who have waited long enough to watch their friends go through misery and divorce and who have searched their own souls a bit, can experience this type of marriage. Some happiness is assured if commitment is present. However, a semi-conscious marriage still leaves much to be desired. Both partners will not enjoy it much of the time as one or the other or both still has much to learn.

3) RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN FRIENDS. Finally, a small percentage of people have worked their way back to a proper relationship with the creator. These people can experience 'a marriage of friends' that is harmonious - the ideal one thinks of. This is a relationship between aware beings, a loving partnership in which each supports the other and their love overflows into the world.

Such a couple becomes a great force for good. They avoid wasting energy in conflicts and disputes. Each brings a unique perspective to the relationship that enhances it. This type of marriage is rare, but an ideal to strive for. The other types of marriage can move toward a marriage of friends with time and effort.

SPECIAL AND HOLY RELATIONSHIPS

This view of relationships is similar to that described in A Course in Miracles. Distinction is made between special relationships and holy relationships. The former are relationships based on fear, guilt or ego needs for security, control, domination or possession. These lead to unhappiness. The latter are based on love that comes from within, not from another. Using the body to "get love" eventually does not work, because love is one’s essence. Seeking it outside oneself always brings frustration.

Love is not a feeling, sexual attraction, security, nor is it possessing another. It is allowing the love of the creator to flow to oneself and then out to others. First one must receive it in order to give it. Giving love without first receiving leads to burnout. Each partner must respect the others’ level of fulness, and not demand love. Love does not compel. Love allows all things, embraces all things, accepts all things, and by so doing overcomes and transcends all things.

WHY MARRIAGE AND NOT CASUAL ARRANGEMENTS?

Many people opt for casual arrangements instead of marriage. Perhaps they had a negative experience with marriage or fear commitment. However, if two people live together, they are married energetically, whether or not they sign papers. Their chakras and subtle bodies blend due to their physical contact, affecting one another.

Spiritually, commitment is most important in order to let go of ego traits. Otherwise there is a strong tendency to split up when deeper issues arise and the going gets tough. While splitting up is alright, if the lessons are not learned one often finds oneself in another relationship with the same type of person, dealing with the same issues over again. It is best to make a deliberate commitment, understanding that any relationship goes deeper than living arrangements or signing papers.

CASUAL SEX

Casual sex starts any relationship on the wrong foot, on a physical basis rather than a spiritual one. Animal forces are aroused, which tend to crowd out common sense so that one may become involved with someone with whom one has little in common beyond physical desire. Both partners lose in casual sex. The woman may become pregnant and both become depleted. Subtle but powerful energy exchanges occur during sex.

By waiting a while, one of two outcomes occur. The other may go away. Such a person is not worth bothering with and would only be trouble in the future. One may also gain the respect of the other, who will understand the principles in this discussion. This bodes well for the relationship.

Marriage is the arena where sexual desire can be worked through. It is fine as long as the spiritual basis of marriage is intact. If not, sex becomes a subtle form of mutual use or abuse ‑ mutual ego‑stroking and indulgence that takes the partners further away from spirituality. One is here on earth to wake up, to transform oneself into a different kind of being not subject to the forces of death and decay that are the fate of most. Sex and romance can, if abused, pull us away from this purpose.

LICENSED MARRIAGES

Licenses give official permission to do something that is otherwise forbidden. Until 150 years ago, there were no licensed marriages in America. Marriage was an agreement between two people that did not involve the government. This is called common law marriage. The marriage agreement was written in the family bible.

The first marriage license was supposedly issued after the Civil War to a racially mixed couple. The common law forbade inter-racial marriage. In order to marry, the couple sought special permission from the government. The idea of licensing marriages slowly grew as statutory law replaced the common law in America. Government licenses offer certain legal protections for partners, but also make the government a third party in the marriage with certain rights.

For example, if someone reports that one might abuse one’s children, the government can come into the home and remove the children. Many common behaviors can be considered abuse, even forcing a child to do homework. One may be presumed guilty until proven innocent, and the incident goes on one’s permanent record, even if no conviction takes place.

It is a little odd to ask a bureaucratic agency, perhaps hundreds of miles away, for permission to conclude a sacred contract between two people. Asking the advice of elders, religious counselors or other close friends makes more sense.

Marriage licenses and birth certificates may allow the government to force vaccination or other questionable medical procedures upon one’s children. Parents have lost custody of their children by insisting on unconventional medical treatment or refusing orthodox treatment. This is something to think about before you run and get a marriage license.

SACRED MARRIAGE

To provide a sacred framework for relationships, ancient Lemurians had two levels of marriage. When a couple wanted to get to know each other better, they declared what was called a bond marriage. It was a temporary, trial marriage involving several simple rules: 1) the relationship is exclusive, 2) they will produce no children, 3) the relationship can end by either party just informing the other of their desire to end it, and 4) if a partner is considering ending it, he or she agrees to talk about it first. This simple agreement created a sacred relationship based on mutual trust and respect. The couple would always give a party and announce the agreement to their family and friends.

In six to 18 months, they would give another party. If they decided to remain together, they would announce the bond marriage is converted to a sacred marriage. This was different in that they could have children, provided they agree beforehand how to raise the children. If the couple decided not to stay together, this would be announced instead.

This system accomplishes several important things. It provides a clear contract for the partners within which to pursue their relationship. It reduces the chances of hurt feelings and misunderstandings. By making their decisions known to their family and friends, it provides community pressure to uphold their agreement.

THE LEMURIAN CIVILIZATION

The Lemurian culture emphasized healthful relationships between men and women. This was considered the basis for a spiritually-oriented society. Here were some salient features of the original tantric science:

· Chakra and energetic balancing can occur in relationships between men and women

· Sexual relations can be used for healing and spiritual development

· Men and women can and should understand these energetic exchanges

· All man-woman relationships are sacred for this reason

· Women in particular can benefit from subtle energy awareness

· Women and men, however, benefit from understanding sexual energy exchanges

· Men and women must treat each other completely equally.

· Energetics needs to be the focus of the relationship

· Energetic incompatibility causes most relationship problems

· Energetic awareness would stop most abusive relationships

· Energetic awareness would stop most unwanted pregnancies

· A relationship with one is practice for learning how to love all people.

· Relationships can speed up development of intuitional and telepathic rapport with another. This not only enhances sensitivity to another. It is also preparation for telepathic rapport with everyone.

· Proper relationship can cultivate subtle energetic flows to enhance physical and emotional well-being.

CHILDREN

Many people have children for incorrect reasons. This is a major cause of problems between parents and children. Common reasons for having children include:

· feeling that one is 'supposed to', and will be the oddball if one does not.

· to 'enrich' one’s life. This often means one’s life is empty of meaning and that having children will somehow improve the situation. It may, but one may tend to make the child’s life empty as well, or live through the child which causes conflicts.

· to carry on the family line or name.

· to hold a marriage together that is in difficulty.

· to have someone to take care of one in one’s old age.

· to see what one can produce (good looks, sports ability, intelligence, etc).

· to have power and control over a helpless little child (to have someone to push around).

· to regain a sense of innocence by stealing it from a child.

Most people have children to extend their ego, like buying a new car or house. This does tremendous violence to the child, who is basically an object of use by the parents. The temptation to 'use' a child for egotistical purposes is almost insurmountable, because the child is so helpless, malleable and dependent. Here are a few common misconceptions parents have:

· It is a mistake to say that children love their parents. Children are DEPENDENT upon parents. They need their parents, so they cling and do as they are told. Need and clinging are not love. It is true that uncorrupted children have a sweet and helping nature, but this is not the same as mature love.

· Parents often confuse their ego need for their children with love. This need which they call 'love', violates and destroys the souls of the children. It is like the 'love' that the wolf feels for the sheep - they are his potential meals. In many sick ways, parents feed off of or live through their children, draining them of their initiative and even their physical health. This results in juvenile delinquency, promiscuity, depression, illness, drugs, teen suicide and other problems of children.

A vicious cycle commonly occurs. Most children are used and psychologically violated in the name of love. They grow up confused believing that this abuse is love. They do unto their children what was done unto them.

Corrupting the souls of children usually occurs by a combination of spoiling and cruelty. Some parents may use one of these methods more than the other. Either tends to destroy the child's sense of values and self-esteem. Mothers tend to spoil children more than fathers because women are physically weaker and emotionally closer to the children. However, there are plenty of exceptions.

Cruelty or spoiling reduce the child’s sense of control over his or her own life. This is the hidden goal of excessive praise or criticism. The child’s reduced control is the parent’s increase in control. The child then becomes more subject to the parent’s neurotic or psychotic value system. Also, parents are able to steal the child’s life force when the child is out of control. The same mechanisms operate in school, at work and in interpersonal and political realms.

Oedipal Complexes. Many fathers are sexually attracted to their daughters. Some flirt or molest their daughters, while others become distant or cold to fight the sexual desire. Mothers may react to their sons in similar ways.

Parents that resent their spouse often take out their frustration on the children who are easier targets. This has a castrating effect on males that can produce homosexuality and other problems. On daughters it produces low self-esteem, depression and often hatred of men or even of women.

In particular, mothers who unconsciously resent their husbands subtlely deprecate male children while building up their daughters. This produces the 'princess' trait in women and wimpy or violent men.

If a parent does not receive love from a spouse, often they will unconsciously accept the dependence of the children as love, and thereby rob them of their selfhood.

Parents are not supposed to mold children in their image. True love allows a child to be free to grow up strong and self-assured. This will only happen when father and mother are fulfilled in their own lives and clear about their own relationship.

If one does not already have children, think hard about one’s motives for wanting children.

If one already has children, realize that the real purpose of having children is to provide a stable and happy home for a developing soul until that soul can live on its own.

Having children is also a powerful way to learn about oneself. Unfortunately, many parents would rather 'put out the light' in the children than listen and learn from them. Parents need lots of patience with children. This is the beginning of love. As with man-woman relationships, parents' love for children must include protecting children from the parents' own selfishness, so that only love comes through.

CONCLUSION

Some people will find the above rather negative. However, to find the truth, it is often best to see the false as false. By seeing what is not love, we move closer to understanding what is love. Then relationships can become a great source of joy, power and goodness in the world.

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